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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what you would think...

94 replies

UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:00

Name changed as outing.

Please can I ask what your first impressions would be of a 40 year old man who married a girl on her 16th birthday? She gave birth to his son at the same age.

According to him they “started dating” when she was 14. He swears nothing sexual happened until their wedding night. He openly tells people about this as if he’s proud.

I feel very uneasy. I’m being told by mutual acquaintances that I’m being ridiculous and that as it’s legal it’s perfectly ok.

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 08/02/2019 15:01

It's vile.

Luaa · 08/02/2019 15:01

I would feel that he was not someone I wanted to be around island I'd be quite worried about the girl.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2019 15:01

This makes my skin crawl.

Mmmhmmm · 08/02/2019 15:02

It's disgusting. He's disgusting.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:02

Ok. Thank goodness it’s not just me.

OP posts:
Youmadorwhat · 08/02/2019 15:03

In cases like this it is more than likely grooming!!

Lwmommy · 08/02/2019 15:03

I honesty would think hes a dirty pervert and i would worry about the 16 year old.

Surely her parents dont think this is right?

Is this England as i though marriage was 18 years old or 16 with parental permission?

gamerwidow · 08/02/2019 15:04

If think he is a paedophile. A romantic relationship with a 14 yo and a 38yo even without sex is very very wrong.
I’d be wondering who was looking out for his wife in all this.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:05

They married in Scotland but don’t live there, both White British. Her parents hate him.

OP posts:
iklboo · 08/02/2019 15:05

If they're in the U.K. she would have had to have parental consent to get married at 16.

gamerwidow · 08/02/2019 15:06

I’m not surprised they hate him he has groomed and abused their daughter!

Pumpkintopf · 08/02/2019 15:07

Jeez. ' started dating' at 14?! With a 38yo man? This sounds like a child safeguarding issue to me...

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/02/2019 15:10

That he's a skeezy pervert.

I would try to make sure I was around for the woman, and support her if she seemed to want support.

UghFletcher · 08/02/2019 15:10

Ever watched abducted in plain sight?

It's creepy as hell and this guy reminds me of him minus the aliens.

I would not want to be around this man and would be very worried about the 16 y.o

Omzlas · 08/02/2019 15:12

I was just a bit sick in my mouth Envy < NOT envy

Surely she would have gotten parental permission to marry at that age then? How did that work if her parents hate him?

What kind of 38 yr old man looks at a 14 yr old girl and thinks about dating her?? Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it to be honest

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 08/02/2019 15:13

A similar situation happened in my extended family, a niece declared on her 16th birthday that she was moving in with her 40+year old 'boyfriend', thankfully she didn't have a baby with him as he had had a vasectomy when married to his first wife. He was the father of one of her friends. The mother of the niece tried to put a stop to it but was unsuccessful.

It is all shades of wrong.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:16

I know I’m drip feeding, I just wanted to know on that fact alone whether it’s reason for concern. I have other concerns.

His wife is now not in his life. Her parents got her away and he doesn’t have a clue where she is or their kids, she’s in her 20s now.

I also feel that the way I’d describe him would be “paedophile”. I’ve met him through volunteering at a food bank. He is an ex-service user who now volunteers. He came on to me despite me being decades younger, using very sexually inappropriate language. I reported it but they didn’t get rid of him. We have teenage girls, often single mums of babies and toddlers using the food bank.

Everyone else is charmed by him. He sends my blood cold, I honestly can’t stand him.

I think he’s definitely a groomer.

You don’t need a DBS to volunteer. My concerns have been minimised by the elderly women in charge. I’ve been told I’m over-reacting and that he’s a lovely man.

OP posts:
IamFrauBlucher · 08/02/2019 15:20

If he's using sexually inappropriate language to people, regardless of their age, then he's not a nice man. Can't believe they are dismissing that. Not all volunteers are saints and not all do it with honest intentions.

Heronymous · 08/02/2019 15:22

Absolutely gross. How can that possibly be a relationship of equals? And how is not just an obvious case of grooming? Genuinely repulsive.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:23

I was told I should be flattered and that it’s just a bit of fun by the main lady (in her 60s).

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 08/02/2019 15:26

You need to bring this up with someone higher than your manager, The Trussull Trust if the food bank is through them or if it’s through the church, someone higher up the line there.

He definitely sounds like he looks to groom the vulnerable and will exploit his position to do so.

Halloumimuffin · 08/02/2019 15:29

Honestly, if he ever brought it up I'd call him a bloody paedophile to his face.

PenCreed · 08/02/2019 15:30

Who runs the food bank? Can you go to the trustees even if the woman in charge disagrees? Our local food bank is connected to a church, I’d be talking to the vicar if it was there.

Also in Scotland you can marry at 16 without parental consent - hence people running away to Gretna. He’s creepy as anything, but sadly that’s legal (although I doubt the law was written with groomers in mind), which is why her parents couldn’t have stopped it.

PrismGuile · 08/02/2019 15:30

He's a peadophile and she has been abused. It is disgusting. I am non-violent but wouldn't call 999 if I saw people beating the shot out of him. Gross

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:32

It’s not Trussell Trust it’s just a local community group run foodbank but they do get to use a Church Hall for free.

It’s not very organised at all in terms of Safeguarding. This guy is joining anything locally that doesn’t involve a DBS and I’m worried he’s doing it to try and find another victim.

If my concerns aren’t being listened to by the group themselves, do you think I should contact the Vicar who loans out the hall for free?

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
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