To think leaving my abusive marriage has screwed up my DC's more than if I had stayed?

[Readytorewind]

I have had the roughest week, please don't shout at me.

I work full time, I have 3 dc's and I left the night my husband bit a big chunk of skin out of my shoulder when I was sleeping. Over our marriage he gave me black eyes, broken ribs and jaw and opened up a birth injury through forcing me to have sex with him.

I left 4.5 years ago. We were all traumatised and he said I would fuck up the kids if I left. It feels like he was right. I have had such a rough 4 years. I was traumatised, had a court case to deal with as well as studying for a masters, we have moved house 4 times, been homeless and I have had 6 jobs. I was suicidal last year but held on, mainly for the DC's. In November I finally got a permanent job and bought our house. The dc's have coped well and (apart from some aggression and anxiety from DS2, that I have dealt with) seemed to be okay.

But this week has gone to shit. On Monday DS1's parents evening, he screwed up his mock GCSE's, clearly didn't revise after me telling him to constantly and him saying he was! Yesterday - DD's teacher asked to 'have a word' she was disruptive, talking and moving a lot in class. She's 7. Today - had to go in and see DS2's teacher (he's 11) he is going to fail his SATS. Doesn't seem interested. DS2 sat there and shrugged.

I'm now questioning everything? I have obviously ruptured their family life apart and the cracks are now coming through. Perhaps they have realised I was fucked so kept a lid on it all this time and now it is all coming out. I am sat in the kitchen crying, they are all off relaxing after school and I have failed them. Please tell me things aren't completely ruined for my dc's? I feel so desperate.

I took the dc's out for tea and we just spent some time talking, the 4 of us.

I haven't had it quite as bad as you but did have to leave abusive ex and have 2 dcs.

This sentence in your post struck a chord with me. Throughout all of this (8 years now) doing that (eating together) has saved us and kept us strong. I make sure we have dinner together every night - no TV, no phones, just conversation (sometimes none!)

I know it sounds so simple and ineffective, but genuinely I look back at the last years and know that hour of the day kept us together, talking and 'normal'. I work f/t too but I don't care if its 9pm by the time I am finished work, we still eat together every night. The difference it makes is huge. It kept us together and human and we are all 'checked-in' on. And no conversation is out of bounds.

You are doing amazing, your kids aren't failing, they are just being normal. There is plenty of time to pull it back for GCSE anyway! Keep on :-)

OP, I've just read the full thread and want to tell you that I think you're fab.

You've created such a lovely family home for your children that they just want to spend more time in it. If that doesn't tell you that you're doing things right, I don't know what does.