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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 06/02/2019 19:21

But why does the OP have to watch what she says around him? Be careful of not letting anything slip? Tell all other friends and family to keep it a secret? Block him on Facebook so he doesn’t see what other people post? It’s jisy ridiculous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2019 19:23

Boomboom
Op is deliberately buying food to put in the bin. People don’t generally do this with parties.

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/02/2019 19:25

Your baby, your rules....dont pander

GreenTulips · 06/02/2019 19:27

Why on earth you pander to his attention seeking behaviour?

I think it’s OP who’s attention seeking.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/02/2019 19:29

The thing that jumped out at me from your post was how much you are enabling this man’s crazy - I’dhave just let him find out via a third party or said “okay don’t come to the party but it’s a girl” 😁

Why did you feel you couldn’t do this?

Kennehora · 06/02/2019 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joanmcc · 06/02/2019 19:32

Lol, gender reveal party.

Tell your dad it's his own fault for apparently starving you of attention as a child.

Mummyshark2019 · 06/02/2019 19:34

Finding it hard to understand why he'd care so much. I can't imagine being that invested in the sex of a friend's baby. Just odd. You did the right thing and he's a tad bit strange.

Ellieboolou27 · 06/02/2019 19:37

My dad didn’t want to know the SEX of my baby when I found out, I told him, he said it’s unlucky and would have rather I hadn’t told him, I lost my baby, stillborn. He is old fashioned and doesn’t believe in finding out. Two babies later and I didn’t find out until they were botm healthy and alive. It’s more special when it’s kept until the birth. IMO

cordeliavorkosigan · 06/02/2019 19:38

Your DF is being really over the top about it. It is Not. His. Baby. !!
And if you want to have family over for dinner and tell them the gender of your baby, no one here can really tell you not to -- they're happy for you, that's all good. (and anyway you did it already so it is irrelevant whether pp or I would have a 'gender reveal party')
You dad's being completely bizarre. Suggest you don't ask people to pander to it. Personally I'd go as far as not directly telling him myself, but no farther.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 06/02/2019 19:38

One of my favourite phrases when mine were younger was “you got the chance to do things your way when you had your babies and that was lovely. Now it’s our turn to do choose how we want to do to things with ours” 🙂

Congratulations on your much longed for baby OP Thanks

tata4now · 06/02/2019 19:40

Some people are so nasty. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I don't think yabu. I hope you and your family enjoyed the gender reveal get together xx

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 19:42

Baby shower, gender reveal, cake smash, bet it’s all on Facebook too?

Kintan · 06/02/2019 19:42

Just let it slip into conversation. He might be a bit miffed, but he'll get over it, and your other friends and family wont have to tiptoe round him!

HalfBloodPrincess · 06/02/2019 19:42

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill a bit.

I know the sex of my baby - I’m impatient and when offered the choice I chose to find out. dh doesn’t want to know so he stuck his fingers in his ears and turned around.
Been really easy to keep it from him, no one else knows but me, and he’ll get the surprise but a few months later than I did.
Just don’t tell your dad.

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/02/2019 19:44

My DGC just been born a month ago and both my Ddil and ds didn't want to know. I was so pleased they didn't. Can't be doing with all this pretencious shite like baby showers and gender reveals either. Is the joy of a new life not exciting enough these days.

Lofari · 06/02/2019 19:45

Christ on a bike there are some judgy fuckers on here tonight!
OP i had issues concieving my second too so i know the feeling of sheer elation you feel. If you want to run around sprinkling glitter and shouting down a megaphone whether its a girl or a boy i say you crack right on.
Bloody buzzkills

anniehm · 06/02/2019 19:47

Your father is being unreasonable but the whole gender reveal thing is so over the top, and then there's the now ubiquitous baby shower - when will people realise that whilst we are happy for you, it's so grabby expecting people to attend and bring gifts. Can't we return to the days (not so long ago) where your close friends nip by after you have your baby to meet the new arrival, bearing a gift if you are lucky. Don't get me on babymoons! The world is now officially crazy.

BlancheM · 06/02/2019 19:49

He's being a controlling weirdo. Seriously- what is his problem? If he didn't want to know the sex of his own kids, fine. But he's had his time, how does how you celebrate your pregnancy impact on his life so much? I'd have been tempted to get a megaphone to boom, 'you've got a grandson/granddaughter on the way, congrats dad!!' right in his drama queen face after the carry-on the first time round.

MysweetAudrina · 06/02/2019 19:51

I had a gender reveal party with all of my children. It was called birth. I had them and their sex was revealed and I told people and we celebrated.

I can understand people who find out the sex of their baby before they are born but I think celebrating the baby's sex in the absence of the actual baby is a bit disjointed. Surely the baby regardless of sex is what is worth celebrating.

Anyway would it not have been pretty obvious that you were having a baby of the sex that there was none off or else you wouldn't have bothered with the whole reveal thing.

7salmonswimming · 06/02/2019 19:52

Gender reveal, baby shower, cake smash, photos on FB.....and posting about it on MN. You’re basically publicly moaning that your dad isn’t letting you have the uninterrupted, unsullied limelight you think you deserve for having got pregnant, given birth and raised a child for a year.

Bit rich, no?

Original poster
Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 19:54

@GreatDuckCookery
Yes it is, pictures, video and even a live. You ok babe? You seem really upset by a stranger’s choices. Want to Pm me Hun? 🙄

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 19:56

Maybe it's good to find out from strangers on the internet that most people don't like sex reveal parties. Just a text or phone call will do if you want to tell certain people.

Most people would be too polite in real life to say they don't want to attend so you just end up with a load of guests humouring you. Same with the cake smash thing. No-one's really interested except the parents and possibly grandparents who will think it's cute.

Mayrhofen · 06/02/2019 19:57

I think it’s a generation thing. When I was having mine (I’m 52 for context) you could only just find out and that was with my second. I actually wouldn’t want to know even now, I think the surprise on the day is wonderful BUT I accept that the tradition if you can call it is that now people do find out or as I see it, spoil the surprise.

You have every right to find out but he had every right to prefer to not be informed.

He will have to block his ears if anything is mentioned, but I kind of get him. Leave him be and stop getting your knickers in a twist if he doesn’t want to hear, equally you can’t be responsible if he hears from someone else.

PS gender reveal party? Noooooooooooo stop.

Worriedmummybekind · 06/02/2019 19:58

Your dad is being totally controlling and weird. He gets no say in this. It’s just bizarre.

Beside the point but I genuinely love a gender reveal cake and a nice dinner with friends. Being part of the first group finding out is lovely. I actually like my friends so don’t generally get annoyed by spending an evening with them hearing good news. I think the naysayers will all be extinct in a few years. Any excuse to cheer ourselves up after the Brexit/austerity/queue for bread era starts!