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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at my DF over my gender reveal

282 replies

Denise3011 · 06/02/2019 16:37

I have a child and when my husband & I Were expecting we found out the sex.
However at the time my DF was very opinionated & instead of saying “I’d rather you didn’t find out, but it’s your choice”
He called us silly etc for being unable to wait for a surprise and said there was no reason to know and it was wrong etc. He went on to say he categorically did not want to know before the birth and we were not to tell him.
We live very close and this led us to having a very stressful few months as we did find out (as we wanted to) and then had to try and hide it from him, lie to other family that we didn’t know and ask the few people we did tell (my mum, best friend etc) to keep the secret.
But we did it and he got his way and he knew the day our DC was born.
Fast forward a few years & I’m expecting again.
I said from the start that we were finding out this time and that I wanted a little dinner to celebrate the news with family.
second baby has been a long time coming!
Again DF said he didn’t want to know but I was firmer this time & said we were finding out & making it public.
I thought he would just accept that we respected his decision the first time, but this time we were doing what suited us.
Instead he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position.
I’ve since had to block him on social media because I’ve friends abroad who posted congrats etc.
AIBU to be really mad that once again he’s put his personal preference as priority regardless of our choice or how difficult it would make it for everyone else?

I should add he found out only a week later because a friend slipped up.
Now she feels awful, he’s not happy he knows and I’m left feeling angry that he made such a fuss over a decision that was not his to make.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 17:15

God there are a massive bunch of wankers on this thread...

still super naff...

Nope still pretentious

Fucking hell, this place is a shower of cunts at the moment. Oh look there's something I consider to be beneath me. Let's just drive the message home to the OP that she's pathetic....

themoomoo · 06/02/2019 17:16

i wouldn't go to a gender reveal party. Bloody awful attention seeking bollox

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 06/02/2019 17:16

YABU. He’s not being horrible about you being pregnant or anything , it’s because you are making a massive fuss about the sex before it’s even born.
If he doesn’t want to know that’s fair enough. Why would it even matter? He will love the baby regardless.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 06/02/2019 17:17

I'm also assuming it will be the only one of its generation to be that sex so you enjoyed the limelight

WhoAmIToTellYou · 06/02/2019 17:17

Regardless of what i think of gender reveal parties...
Why on earth you pander to his attention seeking behaviour? Your inconvenience trying to hide it greatly outweighs his inconvenience of knowing. Honestly, it is his way making it all about HIM. How pathetic that instead of bring happy he chooses this silly game. Just don’t play it, sod him.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/02/2019 17:17

i wouldn't go to a gender reveal party. Bloody awful attention seeking bollox

Here's your gold star Star

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 17:17

he refused to come to the ‘reveal party’ which led to me having to ask all family not to tell him & apologise for putting them all in that position

No, it did not lead to that. You could have just got on with it without making this big drama.

Patroclus · 06/02/2019 17:17

Does he feel powerless because he isnt the centre of attention with his daughter anymore? not your problem, time for him to grow up.

recrudescence · 06/02/2019 17:18

Well, it’s only going to be a surprise once so why your father can’t just be surprised at your party instead of waiting for you to actually give birth, I don’t know. I think he’s being a bit of an arse tbh.

Andtheskyisgrey · 06/02/2019 17:20

P.s it’s sex

I came to say the same thing. People seem to be scared of using sex in this context, no idea why, I assume prudishness!

themoomoo · 06/02/2019 17:20

thank you furrywall

diddl · 06/02/2019 17:22

If he didn't want to know-why would he go to a gendetr reveal party?

I think it's odd that you think he would have done that.

That said, I agree with others that you can't police everyone on his behalf.

Shame that he now knows, but difficult to avoid finding out if the couple don't keep it to themselves would have thought.

Soubriquet · 06/02/2019 17:22

Who cares if they don’t like gender reveal parties?

You either go or you don’t go. Simple as that. Your choice. She isn’t forcing you to

Your father however is a big drama queen. I would be telling him to get over himself to be honest.

It isn’t his baby, so he doesn’t get a say about anything

Kylieemilyj · 06/02/2019 17:22

I get this from both sides, but your father is being unreasonable to say you shouldnt find out at all, its your choice and if everyone else wants to know then so be it, however keeping it a secret from him is a good idea if he so wishes not to know then dont tell him, but if someone slips up then he has to understand it was accidental!

My MIL didnt want to know the gender of our baby, and therefore we have done everything we can not to tell her or for her to find out but the rest of the family and all our friends know its a boy and know not to tell her (although i may have slipped up and said 'He' when talking about him the other day... opps! it was an accident) I know its so hard not to slip up and refer to the baby as he or she when talking about him/her

AWishForWingsThatWork · 06/02/2019 17:23

Your dad's being an arse. It's not his baby, it's not his surprise, and he doesn't get to decide for you if people should or shouldn't be told the gender before baby is born. No one should have been bending over backwards to accommodate him on this ... only parents-to-be get to have that done.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/02/2019 17:23

'Gender reveal' grates on me too; not least because parents whose only worry at 20 weeks is the sex of their child don't know how lucky (or naive) they are. It's not an anatomy scan, it's an anomaly scan. And it has that name for a reason.

For me it was a terrifying prospect. And doubtless it's me who is B.U. through envy of people who go through pregnancy without the blight of TMI. I'd lost 5 babies, including DS's twin, before his birth and we were so relieved nothing was found wrong with him that it never even occurred to us to ask about the sex. Apparently that's not an uncommon attitude among mothers in my position.

It's natural that people want to revel in their pregnancies and I accept it's me who is the sourpuss here. But there's no denying it: to see this stuff treated so frivolously makes my hackles rise. And on a petty but related point - it's not 'gender' reveal (good lord, it sounds as if an attendee is about to expose themselves for the general titillation of the gathering) - it's sex. They're entirely different things; another good reason to give these irritating parties a very wide berth!

NeverTwerkNaked · 06/02/2019 17:25

Gender is a sociological construct. You are “revealing” the biological sex.
And there’s is no guarantee anyway till baby pops out.

That said, your father is being pretty over dramatic about the whole thing

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 06/02/2019 17:27

It's like match of the day. If you don't want to know the result, look away now.

PinaColada1 · 06/02/2019 17:29

I think your mistake was thinking that you needed to be responsible for making sure he didn’t find out. He didn’t ask you. If someone told him, that’s not your fault.

This is a lot of drama over nothing. He loves you. You love him. Your baby is growing healthily.

londonrach · 06/02/2019 17:29

Ive never heard of anyone in uk doing gender reveal party so take it you american. He doesnt have to attend the party. Invite not summons.

ChocolateCard · 06/02/2019 17:30

If, as you say, this second baby has been a long time coming, then you clearly have some idea of how precarious pregnancy can be.

You’ve just celebrated something that hasn’t happened yet, surely?

At least 3 or 4 months to go yet Confused

User383673 · 06/02/2019 17:31

He’s being an arsehole - and posters should be able to recognise that even if they themselves don’t like gender reveal parties Hmm

racheylee · 06/02/2019 17:31

He sounds really strange and like he’s being difficult for the sake of it. Does he enjoy being the centre of attention in other ways?

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 06/02/2019 17:35

Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy.

I think you are both being a bit over dramatic though. You know your father has a deep seated dislike of knowing the gender in advance yet you still expect him to play along with your 'reveal party'. I find it a very strange thing to make a public declaration about. The whole idea makes me feel very queasy tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2019 17:42

I hate the term gender reveal. When I read it I always think people are coming out as trans or something. Get together to reveal the biological sex far better.

Your father sounds like a drama queen. You really shouldn’t have cow towed to him like this. He’s making himself out to be very important when he had bugger all to do with the process...

Time for him to step aside and treat you like an adult and equal. Ignore the drama. If he even wants to pull the respecting wishes card, you have been more than fair. You respected his wishes last time and yours this time. If you have a third, he can emigrate for 9 months if that works for him. Otherwise he will have to put up and shut up.