To think leaving my abusive marriage has screwed up my DC's more than if I had stayed?

[Readytorewind]

I have had the roughest week, please don't shout at me.

I work full time, I have 3 dc's and I left the night my husband bit a big chunk of skin out of my shoulder when I was sleeping. Over our marriage he gave me black eyes, broken ribs and jaw and opened up a birth injury through forcing me to have sex with him.

I left 4.5 years ago. We were all traumatised and he said I would fuck up the kids if I left. It feels like he was right. I have had such a rough 4 years. I was traumatised, had a court case to deal with as well as studying for a masters, we have moved house 4 times, been homeless and I have had 6 jobs. I was suicidal last year but held on, mainly for the DC's. In November I finally got a permanent job and bought our house. The dc's have coped well and (apart from some aggression and anxiety from DS2, that I have dealt with) seemed to be okay.

But this week has gone to shit. On Monday DS1's parents evening, he screwed up his mock GCSE's, clearly didn't revise after me telling him to constantly and him saying he was! Yesterday - DD's teacher asked to 'have a word' she was disruptive, talking and moving a lot in class. She's 7. Today - had to go in and see DS2's teacher (he's 11) he is going to fail his SATS. Doesn't seem interested. DS2 sat there and shrugged.

I'm now questioning everything? I have obviously ruptured their family life apart and the cracks are now coming through. Perhaps they have realised I was fucked so kept a lid on it all this time and now it is all coming out. I am sat in the kitchen crying, they are all off relaxing after school and I have failed them. Please tell me things aren't completely ruined for my dc's? I feel so desperate.

[Teddyduchamp]

So your children have now got a safe home and a safe parent and are secure enough that they can take their feet off the pedals and behave like normal annoying kids. You did the bravest thing in the world and you saved those children and let them be free and relaxed enough to be themselves. Cut yourself some slack. A 7 year old that moves a lot? So what does it matter about SATS and your oldest has fucked up, he lied to take the pressure off you so you didn't need to stand over his shoulder. Well done for raising those kids in spite of their father

[Jcsp]

Mocks - don’t really matter that much. Plenty mess up but deliver the goods in the summer. May affect offers for 6th form but rarely set in concrete, things can be negotiated.

SATs matter even less. Some secondary schools use them to put pupils in sets/bands in Y7 but if it’s wrong the school will move a child up. (or down sets)

Your daughter is a bit chatty - so are many others.

Hearing all this together can be a bit of a strain but when your able to look at it clearly it’s all normal.

There’s plenty of time to gently pick up the pieces.

All the best.

[Bringbackthestripes]

he said I would fuck up the kids if I left

He was wrong! Kids get fidgety, kids don’t bother revising and kids do badly at tests all the time.

What merrybloominchristmas said:
“1) I work with children aged 7-9. 98% of them talk, move around and disrupt sometimes. That's just kids.
2) It's a mock-plenty of time to pull his ssocks up and if he fails the real thing he can always retake
3) not passing his sats is not the end of the world”

[Quandary2018]

Blimey OP cut yourself some slack. Read the beginning of your post back to yourself and realise how much you’ve achieved in the face of a truly horrendous situation.
As PP have said, the kids finally feel safe and that’s why they’re behaving the way they are. You have given them a life they feel safe in, you, no one else.

When i got away from my abusive ex women’s aid were great and arranged a counsellor to come in and see my son at school once a week for about 10 weeks. He could’ve done with more but their funding is tight and I couldn’t afford it but it made a world of difference for him.
He had a slip in behaviour a few months ago and the counsellor came back for 3 weeks to do some refreshing on coping tactics etc
They really were brilliant- maybe see if they can help you too?

[Coyoacan]

A lot of good comments here. I think they may finally feel safe enough to start giving you a hard time and that is a healthy sign, despite the negative consequences on their school work.

I moved my dd to another country when she was four and for the first few months she was spookily well behaved. It was a relief to me when she started to misbehave again.

You absolutely did the right thing getting yourself and your children away from that man and congratulations on having come so far.

[Dimsumlosesum]

OP - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. We would've been so much more horrifically worse off had My mum stayed with my dad. We are, and were, beyond grateful she left him. Yes it was hard, for years. Yes we left a naice house and a naice neighbourhood, but it was a much worse life than the subsequent one. All you can do is do your best by your children, which by the sounds of it you ABSOLUTELY have been. They will be fine. Even families with "happily" married parents have kids who will just be kids and not listen, not know what to do about life etc. Even if they had their dad living with you it doesn't mean magically they would've been perfect little munchkins. You've done the absolute right thing by leaving- you're doing an amazing job.

[imip]

I can guarantee you you didn’t fuck up the dcs. I grew up in a family like yours but my mum never left. I can categorically tell you that staying with my dad completely fucked up mine and my 4 siblings lives. We don’t all work, have had very precarious life experiences of our own doing and very poor mental health.

Mocks are a worry, but plenty of time to get back on track. Failing SATS mean nothing, completely irrelevant. This can be repaired. Disruptive 7 year old, not a concern unless she is upset about something.

Guaranteed if you were still with your ex, life for your dc would be a lot worse.

[myhamsteratefreddiestarr]

OP, hopefully the schools know your circumstances, if they don't then please inform them and ask them what support they can offer to your DC. It may have been 4.5 years ago, but sometimes these things take a while to filter through. DC is always coming up with things that have come back to her, 7 years after her father left. Some children take time to process life events especially if they are young when it happens.

Our primary school offer THRIVE sessions as part of their mental health and SENCO care. The secondary school should have some sort of support that they can offer too.

You are taking on the guilt that your abusive XH made you carry with you. You did the BEST thing by getting them away from that life and by protecting them.

[zebakrheum]

If you'd stayed with him, he could have killed you.

You did absolutely the right thing - no child should see their father abusing their mother.

[Slatkater]

You are amazing, don't doubt yourself. Your kid are being...….kids.

[AngelaStorm73]

Life's hard as a single parent. It brings its own struggles.
But an abusive relationship is always worse.
You did the right thing.
I understand life's hard right now, though. Have you got a support network? Friends? Family? Have you had counselling? Been on the freedom Programme? Etc.
Could you get some more support for them at school? They may need some emotional help themselves after all they've been through. Some areas have courses for kids who have survived domestic abuse in the home. Worth a look?

[grumiosmum]

Really don't worry about the mock GCSEs. This is extremely common with boys. There's every chance he will realise he needs to ramp it up and do fine in the exams in the summer.

My DS did exactly this, and so did lots of his friends.

[Missingstreetlife]

More likely living in an abusive home harmed them. You have rescued them. There was a tv programme last night on children and dv if you can stand it. Be kind to yourself op, seek help if you need to from women's aid, social services, counselling for kids through school or gp, and for yourself. Everything passes. Hold on tight, keep breathing.

[LittlePaintBox]

It sounds as if you're doing really well, completing your MA, being in full time work and providing a roof over all your heads. Anyone would admire your strength and determination.

From what you say, it was your husband who fucked up - big time - you have nothing to blame yourself for.

I'm really sorry your kids are having problems at school, but this can happen to anyone. Maybe, as a PP said, they now feel secure enough to act out some of their feelings, but this doesn't mean their lives are ruined.

[TheCrowFromBelow]

DS1 y9 had a shocker of a parents’ evening recently and was on report for a week
You’ve been fantastically strong and shown them what’s important. As PP has did these are totally normal family problems to have. What you went through is not.
Don’t let him get back in your head.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP

It sounds like everything has happened at once. Yes it was a lot of change for them to cope with at once

But none of this is life altering. They are in a stable place now so can probably act up a bit more. Hopefully they will feel better about everything now things are more settled. It may take time and could you contact school about how disruptive the last few years have been and get them someone to talk to? Someone to help them catch up?

They may be stressed and angry at you for all the change. But you 100pc did the right thing, what they've been through is infinitely better than seeing their mum abused and growing up into adults who think this is normal and seek it out in their own relationships. You have taught them self respect and lots of other things that are a million times more important than GCSEs. Whatever happens now will be better than seeing their dad permanently injure their mum or worse

[10000days]

You are so brave. Go easy on yourself, go easy on the children.

My mum left my violent dad when I was 17. I'd already become a compliant people pleaser walking on eggshells around my dad. After it was just my mum and me I was put under a lot of pressure to achieve and be a 'perfect daughter' in every area so my mum didn't have any more stress. It led me to bottle my emotions which in turn led to using alcohol to disassociate. I suffered with lots of different mental health issues because of what I witnessed but couldn't burden my mum so the issues started getting on top of me.

I said to my counsellor that if I'd been 'safe' to fall apart a little bit at the time then I may have processed the childhood trauma a lot earlier than I did. Also don't forget about the chemical changes in their brains - they would have experienced high amounts of cortisol and adrenaline for a long time, and maybe only just now are getting back to normal levels.

[jelliebelly]

It sounds like you have done a brilliant job of securing a future for you all after an awful few years. Nothing you mention isn't fixable and don't for one minute think you should have stayed.

[wrongsideofhistorymyarse]

You absolutely did the right thing leaving. That takes enormous courage.

Be kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely mum. ♥️

[Ella1980]

Never doubt for one second you did the right thing. For you and your children

Do the kids have contact with their dad?

[WarpedGalaxy]

First, don't beat yourself up (sounds like you had enough of someone else doing that to you) you made the right choice for you and your dc at the time. You AND your dc were in danger. You have no way of knowing what would have happened if you had made a different choice, none of us do, but chances are, given the level and type of violence, that would only have gotten worse and you might not even be here now.

There's plenty of time for your kids to turn it around behaviourly and educationally, part of it I'm sure is down to the past and none of it sounds outrageously like they're acting out more than other children their ages. In the case of your DS1 at least I can offer a similar tale with my oldest. Very bright kid always done well up to that point (and with no broken home or dv in his past) he just totally lost motivation and interest in his GCSE year. His HOY told me this was common in mid-teens and more especially for boys. Fortunately school was on it and between us we got him through the exams and out the other side.
Wishing you all the best, it can't be easy, but none of this is your fault.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

I'm so sorry you have had to go through so much OP

Your DC will undoubtedly have suffered but if you hadn't left then it's very likely you would now be dead and their Dad would be in jail so the situation you now find yourself in is surely the lesser of two evils.

[cestlavielife]

Think abput it..if you had stayed you could be dead at his hands.
You did the right thing.
Get some counselling help
Camhs family therapy for all of you (not with ex obviously)
You got this far
This is a blip
There is help and support speak to school

[Jux]

None of that is awful, unusual or unfixable. It's not too late for ds1 to sort himself and do well enough in GCSEs, as said above, SATs aren't good formuch, and all 7yos need reminding of how to behave in school from time to time.

You have done a magnificent job of caring for them, have made them safe and given them the concrete example that adversity can be vanquished and surmounted. They have all experienced getting through hard times; I bet when they're adults nothing will stop them!

[lau888]

Yes, your kids knew most of what was going on. However, you have not ruined their lives and exams are not the end of the world. The person who failed all of you was your ex. If the kids are still in contact with their father, they will not have forgotten his behaviour toward you. But that's still not your fault; it's his fault. Be kind to yourself. Frankly, I'm in awe of how much you've accomplished.

Reach out to the SENCO and/or family support liaison (or whatever job title is most applicable) at your kids' schools. People will gladly help if you talk to them. x