Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think leaving my abusive marriage has screwed up my DC's more than if I had stayed?

77 replies

Readytorewind · 07/02/2019 16:35

I have had the roughest week, please don't shout at me.

I work full time, I have 3 dc's and I left the night my husband bit a big chunk of skin out of my shoulder when I was sleeping. Over our marriage he gave me black eyes, broken ribs and jaw and opened up a birth injury through forcing me to have sex with him.

I left 4.5 years ago. We were all traumatised and he said I would fuck up the kids if I left. It feels like he was right. I have had such a rough 4 years. I was traumatised, had a court case to deal with as well as studying for a masters, we have moved house 4 times, been homeless and I have had 6 jobs. I was suicidal last year but held on, mainly for the DC's. In November I finally got a permanent job and bought our house. The dc's have coped well and (apart from some aggression and anxiety from DS2, that I have dealt with) seemed to be okay.

But this week has gone to shit. On Monday DS1's parents evening, he screwed up his mock GCSE's, clearly didn't revise after me telling him to constantly and him saying he was! Yesterday - DD's teacher asked to 'have a word' she was disruptive, talking and moving a lot in class. She's 7. Today - had to go in and see DS2's teacher (he's 11) he is going to fail his SATS. Doesn't seem interested. DS2 sat there and shrugged.

I'm now questioning everything? I have obviously ruptured their family life apart and the cracks are now coming through. Perhaps they have realised I was fucked so kept a lid on it all this time and now it is all coming out. I am sat in the kitchen crying, they are all off relaxing after school and I have failed them. Please tell me things aren't completely ruined for my dc's? I feel so desperate.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 07/02/2019 16:44

I don't know anything about your family, but I think it's interesting this is all kicking off now. Either, something has happened (is their father still in their lives and perhaps threatening/causing new problems) OR it's taken them this long to feel like they actually CAN kick off. Because they were probably terrified the entire time you were together. Which, could possibly be seen as a good thing - they're, ironically, more confident and now testing boundaries?

I can't imagine what you're going through. Do their schools know about your past? Is it possible to seek counselling, through school or elsewhere, for the children? I think it's worrying it's all kicking off at once so I would also want to know if there's anything else going on that is impacting all of them right now.

Importantly, to answer your original question - staying with an abusive man is NEVER better for the children. They will see and hear everything. They will be terrified. They will learn behaviours that are incredibly unhealthy. Leaving was DEFINITELY the best thing you could do (capitals for emphasis, not shouting! Smile )

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/02/2019 16:50

These things could happen to a parent in a happy marriage
It’s just rotten luck to have all occur at the same time . I wonder why all have kicked off at the same time ?

Can I say that this is better than what would have happened had you stayed . For starters they might not even have a mother Sad

I would seperate the abusive ex from this . It’s not cause and effect . Sounds like you are a struggling single mum and 3 lots of (not abnormal) shits have hit the fan all at the same time

So please stop blaming the split and try and calm yourself down as urgent priority

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Then when calmer think what can be addressed and when

Mylovelies · 07/02/2019 16:50

Sweetheart, I haven't had to go through anything anywhere near as tough, and we've had moments like this. I suspect you're actually doing incredibly well. Don't assume exhausting teenage arsiness is always your fault, this stuff happens in all sorts of homes, whatever their circumstances, and will pass. Massive massive handhold and love to you. Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/02/2019 16:52

And really what’s happened is they have all got slack at school .
One failed a mock
One might fail an exam that only really matters for the school
And one is ‘naughty’

It’s stressful and horrible but in black and white it’s all fixable xx

Soubriquet · 07/02/2019 16:52

Of course it’s better you left

Because you left they have a mother

Something that probably wouldn’t have if you had stayed

Have you ever seeked councilling for both you and your children? It may benefit them

spreadingchestnuttree · 07/02/2019 16:56

If you didn't leave who knows what would have happened, but it would certainly have been worse for you and for the children Sad

No idea what to advise but good luck Flowers

Bambamber · 07/02/2019 16:57

Your safety and your children's safety is far more important than how they do in exams. Especially exams that aren't the be and end all. Mock GCSEs are just that, mock exams. SAT exams I personally think are a load of shit anyway and unnecessary pressure.

Have your children ever had any form of counselling? Maybe they need some additional support to process everything that has happened and they are unsettled still. It must have been very difficult for them, but you absolutely, 100% did the right thing

merrybloominchristmas · 07/02/2019 16:59

ok

  1. I work with children aged 7-9. 98% of them talk, move around and disrupt sometimes. That's just kids.
  2. It's a mock-plenty of time to pull his ssocks up and if he fails the real thing he can always retake
  3. not passing his sats is not the end of the world

You have done an amazing job of putting them first and keeping them safe.
Please don't blame yourself for anything.

ilovemakkapakka · 07/02/2019 17:00

Bless you, you are a hero and a warrior. You absolutely did the right thing. I agree with @stop, this is normal children’s stuff just happens to be at the same time. Focus on the eldest’s mock and says don’t count for anything, and try to make sure there is nothing deeper going on with any of them, but I bet there isn’t xx FlowersFlowers

ilovemakkapakka · 07/02/2019 17:01

Sorry, “sats don’t count for anything “

Butterymuffin · 07/02/2019 17:01

None of those things, frustrating though they are, compare in any way to you being hurt or abused or even worse as pp have said. They can all be sorted. You very definitely did the right thing. What if he'd started being violent to them as well as you? You've done brilliantly in getting away Flowers

Heronymous · 07/02/2019 17:02

Oh OP. In the grand scheme of things, these are small beer issues. Of course you’re worried but lots of kids fuck up exams, often for no good reason. This is so much better than the abusive relationship. You are doing brilliantly Flowers

AppleKatie · 07/02/2019 17:03

Sounds like you have worked fucking hard to get them all to a great place and they now feel safe enough to kick off.

This is not the result of what you’ve done rather it is the result of what he did whilst you were living with him. I’m sorry it’s horrendously unfair that you have to deal with this now after all you’ve been through but think of it like this. Far better that they have their wobbles NOW than if they bottled it all up til adulthood.

SleepWarrior · 07/02/2019 17:03

These problems feel huge because you are already traumatised and and carrying such a huge burden, plus they are all hitting you at once.

But the reality is they are wonderfully 'normal' problems! Some of the things that kids can do/struggle with after staying in the environment you were in are truly awful and traumatising in their own right.

These are the sort these that you will be able to look back with a smile and tell your DC that they really put you through the mill. Take heart from that. You've done a good job and you can get through this too Flowers

madcatladyforever · 07/02/2019 17:06

PLEASE don't blame yourself OP.

I went through the same thing and you have coped admirably. My son went properly off the rails in his 20's, drugs, homelessness and suicide attempt.

We finally decided to go to family counselling s I blamed myself. My son said what fucked him up was his fathers violence when we lived with him. He said he never regretted for a minute that we left and was relieved when the court decided we never had to see him again.

He is 36 now and living a very normal life with a job, lovely partner and his own home.

Children really so need counselling after this kind of trauma, you don't get injured in a car crash and hope the injuries will sort themselves out, your kids need mental health care.

This could be an indication that you need to see your doctor and get a referral. They are so much better in the states at this than we are.

Never blame yourself for one minute. What happened to you and the kids is 100% that man's fault.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2019 17:08

You didn't fail them. He did.

MissB83 · 07/02/2019 17:10

I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to offer but I think you are amazing and strong and I'm sure your kids do too- or if they don't now they will do one day. Thanks

After everything you've already got through, you will be ok. You've done the best for them you could have done with a bad lot.

userschmoozer · 07/02/2019 17:13

Give your head a wobble. Remind yourself where your kids would be now if you had been killed.
You did not create this situation. You will get through this. Flowers

CountessVonBoobs · 07/02/2019 17:13

You are doing great, truly.

The time when people feel stabilised and safe is often the time when they actually start processing their trauma - when they were in the situation with you they were probably in survival mode and dared not process anything. This feels overwhelming because it's all happening at once. But honestly, they will be so much healthier and better off ultimately for having a safe space now in which they can struggle and rebuild. Hang in there Flowers

OdeToDiazepam · 07/02/2019 17:16

You matter. You're their mum. And you can only be a good mum to them if you're safe and happy. No abusive relationship is worth staying in or better for the kids. You did the right thing Thanks

Leedsgirlfriend · 07/02/2019 17:16

Those things your kids do are not that bad! Cut yourself some slack. You HAD to leave your husband.

Notsurehowifeel0 · 07/02/2019 17:18

You 100% did the right thing by leaving the abusive man.

Just imagine how much it would mess the children up if he eventually killed you or if he turned on them.

They are just having a hard time op. You can and will get them through this. Think about how far you've come, keep going. Flowers

GooodMythicalMorning · 07/02/2019 17:18

yes they still have you and each other which by the sound of it might not have done otherwise if you'd stayed. Sad

Chocolatecake12 · 07/02/2019 17:20

Gosh reading your post what struck me was how very brave you are and how resilient. You have shown your children that being abusive and being abused are both wrong and you have shown them that it cannot be tolerated.

Going forward in their lives they will hopefully be able to form loving relationships because you’ve shown them that.
My ds did badly on his mock GCSES. It was the best thing for him as it gave him the kick up the bum to start revising and he passed his exams with really good grades. I was super proud of him. I told him that no one can do it for him, at his age he had to take that responsibility.
As for your ds2 - sats are sats. Yes they’re mainly for the school and if he’s been told this he’s unlikely to want to work towards them. However they do predict your GSCE results - and I know but if he knows that then he might start working a bit harder.
And your dd is probably just being 7, pushing boundaries and seeing what she can get away with.
You’ve been through so much, this seems hard as it’s all come at once but you’ll get through xx

soberfabulous · 07/02/2019 17:21

Bloody hell OP what a strong woman you are. You could be dead! You've shown your children true strength and resilience.

The things you're describing could be anyone's kids...be kind to yourself. It feels desperate but these are blips. You will get through this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread