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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 06/02/2019 17:42

My DF didn't want to know the SEX of any of his grandchildren. We respected his wishes and for the babies we knew the SEX of beforehand, we didn't tell him.
I'm with the 'gender reveal' parties are meh brigade. I just don't see the point. I found out the sex of my grandchild about 10 minutes after he was born via a lovely photo of him with my DD.

Fraying · 06/02/2019 17:45

Of course it's his decision whether he knows or not. Just as it was your decision to find out and then announce it with a party.
I don't understand why everyone is acting like it's a hugely stressful situation to not mention a baby's sex in front of one person.
Enjoy your pregnancy and try to stop getting worked up about nonsense.

MilkybarsROnMe · 06/02/2019 17:46

Gender reveal? What a load of shite lol. I think you’ve got a little bit caught up with all the drama, second baby honestly no one cares!!!! They were only humouring you the first time! If your dad doesn’t want to know just don’t tell him.

Did you post a slow motion video of you popping a balloon and looking all surprised on social media? I do hope so.

anotherwearytraveller · 06/02/2019 17:46

Congrats on your pregnancy. Lovely for you.

Sex reveal party is still a bit unecessary but each to their own.
Don’t know why you entertained him last time. Just tell him you know, you are telling everyone else so up to him if he wants to hide in a cupboard for six months but he should get over himself and it’s up to him to avoid the news if he chooses.

He sounds a complete diva

But then he is from a family who do sex reveal parties......

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 17:47

Strokethefurrywall had a gender reveal yourself I bet.

Kennehora · 06/02/2019 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walnutwhipster · 06/02/2019 17:50

No one cares about the sex of a baby, especially a second one. Reveals and showers are equally awful.

budgetneeded · 06/02/2019 17:52

I think the OP’s being the drama queen. No one cares what sex your baby is (unless there is a family hx of sex linked genetic illness). All your friends and family mentioning something on fb are just being polite.
End the drama.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 17:53

Nope.

I just get immensely irritated by posters who just have to keep the digs coming in an effort to let the OP know just how pathetic and grabby and trashy she is to have had a "gender reveal" party in the first place. It's such sneering snobbery and this thread just stinks of it.

It's all so Mean Girls. The OP's question was about her dad's over the top and unreasonable reaction to not knowing the sex of her baby, not whether she was right to have a "gender reveal" party.

Mishappening · 06/02/2019 17:53

What a silly man - your choice, not his - and you should not feel obliged to enter into an subterfuge (or invite others to do so) just to appease him. Just do what you want - don't even mention the subject to him. If he finds out then he finds out and he will have to bear the awful suffering. Grin

Kennehora · 06/02/2019 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boom76 · 06/02/2019 17:58

Just because you don’t like something doesn’t make it naff, . I hate the sneering on this site but as it’s an ‘americanism’ then I suppose it’s fair game Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 17:59

Give over with the mean girls crap. I’d say it to someone in person.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 18:05

Given the first half of the OP's opening post, I'd say the issue started long before she and her DH decided to have a party for their second child...

Any person who tells an expectant parent to keep the sex of their child a secret from them and then makes life fucking difficult is unreasonable.

I guarantee if the OP hadn't even mentioned a "gender reveal" party, the responses on this thread would have been far more sympathetic to her original plight which is that her dad is being a massive pain the arse. And they would have been kinder.

But some posters get so blindsided when they see the words gender reveal party/baby shower/[insert other perceived Americanism here] that they just can't stop themselves commenting on that instead with as much bile as they can muster.

Barbarafromblackpool · 06/02/2019 18:07

Agree with just texting him and having done.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 06/02/2019 18:08

Boom76 no it doesn’t. You can dislike something because it goes against your beliefs, because it’s in poor taste or loads of reasons.

This one is naff. Not offensive but pointless.

GnomeDePlume · 06/02/2019 18:10

When we were expecting each of our DCs DMiL would never look at any scan pictures. She was happy for us but I think was worried that getting too connected was tempting fate (there were reasons for this). We didnt force the issue.

Bluelady · 06/02/2019 18:11

It really isn't hard not to tell people. We didn't want to know before the birth with our grandchild, the parents didn't seem to find it particularly stressful not to tell us. It's not pandering or kowtowing, it's simply respecting someone else's choice.

Harleyband · 06/02/2019 18:12

The decision to find out the sex of your baby prior to birth is yours to make and yours alone. If he doesn't want to find out, don't tell him but, equally, don't bend over backwards to stop other people telling him- that's his responsibility.
To all those who wonder why you'd want to find out before birth, spare a thought for those of us who carry serious X-linked traits and really need to know if we might have an affected male child.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 18:14

Give over with the mean girls crap. I’d say it to someone in person.

Well bravo. But that's not the point.

It's the consistent sticking the boot in, one poster after the other, to let the OP know just how terribly gauche/trashy/grabby she is that makes it feel very much like the playground. Would you do that to a friend who said she was going to have a family get together to announce the sex of her baby? Tell her she was trashy and that it's fucking naff and nobody likes them? You'd say that to someone you cared about? Because I'd hazard a guess that you'd censor yourself slightly or make your excuses and not attend. Not continually tell her how pathetic she is. Which is what posters on this thread are doing.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2019 18:16

Kicking the boot in? Everyone that joins the thread is allowed to say what they think.

Are you going for teachers pet or something?

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 18:16

Just out of interest, what do people do at these parties after the sex is revealed? Obviously they smile, cheer, clap or whatever when they are told.

Presumably they have the same reaction whichever sex is revealed so there will be no-one saying oh dear, poor you or anything like that.

So they all what? Just go on home? What is the point?

FrancisCrawford · 06/02/2019 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoyDora · 06/02/2019 18:17

Just tell him Confused

Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 18:21

Yes and those posters will say it over and over and over again. That's sticking the boot in.

Meh, I'm quite happy being the only person that sticks up for someone, even if I'm on my own.

If that makes me teachers pet, I'm guessing that makes you Queen Bee...