AIBU to ask what you would think...

[UneasyVolunteer]

Name changed as outing.

Please can I ask what your first impressions would be of a 40 year old man who married a girl on her 16th birthday? She gave birth to his son at the same age.

According to him they “started dating” when she was 14. He swears nothing sexual happened until their wedding night. He openly tells people about this as if he’s proud.

I feel very uneasy. I’m being told by mutual acquaintances that I’m being ridiculous and that as it’s legal it’s perfectly ok.

The NSPCC said they were putting it in the hands of police and that they’d no doubt go and see him. This was 6 months and he’s only getting more active in the community.

If it was legal to marry her, is there anything they can do? I’m not sure there’s any point in reporting it to police again.

The first person I spoke to at NSPCC got quite angry at me because I told him about the sexual stuff this man had said to me and the way I’d seen him behave towards 18 and 19 year olds. He kept repeating “do you have a direct concern about a CHILD?” and I tried to explain that sometimes people bring their kids with them for food parcels but he was about to hang up on me. I demanded to speak to someone else and got his manager who took it very seriously and said she’d be putting it in the hands of police.

Jesus he sounds disgusting. I've no idea what you can do or who can help, sadly. But as someone who was groomed at the same age as the poor girl he married, I'd like to thank you for trying to help future victims.
Absolute bastard. Makes me feel sick. And the dopey women who think he's lovely need a stern talking to from someone in authority about how his behaviour is completely reprehensible. Shockingly remiss of them to not protect service users.

@AngelaStorm about 12 years ago.

Even if the NSPCC said they’d hand it over to the police, it’s a good idea to speak to them yourself. Especially now.

if i was working in your shoes i'd have been put in the hands of the police by now, make of that what you will, but then i don't have any conscious towards total scum..

Is the food bank a registered charity? If so, it will have a board of trustees with overall accountability. I would try to raise your concern with the Chair, and the Charity Commission.

@paintinmyhairAgain

I trusted it was put in the hands of the police. I was on the phone to the NSPCC for an hour and half giving the contact details of the people in charge of everywhere I know that he frequents, I gave his name and date of birth and the dates of things he’d said and things I’d witnessed, his known addresses, people he lives with, everything I know.

I think he knows exactly how to stay just on the right side of the law, bastard.

Blurgh OP, that has made me want to puke. The thing another PP said about crossing off the days to her 16th birthday reminds me of a dirty old pervert who was grooming me at that age. He pretty much told me as much to my face. Luckily for me he didn’t force it and I said no, then my dad threatened to have him kneecapped if he didn’t leave me alone.

I’d defo ring 101. They’ll probably do nothing but at least you’ll know you tried.

Unfortunately the police aren’t interested in anything any more, much less preventative policing. We’ll be back to the old type of justice before long, the sort my dad threatened that paedo who was grooming me with. I wouldn’t cry any tears over the likes of him getting a bit of it, not that I’m recommending it though, btw.

When you raised the sexually inappropriate language towards you did you put your complaint in writing?
I would do this with copies sent to the church and trustees.
I would be factual and clear about the language used and highlight the vulnerability of your service users.
I would formally ask to see their safeguarding procedures and relevant health and safety working arrangements. I would also request a copy of their volunteer safeguarding training and contracts alongside the agreements on volunteer behaviors.
Ask for a reply in writing.
If they don't have this stuff I would contact the safeguarding board of the local authority next.

There is nothing that boils my blood more than when women are told they “should be flattered” by unwanted attention FFS

was told I should be flattered and that it’s just a bit of fun by the main lady (in her 60s)

For the love of gawd!

You need to call the police and make them aware of him and his behavior. He should not be anywhere near vulnerable people.

at hte risk of being ageist the older women at your food bank must be desperate, have some very weird ideas or have been on the receiving end of crap behaviour and'don't complain dear because that's what men are like' shite.

@foggyuplands I didn’t put it in writing because the group has no address or anything, I did it all verbally.

It’s not structured at all. I’ve emailed the Vicar and will see what she can do but it’s not her group. She just offers a room once a week. There’s other activities like AA and exercise classes that are run out of the hall and that aren’t related to the church. There’s no real training and no policies and procedures for this group. I’ve googled the name and it’s not a registered charity and I also found an article where a woman had actually been sexually molested whilst volunteering in a nearby town at a similar set up so it looks like this kind of organisation is sadly not all that uncommon.

Going to call non-emergency police number and see what they say in the meantime. I looked into Sarah’s Law but I’m not sure that I’m important enough to ask for it. I’m just someone who collects from donation points and helps hand out parcels a couple of times a month.

I have to agree with foggyuplands - you need to put this in writing. In writing to the church - this food bank is on their premises and a volunteer on their premises is acting very, very inappropriately (to put it mildly).

Keep a paper trail of who you have contacted, when, what was said, and insist on a written response.

Ok, will do ratherberiding

Well done for taking this further OP, it’s when people turn a blind eye that things go wrong.

Okay. Write to the church, the group and the Lado. There are no children currently being actively harmed but there is current inappropriate sexual behavior and a history of grooming. ( the LADO is the designated local authority officer whose job it is to provide advice and guidance to employers and voluntary organisations in safeguarding issues)

Yes this is disgusting, unless his surname is Radford then it can be completely overlooked.

It’s so outing but what he said was “Cracking body you’ve got there.” I ignored him. He carried on, “If you’re going to turn up looking like that every week, I’ll be nipping straight next door (to the church) to ask for God to forgive me for all the things you’re putting in my head.”

That was the first week I ever met him.

The next week, as I was bending down to pick up food, he turned to a male volunteer and said “She’s sexy this one isn’t she? Always puts naughty ideas in my head. Int she sexy?” and laughed.

I spoke out and he never directly spoke to me again, just smirks at me and says things out of my earshot while looking at me, making it obvious.

The male volunteer also called him out on it and assured me he’d never leave me alone with him. When he raised concerns, he was told that it’s not up to him to decide who’s a volunteer and who isn’t.

When I told the man at the NSPCC as back story, he got angry with me too and said I wasn’t a child and couldn’t understand why I was telling him this.

Would LADO be the Council?

Also thanks everyone for not shifting all the blame back on to me. I’ve not been taken seriously for so long and had genuinely started to think I was in the wrong for thinking he was a paedophile.

This man has done nothing illegal, immoral yes but he hasn't broken any laws. There is nothing that the police can do and a DBS check would probably come back clear.

In fact UneasyVolunteer is at risk of being accused of harassment and making unfounded allegations. OP's best course of action would be to resign and distance themselves from the organisation. I wouldn't want to associated with this man in any way.

Sexual harassment is a bit worse than immoral. Its not just a bit of banter. And the group should have safeguarding in place, so maybe its time they sort that out as well.

The way he spoke to you was entirely inappropriate. I'm surprised and disappointed that the person running the food bank didn't take your concerns more seriously particularly as, as you have already pointed out, a lot of your service users are vulnerable.

Leaving aside what he told you about his wife etc, his behaviour and language towards you would be enough in my view for the organisation to remove him as a volunteer.