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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think AIBU...about OH drinking I'm while pregnant

91 replies

ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 10:54

I do think I'm being unreasonable here, so posting for traffic to see if any others felt the same way and how you made yourselves feel better about it.

Pre-pregnancy I would love to go out for drinks, cocktails etc with my DH. I obviously can't do that now.
He mentioned yesterday that work colleagues are organising him birthday drinks, and for some reason I have ended up a bit upset by it.
I think I am feeling isolated because I can't do this right now. I've told him it made me sad. He went out with them at Christmas and got in the worst state I've ever seen him in, but it was Christmas, so nevermind. He has been for a social drink since. I know they are organising these drinks for him, but I feel a bit shit that I haven't been given a thought with an invite and also, that I have to stay at home on my own while he goes out and does the things he knows I enjoy but of course have given up.

I should add that he doesn't go out a lot so I feel horrible about how I'm feeling. The pregnant wife at home who can't join in the fun.
Most of my friends have young families so I can't invite them round really, and my best friend lives away.

So how did you go about stopping yourself feeling mopey and isolated when you were in this position? I love my DH to bits and don't want to be a ball and chain that stops him enjoying himself, but I also don't want to feel resentful about it. We have chatted so he knows I feel left out.

OP posts:

TheMammothHunters · 08/02/2019 13:03

I love white wine and missed it. DH was only allowed to drink red or bitter when I was pregnant. It was least he could do!

Lookingforadvice123 · 08/02/2019 13:05

YABU sorry, it can be hard though. I'm not a huge drinker since DS age 3 but love having a few on the weekend. Currently pregnant with DC2 and I was dreading that part of Christmas, the work meal and the day itself when all my family and DH could enjoy a few drinks. My work Christmas meal was a bit lame and I definitely would've had more fun if I'd been drinking! But Christmas Day was actually fine, I didn't miss it all that much (I did have one glass of Buck's Fizz).

Just make sure you bank these nights out for after the baby's here and you want to go out again!

Loopytiles · 08/02/2019 13:06

Are the drinks on his actual birthday? If so then it’s a bit shit of him not to invite you, or reschedule the drinks so you can do something as a couple on his birthday.

If the drinks are another evening then as you acknowledge it’d be U to be annoyed.

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 13:07

I don't get this attitude at all, it's 'the least he can do'

But then it's been a long time since I was pregnant, maybe I've forgotten how intense it can feel.

Original poster

ithinkimbeingsilly · 08/02/2019 13:10

Just make sure you bank these nights out for after the baby's here and you want to go out again!

I will be for definite! I've keen so many two for one cocktails signs everywhere!! It'll be a long long time after baby is born until I feel comfortable going out, but when I do, I already know what I'm having!

OP posts:

SoyDora · 08/02/2019 13:11

FluffMagnet you’re having a child you don’t want... surely that’s the epitome of martyrdom?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/02/2019 13:15

The other thing is make sure you really enjoy the evening on your own because once your baby arrives, you won't get any peace - or space alone - again for a looooooong time

diddl · 08/02/2019 13:19

Being jealous of someone else being able to drink/go out seems utterly ridiculous to me tbh.

You can till have a social life-just alcohol free for a short while.

honeylane · 08/02/2019 13:21

I would be upset too

Yes people can suggest mock tails but how much fun is it really to be surrounded by drunk people all night and be designated driver. It's his life which has changed too.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 08/02/2019 13:23

If your friends have young kids why don’t you hop round theirs with a takeaway after bedtime and enjoy yourselves. Movie, pamper sesh whatever takes your fancy?

Or go to your best mates for the night if it’s a reasonable drive?

I get that it feels like nothings changed for him and everything has for you but it’s only a comparatively short time. Make the most of it while you can leave the house without a full scale military operation.

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 13:27

But his life hasn't changed yet honeylane. It just hasn't, much as we might like to think it affects both parents equally. It will when the baby arrives, if he's a hands-on parent, but let's not pretend that being married to a pregnant person is the same as being pregnant.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 08/02/2019 13:28

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and love a glass of wine or cocktail, whilst I'm gutted I can't do it, I haven't told my husband to give up, he's going away for the weekend with the boys when I'm 35 weeks pregnant which will be booze filled but he doesn't do it every weekend and it's for his birthday which he's doing early as baby is due on his birthday !

MilkybarsROnMe · 08/02/2019 13:33

I think you are being a little bit precious. I’m not sure many people would be invited out for birthday drinks with their husband’s workmates pregnant or not, I certainly wouldn’t, I’ve never met them.

We attended weddings, parties, Christmas things together all whilst I was pregnant and not once did I say he couldn’t drink because I couldn’t, it’d look a bit weird. The only time I stopped him having a drink was as we neared the due date, I was 38 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day and he had 1 beer all day, same for new year.

Unless you are about to pop you are being unreasonable.

Loopytiles · 08/02/2019 13:36

I don’t think OP is being precious if the drinks are on his actual bday and he’s chosen those over time with OP.

I do think it’s precious when pregnant women ask their partner not to drink, or not to have a specific drink, “in support”.

Kylieemilyj · 08/02/2019 13:42

if it makes you feel any better my partner goes out for social drinks pretty much every other weekend at least so i know how you feel :) but i think it is a bit sh** that they havent invited you too.

HoustonBess · 08/02/2019 13:44

I remember feeling like this on my first pregnancy - now in second pregnancy I'm encouraging DH to go out a bit because it's good for both of us...

It's not fair but motherhood does usually mean more constraint on the woman both through pregnancy and when the baby is tiny and only wants you. You might get similar feelings when it comes if you breastfeed and DH sleeps through, when you suss the baby is ill and DH hasn't a clue, etc.

Those friends with young families you talk about. Get the women to come round to yours for a film night/mocktails/whatever you want while their men stay home with the kids. It's cheap and cheerful and stops you from just staying in feeling left out.

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 13:49

I didn't know that was a birthday thing - you have to choose to spend it with your partner! Surely it's up to him, and if drinks are being arranged for him, it's more of a group thing, i.e. who can all make the same date.

Wallsbangers · 08/02/2019 14:07

I don't understand, do you do everything together? Is it a big birthday?

Honestly seeing my husband suffering with a hangover was an excellent payback for my pregnancy related constant back ache, vommiting, insomnia, massive ankles, etc. Just make him sleep in the spare room or on the sofa.

Tinkerbell89 · 08/02/2019 14:08

Have a quiet night in, order take away and let DH enjoy his night out. When baby comes these will be harder for him to attend. Perhaps arrange an evening to go out together and you could have mocktails.

Aeonium · 08/02/2019 14:11

It sounds like you wouldn’t have been invited even if you weren’t pregnant. Not sure why you’d expect to be invited to drinks with his colleagues? Unless they’re all bringing their partners?

Not drinking is temporary. You can still go out with your own friends and have a soft drink.

diddl · 08/02/2019 14:14

"I don’t think OP is being precious if the drinks are on his actual bday and he’s chosen those over time with OP."

But that wouldn't mean that he couldn't celebrate his bday at some other time with Op.

KarmaStar · 08/02/2019 14:17

Hi OP,
You really don't need to stay at home and miss out on socializing.If you don't know his work friends and partners aren't invited,have a pamper evening yourself,but on other occasions,go out and enjoy yourself.when your baby arrived it will be more difficult to do so,enjoy your freedom.

Karigan195 · 08/02/2019 14:18

Lady organise your own night out with some friends or treat yourself to a pamper session.

It sucks missing out. I’m 11 weeks and just keep telling myself it won’t last.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 14:20

YABU (as you acknowledge yourself)

LeSquigh · 08/02/2019 14:34

I felt like you, SO much. We used to go out drinking together and with friends fairly regularly and I was so jealous when I couldn’t. So YANBU in my eyes! If I can’t drink there’s little point going out as far as I’m concerned - it’s not the same at all. I have kept that up now my baby is a toddler, my OH still goes out and I now feel too exhausted to do it.

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