To think leaving my abusive marriage has screwed up my DC's more than if I had stayed?

[Readytorewind]

I have had the roughest week, please don't shout at me.

I work full time, I have 3 dc's and I left the night my husband bit a big chunk of skin out of my shoulder when I was sleeping. Over our marriage he gave me black eyes, broken ribs and jaw and opened up a birth injury through forcing me to have sex with him.

I left 4.5 years ago. We were all traumatised and he said I would fuck up the kids if I left. It feels like he was right. I have had such a rough 4 years. I was traumatised, had a court case to deal with as well as studying for a masters, we have moved house 4 times, been homeless and I have had 6 jobs. I was suicidal last year but held on, mainly for the DC's. In November I finally got a permanent job and bought our house. The dc's have coped well and (apart from some aggression and anxiety from DS2, that I have dealt with) seemed to be okay.

But this week has gone to shit. On Monday DS1's parents evening, he screwed up his mock GCSE's, clearly didn't revise after me telling him to constantly and him saying he was! Yesterday - DD's teacher asked to 'have a word' she was disruptive, talking and moving a lot in class. She's 7. Today - had to go in and see DS2's teacher (he's 11) he is going to fail his SATS. Doesn't seem interested. DS2 sat there and shrugged.

I'm now questioning everything? I have obviously ruptured their family life apart and the cracks are now coming through. Perhaps they have realised I was fucked so kept a lid on it all this time and now it is all coming out. I am sat in the kitchen crying, they are all off relaxing after school and I have failed them. Please tell me things aren't completely ruined for my dc's? I feel so desperate.

[EstrellaDamn]

OP, I've just read the full thread and want to tell you that I think you're fab.

You've created such a lovely family home for your children that they just want to spend more time in it. If that doesn't tell you that you're doing things right, I don't know what does.

[mooncuplanding]

I took the dc's out for tea and we just spent some time talking, the 4 of us.

I haven't had it quite as bad as you but did have to leave abusive ex and have 2 dcs.

This sentence in your post struck a chord with me. Throughout all of this (8 years now) doing that (eating together) has saved us and kept us strong. I make sure we have dinner together every night - no TV, no phones, just conversation (sometimes none!)

I know it sounds so simple and ineffective, but genuinely I look back at the last years and know that hour of the day kept us together, talking and 'normal'. I work f/t too but I don't care if its 9pm by the time I am finished work, we still eat together every night. The difference it makes is huge. It kept us together and human and we are all 'checked-in' on. And no conversation is out of bounds.

You are doing amazing, your kids aren't failing, they are just being normal. There is plenty of time to pull it back for GCSE anyway! Keep on :-)

[FlagFish]

OP you are amazing! I hope things turn out really well for you and your kids. Without question, you were right to leave.

[yolofish]

I cant give you any advice, but I think you sound like an amazing, strong and brave woman and an incredible mum.

[youaremyrain]

@Readytorewind have you heard of "Developmental Trauma"?

It's common in children who have experienced domestic violence, it can be overcome https://beaconhouse.org.uk/developmental-trauma/the-repair-of-early-trauma-a-bottom-up-approach/

The National Association of Therapeutic Parents has many birth parents with DV backgrounds as members https://www.naotp.com/

You have 100% done the right thing, and you are doing really well!

[BIgBagofJelly]

I think you've just had a rough week. The problems you're describing are just the regular ups and downs of having kids. It's difficult when it all comes at once but none of it is terrible.

You've rescued your children from a dire situation and possibly saved them from mimicking that abusive relationship as adults. That's amazing. Some SATs and mock gcse exams don't even come close to comparing to that.

[DocusDiplo]

Hey OP, your family sounds lovely and cool and normal! Well done for being awesome!!!

For GCSEs , bit of gentle revision for the actual ones, and that's it. Lots of 7 yr olds are difficult! You are awesome!!! Its all OK. Chill out and be proud :) We all have challenges

[WhentheRabbitsWentWild]

Bless You

You done the RIGHT thing OP . He bit a chunk of skin off your shoulder ? WTF . As for forcing you to have sex well, you sound an intelligent woman, so you know what that was, right ?
Well Done for leaving and staying left .

[accendo]

In my eyes you are a hero! You rescued your kids from a abusive monster.

[froggy1811]

Hi OP,

Omg! You've been through the mill and back, and you DEFINITELY did the right thing in breaking away from this abusive bastard!

Your DC are bound to bear some of the brunt and the upheaval of family break up usually results in some problems for the children, (my SIL is going through this right now,) BUT let me just put this forward - if you feel the children are traumatised now, you could quadruple that impact, had you stayed in the relationship! Just imagine how witnessing their mother being used as a human punch bag would have ultimately affected them!

You are extremely brave, and you did the correct and responsible thing. One day when your DC's are older you can talk to them about this in depth, and they will respect you for the choice that you made.

Please don't feel like a failure - because you're the opposite! And you've (perhaps unwittingly) taught your children that domestic violence can NOT and SHOULD not be tolerated...

I apologise for using capitals to make my points, but I feel very strongly about your post, and I believe you have done amazingly for a lady who was victim to this kind of abuse; when so many find no way out.

Your DC are just going through similar issues to any children of divorce, and I suspect it will all come good in the long run.

Much love to you OP.

[learieonthewildmoor]

Readytorewind: when your ex's words are making you feel helpless and overwhelmed, remember that's how he wanted you to feel. He wanted you to stay and be his victim, he wanted power over you.

All those difficulties you and your children went through are the reasons women are afraid to leave abusive partners. You fought through that, and more power to you. You rescued yourself and your children from a hellish, abnormal situation.

Now, your children can live normal lives, where they stuff up and muck around and are annoying and difficult. It's a triumph that they are behaving so normally!
Best of luck as you navigate the next stage in dealing with your ex. Maybe your younger ones would be happy with day trips with their dad, rather than over nights. I don't know if that is easier to negotiate?

[Tavannach]

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. It would have been toxic for the children if you'd stayed.
As far as school goes focus on the elder DS. Would promising a reward if he does well help? Get as much help from the school as you can about encouraging him to work. Maybe talk to his head of year.
DS2 has been increasingly vocal about not wanting to go to his df's anymore. I think I need to look at this again but I am overwhelmed by the thought of CAFCASS, court and mediation etc. The process is so emotionally complex that I need to make sure that we are all ready for it. Plus I have to look at finances. I know I need to revisit it.
Yes, I agree that you do. Your younger DS is telling you he's unhappy and it's being reflected in his schoolwork. His teacher has picked up that there's some kind of problem at home. It's possibly the reason your DD is acting up as well.

[LucyBabs]

You're amazing op
My father was abusive, I went to bed every night wishing my Mam would kick him out or that he'd dissappear die
I believe your children will thank you for leaving and building a better life

[user1473878824]

You have NOT fucked anything up and you have done the best thing for your family. Even if this is them feeling a bit shaky now it is still far better than growing up with the piece of shit that is your ex who would have done them so much damage. OP, you are amazing and you have done a brilliant thing for all of you.

[Strawberrysareyellow]

Op, you’re doing your best and have achieved a lot whilst dealing with your past abuse. You will almost definitely be suffering from PTSD after what you described. So take that into account. It was incredibly brave to take your kids a leave your abuser. Well done.

I am in a similar situation myself and have days where I feel I could or should do more. I left an abusive man and have been trying to build a new life for myself and my DC whilst dealing with all the mental and emotional trauma of having dealt with abuse as well as everything else. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but i know it’s totally worth it. My DC are better off out of an abusive home. And so are yours.

[MitziK]

The whole point of mocks is to give them a go at fucking them up. It gives them a chance to freak out at having to be silent, away from their phones and working at a single desk for an hour plus, to be a prat and get removed, to fail to read the questions or to not bother revising. The kick up the arse getting a level 2 gives tends to focus their minds into actually working and taking advantage of the multitude of intervention support sessions that will be on offer.

The other DC, well, they're young. They can't be perfect all the time.


Be easier on yourself. You have achieved so much, don't regret it for an instant.

[MonsterTequila]

OP I wish that all women had your strength!
The issues you mention are completely normal:
Some kids are chatty
Some don’t revise enough
Some procrastinate & leave revising until the last minute
Some don’t do well in exams
I’m not saying give up on these things, quite the opposite! But from an objective perspective they’re minor issues. Just seems a lot bigger because they’ve all happened at once, Sod’s law.

[givemesteel]

The one person that is providing stability and love in their lives is you, you're their rock, their anchor. So therefore you had to protect yourself as well as them as without you they'd have no one.

They will be OK because they've got a strong, smart mum who's got her head screwed on and has managed to provide a decent life for them against huge adversity.

Be proud of them and yourself.

[AhhhHereItGoes]

They feel safe and secure with you OP which is why they can test their boundaries. It may be now they have a stable home they miss home at school and therefore find it hard to concentrate.

I got a lot worse scores on my mocks than my actual GCSEs in fact I got a D in a subject I eventually got a B in and a C in a subject I eventually got anA in. Sometimes seeing you didn't do hard enough pushes you to try harder.

I'd listen to DS2 as he may not feel comfortable with his father (can't bring myself to write DF as he certainly isn't).

It's unfortunate it all happened at once but you know what they say - it never rains then it pours.

You did the right thing in leaving. You likely saved your life, you prevented the children witnessing any more distressing things, you showed them how to be brave and leave a situation that's hurting you and you've shown them that they are your number one priority. If that's not an excellent Mum, I don't know what is. 💐

[Impartialerror]

Readytorewind

Have your children had any form of counselling?

Watch this programme on **Behind Closed Doors: Through the Eyes of the Child. It's heart breaking but very informative.

[Dragongirl10]

I second all the posters who say you are doing incredibly well in horrible circumstances, it sounds to me that now you are finally in a secure home and job the past stresses have caught up, you sound like you are running on empty.......
Look at it this way

1. you are safe and away from him, no more damage to you or Dcs
   
2. you have a secure job and your own home
   These things are the bedrock to your life, all the other issues are surmountable.
   You dcs playing up in various ways is quite possibly nothing to do with leaving, those issues happen all the time in all sorts of families.
   
   Lastly you had no option but to leave, it couldn't possibly be a mistake under any circumstances.
   Be forgiving to yourself, shower your dcs with love, and try and talk to each about the issues going on or get some outside counselling.
   You need to look after you first...so that you can be strong for them...be kind to yourself.

[jay55]

Kids with stable backgrounds fail exams and mess about in school.

You've done amazingly to push through and get where you are.

GCSEs can be retaken or alternate paths can be forged.
Keep doing what you're doing.

[Ella1980]

I know how you feel about not wishing for Cafcass to get involved. They let me down big time but I'm sure other people must have more positive experiences of them. Stay strong, you've done brilliantly 😊

[FloofyDoof]

I remember feeling like this myself at times when my DC (now young adults) were younger. Similarly left an abusive relationship with their father, had to move around a bit to get us set up permanently, including spending some time in a refuge. A few years after we were settled they both had a brief period of being a little more difficult than usual, DS went through a few weeks of intermittently refusing school and started getting really argumentative (which is so not him) around the time of his mocks, and DD was becoming quite anxious and Sunday nights/Monday mornings were a nightmare in our house, and I was blaming myself for it all.

I had a conversation with the lovely head of pastoral care at my DS's school, when trying to sort out how best to help them, and she told me that the fact that they felt OK enough to play up a bit was because they felt settled and relaxed in their lives and it was good that they felt comfortable to do that. DS had some counselling sessions arranged by a local youth counselling and support charity as he didn't want to do it through the school, and DD had a few sessions arranged through the school nurse service. That and some new routines, and plenty of encouragement, along with the odd telling off when needed and they were back on track in no time. I would have a chat with pastoral care at their schools, they will be able to help, or help you to access help elsewhere. That is what they are there for.

You should be proud of yourself for getting yourself and your children out of that situation, and set up in a home, it's not easy. Plus getting through the court case and doing a Masters too! That's pretty amazing.