NICU staff being judgemental.

[NicuProblem]

I'm in tears. Requested my baby's medical notes after a prem birth. Found a part where apparently they started a visiting log as they felt we didn't stay on the ward long enough, that I wasn't talkative enough and that my husband "rarely visited".

I don't drive and have an older child with disabilities. My husband works and at that time was working night shifts. They KNEW this.

I feel distraught by this notion that at my most vulnerable when I was trying my best I was judged as somehow not good enough.

[TwoGinScentedTears]

Hey op. You've really been through the mill, haven't you?

Do you have access to any counselling or even an IRL friend that can help you to process all this?

I wouldn't make any decisions about anything until you've had chance to settle a bit. To just breathe and live. Because it sounds like that you haven't had chance to yet.

Whatever you decide (about pursuing things) I wish you luck and happiness.

[Mummylife2018]

Your husband visited his premature child in the Neonatal intensive care unit ONCE A WEEK???? Wow. That is worrying. I can see why they were concerned

[Findingthingstough18]

mummylife you have the special distinction of not only being a dick, but a dick who's really, really late to this thread

[NicuProblem]

Mummylife can you explain why you personally find it worrying?

[Raspberry88]

Mummylife2018

RTFT...FFS.

[NicuProblem]

No answer to my question then? Rightyho.

You'd be wrong. He is great with both of them. Does changes, feeds, makes bottles up, takes elder DC to the park, he's a fantastic dad and enjoys being one.

Him prioritising getting to work when DD was safe and with me isn't really anything concerning. In fact I'd say sacrificing your financial security for extra time with a stable baby and potentially impacting the families housing is irresponsible.

[namechangedtoday15]

Hi OP, only just getting chance to reply to my earlier message. You said Changing her nappy doesn't actually impact her long term care and who does it isn't something she will remember. It doesn't affect her. I dont really disagree with that, but for lots of mum/parents, it affects them. I know you didnt feel that, but NICU are looking out for the baby and the parents.

[BusterGonad]

I've read 80% of the thread and I can understand your predicament but once a week! I understand he had a job and you had a child at home with additional needs. I get it. But surely his natural parenting instinct would've got him there a bit more often then once a week. I know you both phoned the unit a lot but nothing NOTHING compares to being sat by your poorly child, holding their hand, talking to them, reading a book knowing you are right next to them. My husband didn't have a permanent job when I had mine, he had to drive an hour each way to work but always stopped for 5 mins in the morning, then drive straight there after work to see me and our son. We only had one car, I'd take to buses every morning to the hospital. Express then sit with my son until my husband arrived. I'd live off flap jacks from the hospital shop or treat myself to chips from the canteen. We were told we needed the day off so one weekend mother of us visited and we went for a pub lunch! What I'm trying to say is if the WILL is there you'd make it work. If my husband only visited once a week I'd be very worried about his bonding and his mental health. And I cannot believe that people are referring to it as just a baby in a box doing nothing! Unreal.

[BusterGonad]

Neither NOT mother.
Just to add my son was 1lb 10oz and he was in the unit for 12 weeks. Not a short and easy stint by any imagination!

[beeyourself]

OP - I spent a long time in NICU, I'm so sorry about your experiences there. All parents situations are different and all try to be there as much as they can, but I know it's hard, especially when you have other children.

You have a right to be upset at what was written (I would be) but as a pp has said, they made a note and then did nothing because they realised your situation.

This won't help you, but there's currently a big drive to support families in spending as much time as possible with their baby, there's also an emphasis on looking after the mental health of NICU parents. I'm sorry that you felt excluded (by them bathing your baby etc) and unsupported.

I think that the mental health of parents suffers on/after NICU as it can be quite traumatic. Please see your gp for counselling etc if you think it will help you.

I hope your family is all doing well now

[Youknowmedontyou]

@BusterGonad who looked after your other additional needs child whilst you were at the hospital?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Youknowmedontyou
Literally what I was going to post!!

We only had one car so one more than OP and her partner.

We were told we needed the day off so one weekend mother of us visited and we went for a pub lunch! What I'm trying to say is if the WILL is there you'd make it work when the nurses told us we needed time out we gave out selves two hours to walk into the local town every Saturday and have dinner together before coming back to say goodnight to our son. Does it make us better parents than you because we had the WILL to make sure we were there every day for nearly 14 weeks?

Op's partner didn't drive, had irrational dualr shift patterns and a young developmentally delayed disabled child at home. He called the hospital daily. He knew OP was also calling and seeing the baby every day. He didn't bugger off to Magaluf for a month, he was trying to keep a roof over the heads of his two additionally vulnerable children.

[BusterGonad]

Youknow as you well know from my post I didn't have one, surly the Op could've gone on home so the father gets to pop in to see their ill child?
Sleeping I didn't have a car, I got in to visit.
And yes, you are tremendously good parents.
It's not a competition but for the life of me I do not know how a parent with a very ill child can only visit once a week. I know the ins and outs of the many reasons stated above. Maybe it is because they have a child with additional needs at home. I don't know. It's not the way I would've been happy with. I would've given up my visiting every day so the father could've managed more than once a week.

[Raspberry88]

Not exactly 'popping in' if it takes ages on the bus. The OP also managed to get in on public transport but I think you might have missed the part about her DH being in a precarious casual job that he couldn't be late for. Getting multiple buses to spend 5 minutes there and risking being late for work isn't quite the same as you getting in on public transport for a period of time. Anyway, why do you feel the need to pass judgement?

[BusterGonad]

I'm not particularly passing judgement I'm just saying I wouldn't be happy with my husband visiting once a week. Once you've taken the bus you then know the timings of it. Buses do have timetables. If the father works later generally then surely there's time after sleeping to visit. I dunno. I personally think it's strange to only visit a child that could potentially die just once a week. I must be the weird one. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Youknowmedontyou]

@BusterGonad so your particular situation was totally different to OPs?

Did you get a lift home from the hospital from your husband, so only have to travel via public transport one way?

No, parenting is not a competition but you certainly make it sound like that, particularly that the nurses said "you needed a rest and must have a day off", it made it sound like you should've got a gold star for parenting in the way YOUR circumstances allowed you to do so.

[Raspberry88]

Buses do have timetables.

Ha...you should try getting the bus where I am!

The problem with this thread is that the discussion keeps coming back to what other posters did in a similar situation, or what they would have wanted from their partners. But there's no right way to respond to traumatic events like this. I don't think it's wrong or at all unusual to respond like the OP or her DH in trying to ensure that all practical issues were attended to. Lots of people focus on 'what needs to be done' in times of crisis. Thank goodness they did really as it would have been far worse if they had been left penniless or homeless or if the needs of their older child had been neglected.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I didn't have a car, I got in to visit but you weren't also ferrying a child to childcare and getting to and from work for random shifts.

It isn't a decision I envisage DH and I making if we have another and he ends up in NICU. BUT we can probably get some emergency cover from where we get respite and I have family living nearby. With DS we managed to live in hospital accommodation for 9 weeks and I "roomed" in from the moment we got to our last hospital. I don't actually think it makes me a better parent, I think it makes me very lucky that a) we got accommodation b) we had no other kids C) DH's commute was the same pretty much, just way more expensive.

They did what they did at a time of high stress, and they tried to do their best. I just don't think people piling on telling her how shot her DP is helps.

[BusterGonad]

I don't see how they had to either be penniless/homeless/and neglect the other child for the father to visit a bit more often. He didn't work 20 hour shifts.
The buses where I lived were shit too. Sometimes I had to walk for an hour to get there.
Yes my husband would drive us home, unless he had meetings or some other reason, then I'd get 2 buses back.
Maybe mentioning the fact we got told to have a day off was smug of me but honestly, I do not know how parents can stay away from a child on the brink of life?
I suppose we are all different, with different views on life, different circumstances etc...

[SleepingStandingUp]

I personally think it's strange to only visit a child that could potentially die just once a week OP hasn't said anything to imply her child was critical by the time he went back to work.
DH went back to work an hour away. If DS had died suddenly he wouldn't have been there. But we trusted the doctors to make a call on him "no longer being critical" by the time he'd gone back to work.

Perhaps my DH should have stayed off work the full 14 weeks just in case

[SleepingStandingUp]

how parents can stay away from a child on the brink of life? can you quote the bit of Op's post you keep mentioning

[BIgBagofJelly]

If it's difficult for you and your husband to get to the hospital it is concerning though because in the future you might need to take your preemie baby to hospital appointments. It suggests you have very difficult circumstances and very little external support which is of course a worry which they are very correct to point out. It also mean you won't have bonded with the baby and won't have begun to take on some of it's care, got used to it's routines etc which will make the transition to home much more difficult. You might need additional support.

[BusterGonad]

Sleeping aren't most premature babies on the verge? Mine stopped breathing about 2 weeks before he went home, he had an averse reaction to something and literally went grey before my eyes.
I'm not going to argue but for me personally I find once a week visits from the father a worry. That's my opinion and I'm untitled to it.

[BusterGonad]

Entitled.