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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what you would think...

94 replies

UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:00

Name changed as outing.

Please can I ask what your first impressions would be of a 40 year old man who married a girl on her 16th birthday? She gave birth to his son at the same age.

According to him they “started dating” when she was 14. He swears nothing sexual happened until their wedding night. He openly tells people about this as if he’s proud.

I feel very uneasy. I’m being told by mutual acquaintances that I’m being ridiculous and that as it’s legal it’s perfectly ok.

OP posts:
PrismGuile · 08/02/2019 15:35

Contact the vicar, call child line. Write to your local MP demanding DBS checks be mandatory for food bank volunteers...

PrismGuile · 08/02/2019 15:35

Raise hell upon him.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:40

I called NSPCC anonymously last year as soon as I found out about his wife and they agreed it sounded worrying and said they’d notify the police. But he’s still there.

It’s a small town and he’s only settled here over the past 18 months. I wish he’d just leave. I see him everywhere and it’s making me sick how all the women at the food bank are fawning over him like he’s wonderful.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 08/02/2019 15:41

I would definitely go to the vicar, and emphasise that this isn't just gossip about stuff that happened years ago. Focus on the facts: he has behaved inappropriately towards you, he is joining anything that doesn't require a background check, and your concerns have been dismissed by the woman running the food bank.

AngelaStorm73 · 08/02/2019 15:42

🤢🤮

Sorry just had to get the Blergh out
But yuck
Not right at all

Smallhorse · 08/02/2019 15:42

What ? Where is this happening ?

SaturdayNext · 08/02/2019 15:45

Do the other volunteers know about this? I know technically there was nothing illegal, but I must say the history of his marriage has horrible echoes of crossing off the days till his girlfriend was no longer 15.

MamaLovesMango · 08/02/2019 15:46

Yes, contact the vicar, even if you just use them as a person in a position of trust as a sounding board.

To be honest im a bit aghast that DBS checks and basic safeguarding training aren’t needed for this kind of position considering most of the people coming through the doors will be vulnerable in some way.

Destiel · 08/02/2019 15:47

If its trussell trust contact them immediately.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:47

the history of his marriage has horrible echoes of crossing off the days till his girlfriend was no longer 15

That’s exactly how I feel. Like he was just waiting until he couldn’t be prosecuted.

Ok. I don’t know the vicar but I’ll ask if I can meet with her.

Small town in Lancashire SmallHorse.

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 08/02/2019 15:48

Dare I say it dons hard hat I’d be tempted to phone 101 and give them the information and that your concerned he’s on a grooming mission and that the NSPCC were also concerned. Even if they just use it for intelligence.

MamaLovesMango · 08/02/2019 15:48

*you’re of course. Cringe!

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:49

It’s not Trussell Trust. Just community run. A lot of the time, they get people who need the service themselves to volunteer in exchange for extra food/privileges, no questions asked.

I agree it’s not a great set up.

OP posts:
Destiel · 08/02/2019 15:50

Ok.
So you need to ask the person who runs it who their safeguarding officer is.

foggyuplands · 08/02/2019 15:51

He sounds as though he could be a dangerous man.
Your issue is that nothing you have described is likely to show up on a police disclosure especially as it happened some time ago. If parents now reported him when dd was 14 it would be different.
There may of course be other things you are unaware of that would show up.
I would go to more senior leaders with your complaints about his behavior to you. This is current and something you can attest to. I would raise it with the church although if they just donate the space their influence may be limited to withdrawing the space.
I would also put in writing your concerns about the lack of safeguarding concerns and procedures to the group and the church.

userschmoozer · 08/02/2019 15:51

Go to the local police, invoke safeguarding and ask them to use Sarah's Law.

Bringbackthestripes · 08/02/2019 15:53

Her parents got her away and he doesn’t have a clue where she is or their kids

So she had more than one with him? And he has just volunteered all this information? Like it was a perfectly normal situation he shouldn’t be judged for!
MamaLovesMango has a good suggestion about 101. Even if it just puts him on their radar as someone to watch.

Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:53

Thanks everyone.

Just to be clear there is no Safeguarding Officer within the group. I’ve looked on the church website and they have a Safeguarding Officer though, hopefully they can help even though they only loan out the space.

I’ve already raised it with the people in charge of the group. They are the ones that minimised it and said he’s a wonderful man. They also gave him more responsibility following my complaint meaning I had to work alongside him more frequently.

I’d leave but I feel like I’m the only one keeping an eye!

OP posts:
Original poster
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:58

He’s volunteered all the information from the point of being a victim. The girl was not allowed to use birth control (he doesn’t believe in it!) and had many children with him. NSPCC were very concerned when I mentioned that.

His attitude was that he adored her but his parents didn’t “understand their love” and “poisoned her” and that she stole his kids but “he’d find it in his heart to forgive her if she’d come back”.

I honestly fucking hate him. I do feel like I’ve got very strong feelings towards him and I just want to take him down but everyone I’ve told so far doesn’t seem to have taken it seriously and instead acted like I’m in the wrong.

No answer on the church phone so I’ve sent an email and asked for an appointment urgently.

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 08/02/2019 15:58

Did her parents or anyone report him when he was dating a 14 year old? Or when she was under 18?

Report to the police. It will be a 3rd party report so there may be not much they can do unless they can find the girl and get a report form her directly. But it will be recorded, and the more people report the bigger his case file will get until there is enough to do something.

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/02/2019 16:01

If they're in the U.K. she would have had to have parental consent to get married at 16.

I do so wish posters would stop this. This is not "UK law", it's the law in England and Wales. Scottish law is different and, for now anyway, remains part of the UK.

AngelaStorm73 · 08/02/2019 16:02

How long ago did this happen? Not that it makes a difference I'm just trying to understand

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/02/2019 16:04

It makes me feel a bit sick actually. She can't possibly be an equal in this partnership, can she? No, not good.

DairyFogMother · 08/02/2019 16:05

I'm in my 60's an no way on earth is having sexually inappropriate comments made flattering; it is unwarranted and the man needs to not be allowed on premises where he potentially has access to vulnerable young women.

Foxandthehound · 08/02/2019 16:06

YANBU. What a vile man