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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DH?

133 replies

SSDGM · 06/02/2019 10:18

I'm (supposed) to be going to Oz at the weekend. my DH has a few nights work there on a cruise ship so we are extending the trip beforehand. I couldnt get on the same flight as him so I will be travelling there alone.
Because we will be on a ship we need a specific add on to the usual Electronic visa which has to be applied for first. On monday I was working away from home so I asked him to complete my part of the visa as I am considered his companion. His came back as approved straight away but mine didnt. Turns out he ballsed it up. Under the section specifically asking if I've been known as any other names including before marriage he said no. He also said I was unemployed because he "couldnt remember" what my job title was and who I worked for. All info that needs to match when I finally apply for my ETA.
3 days later its still not approved and I fly on on Sunday.
Apparently is is my fault for asking him to do it because he's "not good at forms" (he managed to do his own) and I'm U because I'm worried that I now wont be able to go and I'm angry with him. He also says its his employers fault as they didnt tell us until Monday to get these visas. Again, his was approved straight away.

I've just spent £40 on the phone to Oz immigration to be told I have to wait and it could take a week. I stand to lose all the money I've paid for the flight and no holiday I had to book leave for.
Of course, I could get an email by the morning saying it's been approved.
I understand this is very much first world problems but surely he needs to take some responsibilty for this?

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/02/2019 10:10

"and he wants me to stop being angry with him because there's nothing we can do about it now"

Yep, this doesn't surprise me. He wilfully fucked up, got caught, and thought you'd be annoyed for a bit and then just "fix it" yourself in some magical Woman way with a resigned sigh and his dinner on the table.
He's now a bit annoyed that he is still getting consequences and wants to be let off now please because "I said sorry".

Original poster
SSDGM · 08/02/2019 05:54

I took back my comment about the only child thing. It’s as if I’m angry with him and saying thoughtless things about him because of it. But still, Ok.

Still nothing. I have until Saturday afternoon Aus time to get an answer, pretty much the time I’m due to check in for the first leg of my flight. All I can do is pack my case and hope it’s approved by the time I’m up on Saturday. If not, I’m staying at home.

There’s no proof that him cocking the details up has held up the visa but there’s no proof that it hasn’t either. It could be I’m just unlucky.

OP posts:
HomoHeinekenensis · 08/02/2019 06:04

I would be assuming he didn't want me there and take that into account with my future decisions regarding him.

emzw12 · 08/02/2019 06:38

Moral of the story - if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself!

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 06:45

I don’t think he wants you to go op.

The fact he totally ballsed up a very simple form claiming he didn’t know basic information, he isn’t bothered’ that you can’t go and was quick to offer a refund indicates that he is completely indifferent.

If he is going with collaegues how would you fit into that anyway?
Did he ever want you there, they might be seeing this as a jolly no? Minus family and other halves.

I would accept the refund, and book an amazing trip with friends. I wouldn’t be quick to forgive him for this, and it would be an indication to me that all is not well with my marriage. I would so furious.

givemesteel · 08/02/2019 06:45

I would be saying to him if you don't get this sorted out and you go on this holiday without me you won't have a relationship to come back to and you'll find all your stuff in boxes in the front garden when you're back.

There is no way I would accept him fucking up my form in such a careless way then still going on the holiday himself.

Maybe if he has to front the whole cost of the holiday and not even go then he might give more of a shit.

He should be ringing the relevant office a few times a day to beg them to sort it out.

Instead he doesn't actually give a shit whether you're there or not.

Honestly that's all the info you need not to stay in this relationship, he doesn't care about your feelings/despair/panic, he doesn't care whether he spends two weeks of a/l without you (coz his two mates are there so hes alright, Jack), he won't even deeply apologise / grovel and hassle the relevant office to try and get it through.

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 06:46

After all he was entirely capable filling out his own without a hitch.

JenniferJareau · 08/02/2019 06:49

Mate, he doesn't want you there & he's not sorry

This ^^

Unless he is completely thick, no way can he not realise how important it is to include the correct information on a visa application.

RhiWrites · 08/02/2019 06:51

It’s a pretty depressing thought that you can’t trust your own husband to know your job or your fucking name.

Even if you get to go, OP, it doesn’t male it okay. And I feel this dickhead will be saying “see, I told you it would be fine”.

It would take me a long time to get over this and I couldn’t ever forget it. It’s just so enraging. Is he lazy or stupid or thoughtless or uncaring or all of the above?

Notwiththeseknees · 08/02/2019 06:58

You will make sure you 'help him pack' won't you? What do they wear on cruises these days? I'd be packing his gardening clothes, odd socks, holey thick jumpers, couple of buttons loosened on every shirt and then I'd report his credit cards stolen after his flight left!

Ruru8thestars · 08/02/2019 07:26

what a nightmare

Juells · 08/02/2019 07:29

I can be really dozy, but I'd know to phone someone to check details.

From bitter bitter experience 😰 nowadays I'd be quite suspicious of a fuck-up like that. All sorts of strange, unbelievable mistakes that either prevented or made it difficult for him or me to go somewhere turned out to be quite deliberate, as my ex had other plans 😰 Looking back, I can't believe the tall tales I swallowed 😰

Aridane · 08/02/2019 09:31

So from your last post you don’t know whether the form errors have caused delay or you’ Just one of those ransoms not auto approved?

Aridane · 08/02/2019 09:33

So he has - finally- apologises and is giving you back the money. What more do you want? (Genuine non snarky question)

Juells · 08/02/2019 09:44

So he has - finally- apologises and is giving you back the money. What more do you want?

Why would anyone be happy about being given back the money for a holiday they wanted to take? I don't think it's as simple as you're making out. How does the OP's husband not know the details that were asked? I could still, years later, provide my ex's d.o.b., place of birth, mother's maiden name, if required. Why would he have said No to her having a different name before marriage? How come he 'doesn't know' where she works, and put her down as unemployed instead of simply texting her?

There's fucking up, and then there's fucking-up-on-purpose, and I know which one I think it was.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 10:03

Agreed- hence asking what more OP wanted (it wasn’t a rhetorical question).

Butterymuffin · 08/02/2019 10:27

I would accept the offer of him paying you back the money, decide now you're not going because who wants that uncertainty, and book something else for yourself as a trip. And obviously the 'refund' should come from his personal money, not joint funds.

Belenus · 08/02/2019 12:16

Moral of the story - if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself!

That just encourages strategic incompetence though.

I sometimes travel with my brother, because our parents live in another country from us. Generally one or other of us will book the flights. if there's any other information that needs filling in, generally we just know it. If we don't or we're not sure, we just message each other to check. This is what normal, competent adults do.

And my first thought was "OK, why does the DH not want the OP there?" Because this is a whole new level of fuckwittery. Sorry OP, fingers crossed you can get it sorted.

Funnyface1 · 08/02/2019 12:42

From an outside perspective it seems really obvious that he doesn't want you to go. He's intelligent, travels often and has had no trouble completing more complicated forms. There's no real way he's messed this up by accident, it doesn't add up at all.

Whisky2014 · 08/02/2019 15:16

It's frustratingly obvious to us he likely did this on purpose. I understand why the op doesnt want to believe it though as it will open a bigger can of worms.
This guy doesn't give a shit. Thinks as long as it's covere and paid for somehow then it's no loss. No actual empathy, sympathy or frustration from his part that his wife can't join him.
Doesn't know if you had a previous name and marked you as unemployed. Yeh ok.
He filled out a form for Chinese visa you say..managed that ok. Bet he didn't mark himself as unemployed did he? Bet he filled out all of his details correctly. What an arse.

Costacoffeeplease · 08/02/2019 15:29

Still not sorted op?

Original poster
SSDGM · 09/02/2019 17:05

Hi all.

Visa finally came through at 9pm last night, 11 hours before I was due to depart!
I’ve arrived at my first stop and have treated myself to an upgrade on the flight from here to Oz tomorrow from the joint savings and not a single fuck is given :)

Thank you to all who replied, even those I pissed off with the only child comment.

He was over the moon when I got the email, btw. 😉

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 09/02/2019 17:11

Was he by jove?

Ok cool have a good time.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 17:11

YANBU if he thought he couldn't fill out a simple form he should've just said no he can't manage it.

Topseyt · 09/02/2019 17:50

I'm glad it came through. Have a great time.