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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think AIBU...about OH drinking I'm while pregnant

91 replies

ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 10:54

I do think I'm being unreasonable here, so posting for traffic to see if any others felt the same way and how you made yourselves feel better about it.

Pre-pregnancy I would love to go out for drinks, cocktails etc with my DH. I obviously can't do that now.
He mentioned yesterday that work colleagues are organising him birthday drinks, and for some reason I have ended up a bit upset by it.
I think I am feeling isolated because I can't do this right now. I've told him it made me sad. He went out with them at Christmas and got in the worst state I've ever seen him in, but it was Christmas, so nevermind. He has been for a social drink since. I know they are organising these drinks for him, but I feel a bit shit that I haven't been given a thought with an invite and also, that I have to stay at home on my own while he goes out and does the things he knows I enjoy but of course have given up.

I should add that he doesn't go out a lot so I feel horrible about how I'm feeling. The pregnant wife at home who can't join in the fun.
Most of my friends have young families so I can't invite them round really, and my best friend lives away.

So how did you go about stopping yourself feeling mopey and isolated when you were in this position? I love my DH to bits and don't want to be a ball and chain that stops him enjoying himself, but I also don't want to feel resentful about it. We have chatted so he knows I feel left out.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 08/02/2019 10:56

Do they not have naice soft drinks or mocktails in establishments round your way?

Lwg87 · 08/02/2019 10:56

Just enjoy not having the hangover 😁

Thesearmsofmine · 08/02/2019 10:57

You can still go out if you want too? Just don’t drink? I went out a few times when pregnant with dc1.

Original poster
ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 10:59

Do they not have naice soft drinks or mocktails in establishments round your way?

They do, but as I wasn't going to be invited to this, I will feel a bit like an idiot turning up to it. Especially if they wanted to make more of a night out of it than social drinks.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 08/02/2019 10:59

Yabu to expect him not drink for his birthday, you can go out socially but not drink.

mrbob · 08/02/2019 10:59

How pregnant are you? Can't you go out too and not drink? I often go out and drive and still have a nice time. Otherwise I think you just have to agree how often is reasonable- I don't think you can expect him to stay home for 9 months because you want to.

Parthenope · 08/02/2019 10:59

Why would his work colleagues invite you, unless I'm misreading and you're all friends and know one another well? I think only one of my colleagues has ever met my husband.

And why wouldn't you go out for a drink in general, and just not drink alcohol -- no one is forcing you to stay at home...? Can you really not go out for an evening and have a soft drink or a mocktail?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/02/2019 11:01

They probably didn’t invite you because you’re pregnant not because they didn’t want you to be there, although saying that I wouldn’t fancy sitting by and watching people getting pissed while I was on coke. Why not invite a friend round for a film and a takeaway?

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 11:03

I think you're having one of those 'oh shit my life has changed forever' moments, coupled with the realisation that his hasn't, as of yet.

I remember this feeling exactly: DH and I were driving home, it was a beautiful summer afternoon, and DH said 'I think I'll go for a pint when we get home, and sit on the terrace for a while'.

I was gutted. I couldn't have a pint, and nor did I want to. But I felt alone, like my old life has gone while he still had his.

IME it's a natural feeling. And he'll get there soon enough when the baby comes. Just let him go and do his thing just now. Enjoy a night alone with Netflix and a takeaway. You would probably not have been invited anyway as it's a work thing, I think your pregnancy is just driving home the reality of the situation, and that's natural.

Chinks123 · 08/02/2019 11:04

I haven’t had this exact problem as my dp doesn’t drink, and never goes on nights out. I have however been on hen dos and girly nights (pre booked) whilst pregnant, and had some lovely mock tails! There have also been events I wasn’t invited to, as I think people presume you won’t want to go when pregnant, as you can’t drink so wouldn’t enjoy it.

I know how you feel but try not to let it spoil his birthday. It’s not for long and it’s so worth missing a few drunken nights for!

gamerchick · 08/02/2019 11:05

You can still have a good time not drinking. I'd be more out out with the lack of invite than not being able to drink.

Stickerrocks · 08/02/2019 11:05

I don't understand why you seem to be linking your pregnancy with your DH going out with work colleagues for a drink.

If you would previously have been invited and now you are not being invited, that would be a bit mean and your DH should be asking you to come along as well. We always have a mix of people who drink and don't drink at work events, so you are hardly unusual.

If you just don't get invited to work events, because they are for colleagues only, then YABU. They are usually as dull as dishwater and I don't see why any outsiders would want to go. Nothing to do with your pregnancy.

Original poster
ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 11:05

IME it's a natural feeling. And he'll get there soon enough when the baby comes. Just let him go and do his thing just now. Enjoy a night alone with Netflix and a takeaway. You would probably not have been invited anyway as it's a work thing, I think your pregnancy is just driving home the reality of the situation, and that's natural.

Thank you. I think this is probably the case and I'm just feeling a bit strange that I'm experiencing this now whilst he isn't.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 08/02/2019 11:06

Can't you and DH go out for a meal for his birthday, and leave the drinks thing for him with his colleagues? I don't get invited to my DH's works-related gatherings. I know several of his colleagues very well, but it's a work thing, and it's never bothered me. I went out a few times in my last 2 months of pregnancy: a couple of times with work colleagues (and we didn't invite DH!) and one with mutual friends. I stuck to soft drinks and was all smug when DH had a sore head the next day.

EastEndQueen · 08/02/2019 11:06

Totally understandable to be upset, I felt the same in my last and current pregnancy as i’m a total extrovert and hate missing out! Mine and DH’s friendship group are quite boozy and most don’t have DC yet so I did feel left out.

My recommendations to cheer it up are to
choose a place with nice mocktails or add another element to the evening which isn’t focused around alcohol (like going to the cinema/ theatre/ a gallery or going it for
dinner before meeting friends for the drinking part of the evening). That made me feel like only part of the evening involved me ‘missing out’ rather then the whole thing. I found eating out in Thai/ Indian/ dim sum type places made me miss the alcohol a lot less then Italian type places were I was sad about the wine! I made DH take me to lots of American Diner type places too as I they had lovely things like Oreo milkshakes to drink.

If you aren’t too heavy for it yet, I found going out somewhere where there was dancing made the evening a lot less boring then just watching people drink!

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/02/2019 11:06

Would you normally have gone out with his workmates then?

Just enjoy a quiet evening by yourself with some nice food and a film of your choice on tv and then laugh VERY LOUDLY at his hangover the next day.

In short: YABU

EastEndQueen · 08/02/2019 11:09

Incidentally (and not to derail the thread) IMO a small 125ml glass of wine made into a large spritzer and sipped very slowly over an hour does no harm at all occasionally. But that’s personal choice of course

BeanTownNancy · 08/02/2019 11:10

Ah, it's hard. I've been pregnant over our anniversary, Christmas, my birthday and will be for valentines day and his birthday too, so I get it - I forever feel like I'm getting left out, especially as we have a toddler too so someone has to do the babysitting so it always seems to be me.

The best thing I've found to do is to try and arrange something nice for myself. Whether that's treating myself to a nice dinner and a film I've been looking forward to or arranging a day out (Spa day maybe?) so I've got something to look forward to.

In all honesty, most nights I am actually happier lounging around in my pajamas on the sofa with a Chinese and a crappy film than I would have been out in a bar being the only sober person. But it still sucks always having to be the one making the sacrifices - the man's life doesn't seem to change at all when their partner is pregnant, we're the ones changing our diet, drinking habits, dashing to the toilet (for one reason or another) 50 times a day.

I think resentment is completely normal. Yanbu to feel however you feel (but ywbu to make your partner feel bad for it). Flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/02/2019 11:11

Hi OP
I actually felt very similar to you when pregnant. My husband has a couple of beers a few days a week and I HATED seeing it and it would drive me mad when he'd day something like 'bad day at work, really looking forward to a drink' or 'oooh this wine is lovely'. Some people don't miss alcohol or feel like it when they're pregnant but a lot of my friends social lives invole the pub and I also didn't ever 'lose the taste for it' like a lot of people. It was hard not to feel angry and resentful - we were supposed to be in it 100pc together but my life had totally changed while his hadn't at all and drinking was just and symptom of this. After a while he understood and asked me if I minded if he went out or had a drink, of course I said no, but it made me feel slightly better he acknowledged it was difficult for me to sit there watching him enjoy something I'd given up

No advice really just to say I felt the same!

winsinbin · 08/02/2019 11:14

As you know yourself, YABU. Buy yourself a couple of nice treats to eat/drink, light some candles and curl up on the sofa to read or watch a movie in peace. The time will come soon enough when that won’t be an option!!

Crunchymum · 08/02/2019 11:15

I assume they aren't going out on his actual birthday?

So on the day, book a table somewhere nice for the two of you?

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 11:17

But why can't you go out to his birthday drinks too?

Do you have other small children at home? if this is the case then fair enough, tricky to go out unless you can get a family/babysitter to look after them.

Don't feel sad and resentful that he is having birthday drinks- you should definitely be going along too! have soft drinks or alcohol free cocktails.

Yes it's not the same as having an alcoholic drink, but it's only a temporary state currently and it's all for a very good reason!

Also, try not to give your partner grief about the fact he is drinking (unless he goes over the top and gets totally wasted- that is justified!) when you are in a position where you cannot.

My DH drank alcohol as normal all the way through my pregnancy last year, I did not ever begrudge him this.

Boysandbuses · 08/02/2019 11:18

I don't get why people think op should have been invited on a works do, for his birthday.

But ok I get what you mean. But ywbu, to make a fuss or make him feel like he can't go.

Take him out for his birthday separately and enjoy an evening out. Just because you as an drinking, doesn't mean you can't go out

3timeslucky · 08/02/2019 11:22

I wouldn't expect to be asked to a drinks thing being organised by colleagues for my dh but maybe that would normally happen for you? If so it is possible that they thought you wouldn't want to go because it is a drink centred evening. But that doesn't mean you can't go. Is the be-all-and-end-all of the evening to be paralytic?

Maybe talk to you dh. This won't stop as an issue (if it is an issue) once the baby is born. Both of you can't get shit-faced together. But it shouldn't be an issue to go out for a few drinks (alcoholic or not).

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 11:24

I'm struggling to understand this, but am trying, I suspect you're mourning the loss of your social life as it used to be.

When I was pregnant it did not change my social life, I still went out, drinks, dinner, whatever, I simply didn't drink alcohol.

So he's entitled to go out with his colleagues or friends, but there is nothing to stop you having the same social life you had ore pregnancy simply consuming soft drinks.