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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask what you would think...

94 replies

UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 15:00

Name changed as outing.

Please can I ask what your first impressions would be of a 40 year old man who married a girl on her 16th birthday? She gave birth to his son at the same age.

According to him they “started dating” when she was 14. He swears nothing sexual happened until their wedding night. He openly tells people about this as if he’s proud.

I feel very uneasy. I’m being told by mutual acquaintances that I’m being ridiculous and that as it’s legal it’s perfectly ok.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 08/02/2019 17:12

This is all kinds of awful.

I wonder what would happen if - the next time anyone's talking about his 'marriage' - you were to say something like "you mean when he groomed a 14yo and forced her to get repeatedly pregnant as soon as he couldn't be arrested for it"

Sometimes people do just need it spelled out. And maybe he'd take enough offense he'd leave for good?

Windgate · 08/02/2019 17:13

userschmoozer you are quite right, I'd not accounted for the sexual harassment. I still wouldn't want to be associated with an organisation that dismissed the OP's complaint.

7salmonswimming · 08/02/2019 17:21

Stand firm OP and watch him like a hawk. Make it obvious enough to make him uncomfortable. He’ll clock onto you and make life even more difficult for you. But keep people like the other male volunteer on your side. You need to do the right thing, and it sounds like you are. You’re answerable to your own conscience, ultimately, and your instinct is scresming at you. Don’t give up.

Society needs people like you.

UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 17:22

@Windgate that’s what’s prevented me so far. DP’s DM said that he’s likely known to authorities but has done nothing he can be charged with and to be careful I don’t end up charged with libel.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 08/02/2019 17:26

Get it down in writing
Ps our society needs people like you ❤️

Dieu · 08/02/2019 17:29

Filthy perverted paedophile bastard.

SubparOwl · 08/02/2019 18:23

He sounds utterly vile.

Lichtie · 08/02/2019 18:47

Not to derail but is it possible to get married on your 16th birthday in Scotland. You use to have to make applications and submit notices which couldn't be done till you were 16 and then took time to get posted and come through.

foggyuplands · 08/02/2019 18:54

The story you have told is concerning but based on the law at the time not illegal, the police wouldn't be able to action anything.

The sexually inappropriate conversations with another volunteer can and should be actioned.

The grooming behavior should also be noted as he is working with vulnerable clients.

The church/LA/ police may well be unable to prevent him from volunteering on the basis of his past behavior but his current behaviors should prevent him from doing so.

The organization should have volunteer training, safeguarding and codes of conduct. Highlighting the present issues and mentioning the past concerns should highlight to the church out of whose building the food bank operates and the local authority who has an overall safeguarding remit that this organization has neither.

Yes OP, the local LADO for your area will be an local authority employee. Usually a google will bring up the contact details of the one in your area. They may not get too involved as the current behavior is directed at an adult, ie you. But highlight your young vulnerable women users and explain the self identified grooming behavior in the past. Lado's are well connected and should be able to help with next steps.

brizzledrizzle · 08/02/2019 19:04

What others have said - go above the woman and report to the people who run the food bank. He's not going to be up to any good. Does he do any other voluntary work?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/02/2019 19:08

Fucking hell OP. YANBU, I’m disgusted by him just from your retelling. The gross comments to you are bad enough but your leading story about his wife is just horrendous.

Magenta82 · 08/02/2019 19:35

The guy sounds utterly vile and disgusting, I really hope you have some luck getting something done OP.

It sounds like a really small organisation and in groups like that a few people end up with a lot of influence and often don't have policies in place to cover this kind of thing. The people telling you to escalate it to the people in charge probably don't realise that you already have.

Fingers crossed you get somewhere with the Vicar, the ladies who think you should be flattered by creepy harassment might have respect for that kind of authority.

Ellapaella · 08/02/2019 20:04

Creepy AF.
Not okay at all in my book. A 38 year old 'dating' a 14 year old is not on at all whether they had sex or not.

UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 20:23

Thanks all. Vicar has emailed back to say thanks for the email and said this man is a regular attender of the Sunday family service at the church and could I come in for a chat with her and the Safeguarding Officer asap and said to write down my concerns and where I got the information.

I’ve also got to have a chat with the local bobby. Either they’re coming to me or they’ll give me an appointment to attend at the police station. The lady on the phone said that it might be that he’s done nothing illegal and if that’s the case they won’t be able to stop him. She looked into if Sarah’s Law applies and said I can’t apply via Sarah’s Law but the woman that runs the foodbank or the Vicar could if he’s coming into contact with children. She was very nice and said that she wouldn’t like to come into contact with this man either.

Whatisthisfuckery I’m so sorry I missed your posts, you sound like you’ve had a horrible experience Flowers no kid should experience that. I was groomed as an adult at uni and that was bad enough without having to cope at a younger age. Your Dad sounds amazing though!

The woman is the head of the organisation brizzle. And yes, I see him at fucking everything. Since moving here he’s got himself on the board at the local Art Gallery, he’s on a Social Club committee, Hospital Community Fundraiser, in a choir, goes to partner dance nights/lessons, choir, am-dram (he was in a pantomime with kids recently which I reported), he’s at karaoke, poetry groups, all sorts. Like I said, anything that doesn’t involve a DBS. His slimy face is always popping up on my FB feed.

magenta yes, you’ve got it exactly right. The organisation is small and the two main women in charge are very dominant and think it’s a lot of nonsense.

OP posts:
UneasyVolunteer · 08/02/2019 20:50

Sorry brizzle not swearing at you, bad language was due to me venting my frustration that there is seemingly no escape from this vile man Angry.

OP posts:
KitschBitch · 08/02/2019 20:59

Well done, op, society really does need more like you. I was far too young to realise what grooming and abuse was. Hit me like a truck when I grew up and reality kicked in.

brizzledrizzle · 08/02/2019 20:59

Sorry brizzle not swearing at you, bad language was due to me venting my frustration that there is seemingly no escape from this vile man angry.

Swear away, I would.You could contact Crime Stoppers (anonymously if need be) at crimestoppers-uk.org/give-information

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2019 21:00

Vicar ... said this man is a regular attender of the Sunday family service (My italics)

I'll bet he is - ditto the many other groups which don't require a DBS Hmm

It's years since I ran a community centre, but even then I'd have done everything I could to get him out, and they must be mad to have ignored both your complaints and those of your male colleague

I can't improve on foggyuplands's excellent advice and it's good that the vicar and police are now taking an interest, but I'll say this ... if the worst happens they'll all be looking to cover themselves by finding someone else to blame

Therefore, if you're not prepared to just walk away, make sure your concerns are fully documented and that all your observations (not accusations of course) are down in writing, together with who you've told and when

If they have any sense at all, you might even find that the proof of this having been brought to their attention is enough to secure his removal

Magenta82 · 12/02/2019 13:16

How are things going @UneasyVolunteer ?

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