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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think AIBU...about OH drinking I'm while pregnant

91 replies

ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 10:54

I do think I'm being unreasonable here, so posting for traffic to see if any others felt the same way and how you made yourselves feel better about it.

Pre-pregnancy I would love to go out for drinks, cocktails etc with my DH. I obviously can't do that now.
He mentioned yesterday that work colleagues are organising him birthday drinks, and for some reason I have ended up a bit upset by it.
I think I am feeling isolated because I can't do this right now. I've told him it made me sad. He went out with them at Christmas and got in the worst state I've ever seen him in, but it was Christmas, so nevermind. He has been for a social drink since. I know they are organising these drinks for him, but I feel a bit shit that I haven't been given a thought with an invite and also, that I have to stay at home on my own while he goes out and does the things he knows I enjoy but of course have given up.

I should add that he doesn't go out a lot so I feel horrible about how I'm feeling. The pregnant wife at home who can't join in the fun.
Most of my friends have young families so I can't invite them round really, and my best friend lives away.

So how did you go about stopping yourself feeling mopey and isolated when you were in this position? I love my DH to bits and don't want to be a ball and chain that stops him enjoying himself, but I also don't want to feel resentful about it. We have chatted so he knows I feel left out.

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 08/02/2019 11:28

Whilst I don't think he needs to not go, a general chat avout how you are feeling wouldn't go amiss.

Remember you made this baby together, and will both be parents very soon. There's a part he can play in making this pregnancy easier for you, even though he can't carry the child himself.

sobeyondthehills · 08/02/2019 11:29

Just enjoy not having the hangover

I was 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday, I still went out had a great time and enjoyed my very smug smile when my Partner and two friends who had stayed round ours appeared in the morning looking like shit.

I then made my partner cook everyone breakfast cause, you know, I was pregnant

dashitauntagatha · 08/02/2019 11:30

Everyone feels differently about pregnancy - and on MN it's not really the done thing to admit to missing alcohol - but I did so much for the first months of my second pregnancy - it was Summer and I wasn't expecting to get pregnant so quickly (having had 3 years infertility plus IVF for the first one) and we had lots of events coming up which just weren't as much fun not being able to drink at all (I mean no-one misses getting paralytic or having hangovers but the nice buzz from 2/3 drinks at a social event where everyone is letting their hair down is what I missed).

So I totally sympathise and I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel a bit down about it - but don't make him feel bad about it because it's not his fault he can drink and you can't and you don't want resentment to build. IMO pregnancy just sucks full stop (I know not everyone feels this way) and it's horribly unfair we are the ones that have to do it... BUT there is no way around it and it's all worth it in the end so we just have to suck it up don't we? Agree with others - make it a nice evening for yourself with some treat food, a film you've wanted to watch for ages and maybe even a small glass of vino if you can stomach it.

Original poster

ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 11:34

Thanks for your replies. Like I said, I know IABU really but just wanted to talk about it somewhere. I will get myself a takeaway that night, curl up and watch a film. It's helpful to know I'm not alone in feeling a bit gutted that I can't do certain things, but I'm not going to kid myself in to thinking its fair to ask him not to go, because it totally isn't (so I wouldn't do that).

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 08/02/2019 11:40

Isolate what you are annoyed about.

Works night out - would you have been invited ordinarily?

Dp having a drink when you can't?

Dp going out while you are at home?

The reality of making sacrifices for a baby starts with pregnancy for us while men don't experience it until after the birth.

He doesn't sound like he goes out that much. As long as he isn't choosing a night out over celebrating with you or missing plans the next day due to a hangover then try and be happy for him to have a night out.

NunoGoncalves · 08/02/2019 11:42

Yeah, if you would normally have been invited but were not just because you're pregnant, then you're right to be annoyed!

If it's just that your husband is going to be drinking and you can't, then YABU.

ltk · 08/02/2019 11:45

You are, currently, free to go out and do as you please of an evening. I doubt Netflix and a takeaway is really the best you can do. Soon you will have childcare commitments and every evening out will be a negotiated release!

So, call up a friend or three or seven and arrange yourself some evenings out. Dinners, movies, pubs for mocktails, whatever.

You shouldn't be jealous that DH is drinking. You should be jealous that he has a social life that you also crave. Go get it while you can.

CatsOnCatnip · 08/02/2019 11:46

I was in exactly the same position over Christmas. My husband went out for Christmas drinks with our friends 2 days before and got hammered then planned to go out again with everyone like we always do, on Christmas Eve. I was heavily pregnant and working on my feet all day so physically just couldn’t bring myself to stand in a packed pub after work. I had a proper cry and felt really sorry for myself Christmas Eve morning, I just felt really isolated all of a sudden and lonely and I really wanted him to just stay in with me! He was sympathetic and said he hadn’t really thought it through. He stayed in.

I felt a bit needy and silly, as it’s quite out of character for me to behave like that, but at the end of the day we’re in this together, even if I’m the one doing the bulk.

Underparmummy · 08/02/2019 11:51

Oh my god woman, GO OUT. Cinema, pregnancy exercise class, a meal where it is more about the food, an evening spa with a mate. Do not start the years of staying in pre baby.

NunoGoncalves · 08/02/2019 11:54

If this is your first baby, I really recommend going out as much as possible while you still easily can!!

blackteasplease · 08/02/2019 12:03

The only thing I would say is never feel pressured to drive people home from anywhere late at night or at a time of their choosing just because you are pregnant.

Pregnancy is tiring and driving tired is very dangerous too. Plus, you know, why should you?

I know this isn't your question but wanted to post it in case anyone else is reading who has been asked to do this.

Hiphopopotamous · 08/02/2019 12:03

Currently pregnant and previously enjoyed lots of wine/cocktails.

I still go out for cocktails with the girls, just order a mocktail or ask the bartenders to make me something non-alcoholic - I don't feel I'm missing out because often it looks and tastes similar to a cocktail.

Second what PPs have said - if this is your first, go out as much as possible! I can't remember the last time I went to the cinema or had a day out on my own!

FluffMagnet · 08/02/2019 12:07

I don't think YABU. I hate pregnancy, and I am going through it because my husband wants a child. Therefore if I have to give up things I love, so should he. It is not going to kill him not to drink, and gives him a small idea of the sacrifices you are making to carry his child to term.

I asked my husband not to drink, but it didn't last long (mainly to my, frankly misplaced, guilt). He has, at least, given up all foods I cannot eat as he acknowledges that it is extremely unfair on me to wave things I miss and crave dreadfully in front of my face. I was furious though when his father turned up on my birthday (so I had to stay in and cook dinner for him), and proceeded to drink the house dry of my favourite wine (that I had been saving for post-pregnancy) and get my husband hammered in the process, resulting in a 1am wake up for me to deal with said husband shout-whispering to me and crashing into walls. Words were had, and FIL drank alone for the rest of his stay.

I am also with you that it is not necessarily as easy as people say to just gather friends to host a separate social event. I am already mourning my old life, but pregnancy has been so hard, my friends all live so far away (several hours) and my colleagues have children, so my social life took an immediate dive. My husband, still being fit and well, having child-free friends that can travel and working in the City, still has managed to pretty much carry on as before. It is beyond frustrating, and I don't think anyone should be made to feel guilty for disliking the fact they are already slave to the baby, whilst the other person 50% responsible for said baby gets away scot-free.

CatsOnCatnip · 08/02/2019 12:25

Oh my GOD FluffMagnet, I would murder them BOTH! I get pissed off when something drinks my special soft drinks let alone if they touched the champagne and Rioja I’m saving!!!!! Same as you, I have not really enjoyed pregnancy, but I appreciate I’m lucky enough to be able to have the experience at all.

Some people feel great when pregnant and going out socialising is still fun. My job is really physical and I’ve only just gone in maternity leave, I was knackered, couldn’t even face my Christmas works do meal and I’m so sodding uncomfortable sitting in the same position for long periods isn’t great so I’m not feeling sitting in the cinema needing the loo every half an hour

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 12:33

FluffMagnet what is the point of all of these rules?

If someone told me I couldn't eat or drink what I wanted for nine months, for no actual medical reason, we'd be having quite a conversation about that! That very, very, selfish IMO.

blackteasplease · 08/02/2019 12:42

estrella read what she has said. Fluff didn't really want to be pregnant but her husband craved a child. She clears feels the sacrifices really keenly and if her dh wants a child so much he can do whatever makes it easier for her to bear. If that means not scoffing lovely cheeses and downing wine in front if her face then thsts what needs to happen.

And the FIL was beyond rude. I hope he replaces that wine or your dh does!

Sadly a lot of men make these promises and then don't abide by them while the woman is pregnant.

FluffMagnet · 08/02/2019 12:42

The point is that I am giving them up for him to have the child he so badly wants (and that I don't). Plus, its generally polite. I LOVE my food, and am finding it very difficult to resist certain "banned" foods. Having them sat in the fridge is unfair on me, as it is highlighting what I cannot have. Just as I wouldn't sit in front of someone on a strict diet and stuff my face with chocolate.

It doesn't harm him not to eat them. Why be a martyr? If I were selfish, I wouldn't be having this baby.

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 12:51

So you're a martyr and now he's had to become one too. What a strange way to live.

You didn't have to have a child if you didn't want one, you know. I'm sad for you if you've felt you had to do that. It's not an easy road, pregnancy and motherhood, even if you are desperate to do it. You've got the rest of you life to be parents, it's be really unhealthy to continually think 'well I did this for you, so you better appreciate it forever'.

CatsOnCatnip · 08/02/2019 12:52

My husband (his decision) was all on the giving up drinking and going running in the evening, that didn’t happen in anyway shape or form. Not even a little bit. I wasn’t too bothered. But the socialising over Christmas really got to me. Hormones all over the shop! Luckily he doesn’t like ‘smelly’ cheese!

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 12:56

Gosh, you're having a child you don't want? Why would you do that? How will you raise an unwanted child?

CatsOnCatnip · 08/02/2019 12:57

I also think it’s healthy and reasonable to appreciate the mother of your children for producing and carrying them ‘forever’. Shame some men don’t.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 08/02/2019 12:57

I get where you’re coming from. I think it’s less about not joining in, but the daunting realisation that life is changing and that at the moment the change is affecting you more than him.

If it makes you feel better, I was pregnant with DC3 with two toddlers at home and DH had a silver service lunch. I was irrationally jealous of him having a lovely lunch with someone presenting him with yummy food and I was lucky to get a limp ham sandwich... I cried that lunch time! Despite being the best time of my life there were definite moments where it all felt like a very bad idea! (and considering I’d spent years of infertility dreaming of that moment I was very conflicted with how I felt!)

mindutopia · 08/02/2019 13:01

Go, have a tonic water with a slice, enjoy being able to drive and not be hungover the next day. Or if you're feeling wild, have a small wine spritzer or something.

My dh and I really enjoy a drink (or several). But actually not drinking during my pregnancies really wasn't a big deal. It's oddly refreshing to have a reason not to drink (as frankly, otherwise I find a reason to more days than not!). I definitely felt better in the morning, had more energy, and it made drinking again eventually all the better. Really, it's not a big deal and you can enjoy a night out while not drinking (and this is from someone who really does enjoy a drink!).

GabsAlot · 08/02/2019 13:02

why would u have a child if u dont want one-noone wold make me do that

back to the op if its a works thing why would u be invited or do they usually invite you

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 13:02

Well of course Cats but not like in an active, daily way.

Like, today I'm going to honour you by not eating Brie, despite the fact that our children are now teenagers.

It's more of an implicit thing than that for the most part

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