DB wanting to give up work, is he BU?

[enterpasscode]

My DB is 50. He is married with adult DC who have now left home and has had a successful career in finance whilst SIL has worked part time to fit around the DC. She has continued to work part time even when they left home but to be fair she does all the housework/cooking as well. Anyway, he hasn't been enjoying his job for a while, he gets no satisfaction from it and finds it frustrating, although he is paid well and has good benefits so he's stuck at it rather than look for a job elsewhere. Recently an aunt of ours died and left us a chunk of money between us, and DB has worked out that if they are careful, he will have enough to be able to give up his job and live off this money until he gets his pension. His DW however is very unhappy about this and has kicked up a bit of a stink. She says that they had all these plans for the future which now won't happen because they'll be on a tight budget, I've suggested that she works full time but she isn't really qualified to do anything that will make up the shortfall financially (they have no mortgage so just bills to cover). I've known her since before she was married to my brother and we get on really well, so I'm trying to sit on the fence as I can see why he wants to make this decision, but I can also see her point of view!

cooking and clearing up after breakfast and dinner, food shopping, probably adds up to an hour a day.

Unless you eat ready meals every day, I would say those things take far longer than an hour a day!

That’s hardly arduous though is it. And simple healthy meals can be really quick to prep. How do you all think households with 2 full time workers manage?

How do you all think households with 2 full time workers manage?

I don't need to imagine it, I'm living it 🙄 And it certainly takes more than 7 hours a week to prepare 7 meals, do all the food shopping and all the clearing away. I'm in awe or your organizational prowess if it takes you less than that.

enterthepasscode - then he needs to experience her life to the full part time working and all the chores

If not frankly your SIL should walk I would as basically what he is saying is she spent 25 years sacrificing her life so he could have a career (which by your own admission was not terribly long hours, a short commute and not stressful) which presumably still enable him to do his hobbies because the childcare and housework was done.

Now he has some money coming his way he sees that now she should take the financial load on top of everything else while he whittles away money and does his hobby

I really dont get how you can possibly see his view and frankly if this were my brother I would be ashamed he thinks so little of his wife contribution to his life

The ONLY reason he would keep slogging away in a job he hates is to keep her in the money and lifestyle she wants

I agree with PP, he should demonstrate his capability of running the home to their current standard before they commit to such a big change of lifestyle. Take two weeks off and do everything she has been doing, to show that he can and is prepared to really give it a go. He might do well, he might be glad to go back to work.

Legally inheritances are the property of the person who inherits and don't become marital assets so, yes, it is his inheritance not theirs. I know this doesn't fit the MN tenet of "family money" but that's the way it is. The exception is if it becomes mixed into the pot by eg paying off a mortgage.

Legally inheritances are the property of the person who inherits and don't become marital assets

Actually in a divorce situation this is not strictly speaking true. All assets will be considered by the court and a view taken as to whether they are included or not.

It doesn't sound like he's slogging away, it sounds like he is bored and unsatisfied with the job. I am astounded by the responses here saying it's ok for him to retire at 50 and indulge his hobbies. He could live to be 100! The inheritance should have been viewed as a windfall for both of them to have few holidays or whatever they would both enjoy, not to replace a salary for 5 years. If he was 60, in a hugely stressful job that was affecting his heath then I might have some sympathy but not in these circumstances and if this was my DH who is a similar age, I would be fuming . As for suggesting that this might be ok and the SIL could work full time...……. strewth.

the legal viewpoint and moral viewpoint dont have to tally - and morally I dont think its right that he makes it all his

If she has plans that need financing she can work more.

Inheritance belongs to the person it was left too. If he wants to use it for that and can meet his half share of the bills it's down to him. He's financed his wife to allow her the luxury of part time working for many years and he doesn't need her finances to make this happen so isn't even expecting to be supported whilst he now works less.

"He's financed his wife to allow her the luxury of part time working for many years "

Or "His wife has worked part time for many years to allow him the luxury of avoiding all domestic drudgery and to be able to build up his career to the point where he can consider retiring on a private pension at the age of 55."

When I was in that situation we did a lot of the boring stuff at the weekend and at probably an hour a night each. It definitely took longer than 7 hours a week.

The idea of her working full time to make up the short fall is obviously stupid. He's been building up a career for years with her doing all the housework. Her income won't make any difference at all.

It's difficult because she might well have agreed to staying at home on the basis that he'd work for a certain number of years and now she's powerless to keep that plan. On the other hand she needs to be flexible. If he's exhausted and really doesn't want to work any more that's absolutely fair enough to.

I don't think they'll get anywhere though if they're not a team. If he feels she just wants a nice lifestyle and doesn't care about his well being then obviously he won't be very motivated to listen to her concerns. Likewise if she thinks as the lower earner her voice doesn't matter she's naturally going to fight her corner more.

Are you all really suggesting that it's a lot of work to keep a house with only two adults living in it clean and tidy??

Your brother has not had to clean a house because SIL has done it for him for years as part of their domestic setup. He doesn't have the skills. Yet. He'd develop them pretty quick if he needed to. I mean, it's not exactly rocket science is it??

Kerberos the skills are easy to pick up the willing not so much and that is what appears to be lacking here

Plus if it were truly even he still needs to get a part time job as well

50 is incredibly young to retire as well

Far too young. imo
Unfair on her too.

agree with the sentiment above, Strewth!

Are you all really suggesting that it's a lot of work to keep a house with only two adults living in it clean and tidy??

I'm not, but at 50 they probably haven't had an empty nest for long. She's done the hard graft of working and doing ALL the home stuff as well, now he wants to put his feet up and live off his inheritance.

IMO when one partner gives up their career to look after the children, you make a deal (whether spoken or implied). They enable the working partner to build up their career and earnings at the expense of the non-working one. The working partner then bears the responsibility to financially support them both. This deal can of course change, but both parties need to be happy with that. In a healthy, loving relationship the two partners look out for one another, respect each other and want the other to be happy.

It seems like the BIL has torn up the deal they made with no regard for the sacrifices his wife has already made and with no consideration for her feelings. He wants what he wants. It's not what should happen in a good relationship. There are compromises if he wants to find them.

But in the past 20 years or so she has given up her career, done all the difficult housework i.e looking after 2 small kids, cooking and cleaning etc when there was a full house. Now him doing "the same" is a completely different story. He gets to do the easy part of it in an almost empty house.

He is taking the piss big time.

The problem is that the 'we' of 20+ years together is suddenly becoming 'I' from his point of view.

Out of interest, has she ever had an inheritance? If so, what happened to it?

Totally agree with the previous couple of comments. It suggests that people feel she was allowed to 'stop work' for years and now it's his turn. This is perpetuating the idea that being a SAHM and running a full household is not work. To stay at home now, once the dc have gone and the household is easy to run is nothing like being a SAHM/D.

I think those people saying how hard it is looking after a house are thinking about the house when the kids were young. Shopping and making meals for two is really not hardship at all, then there's a couple of hours cleaning and laundry. While she worked hard when the kids were young, I'm sure his job wasn't a breeze either and she's been taking it easy part time since. It's not ok for SIL to not even try working full time for once but demand that her husband keeps doing it; I can only think those people haven't had a full time job for a long time to understand how the that's pile up to feel like drudgery. It's fine if she wants to say he needs to do part-time or contract work and get a cleaner if she doesn't trust him to do that, but it's not fine to force him to stay in a job he hates.

*the that's = the years

I genuinely think the responses would be different if this was your sister you were discussing. Or if a woman had posted saying she’d worked full time while her husband had been a sahd and now she had a chance to give up a job she hated because she’d inherited some money but her husband didn’t want her to. There is no way the MN concensus would be for her to continue in a job she hated.
I know several policemen who’ve retired at 50 as well so it’s not exactly unheard of.

I assume as part of taking over the household responsibilities he will also sort out presents, decor and catering for Christmas, birthdays, their joint and several social responsibilities, sourcing and engaging tradesmen for household repairs, renewals and upgrades, charitable giving, care for any elderly dependents, researching and booking holidays, household finances etc.

And all this of course will be a walk in the chuffing park because THE CHILDREN are no longer part of the scene.

He's not the first husband and father I've seen turn into a total arse when he inherited a useful sum, but he's making a good job of it As a recent poster said, "we" are fast becoming "I".

Giving up his job, reducing his earnings, running down his pension by taking it far too early etc etc. Are you sure he's not bailing on this marriage OP? 🤔