DB wanting to give up work, is he BU?

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My DB is 50. He is married with adult DC who have now left home and has had a successful career in finance whilst SIL has worked part time to fit around the DC. She has continued to work part time even when they left home but to be fair she does all the housework/cooking as well. Anyway, he hasn't been enjoying his job for a while, he gets no satisfaction from it and finds it frustrating, although he is paid well and has good benefits so he's stuck at it rather than look for a job elsewhere. Recently an aunt of ours died and left us a chunk of money between us, and DB has worked out that if they are careful, he will have enough to be able to give up his job and live off this money until he gets his pension. His DW however is very unhappy about this and has kicked up a bit of a stink. She says that they had all these plans for the future which now won't happen because they'll be on a tight budget, I've suggested that she works full time but she isn't really qualified to do anything that will make up the shortfall financially (they have no mortgage so just bills to cover). I've known her since before she was married to my brother and we get on really well, so I'm trying to sit on the fence as I can see why he wants to make this decision, but I can also see her point of view!

DB is U in my book for doing no domestic work!

How PT is SiL-big difference between, say, 0.4 full-time-equivalent hours and 0.8

When does DB get his occupational pension?

Assuming it’s at age 60 or 65, he’s now only 50. How much of a difference will it make to his pension will 10 or 15 fewer years working make? Presumably a huge difference.

Does SIL have pension provision?

If he leaves and needs money in the future he may find it hard to get a well paid job (ageism etc). Would he be willing to get a low paid job?

How many DC do they have? (Sounds like one, which gives me less sympathy with SiL working PT for so long).

On the basis of info so far I think DB is being U. But that he would not BU to go PT - often people say it “wouldn’t work” because it’s not previously been done at their employer. If lots more men sought PT and flexible work things would be likely to improve IMO!

I’d suggest they do a trial. Do a month living on what he thinks they can live on...and think about a budget for holidays and the unexpected. And h3 should take a couple of weeks off and take over the housework etc while she does none of the things she normally does...

Friends of mine did this and worked out they could adjust. I think 50 is too youn* to retire completely though.

I’d suggest they do a trial. Do a month living on what he thinks they can live on... How would that work? He'd have given up his job to do that properly... it wouldn't be the same with his work related costs and he wouldn't be in the house, experiencing the dull drag of doing bugger all!

They seriously just need to sit down and talk it out. They had one understanding and they now need to work out another one. It's what couples do every now an dthen, as they grow older and life changes!

I don’t mean give up work, just set the budget for spending that month to what he thinks they are going to be living on. My friends did it for three months and decided it was ok.

And two weeks at home on annual leave doing all the housework would show him what it’s like.

He is being U

There surely is a middle ground whee he goes PT? Or they go super-frugal and maximise savings on a 5-year plan so they both can retire at 55?

my DB is useless domestically. He has actually said he will do all the housework etc if she works full time, but I just can't see that happening and neither can she. He's not going to go from doing nothing to being a domestic god. She thinks he will spend all his time on his hobbies (she may well be right).

That's what he'll do. All these people banging on about her 'luxurious' life working PT, she works outside the home PT, the other part of her job has been completely enabling him to do no lifework.

He won't change because he sees lifework as unimportant and someone else's job.

I know you say you're close to them both but seriously, not your circus not your monkeys. Tell them to stop bitching to you about it, and they need to sort it out themselves because the energy that is being put in to moaning and complaining could be redirected.

OP I have to say he is your brother and you love him but you know this will be unfair on your SIL

So support her

He's too young. And he won't get another job if he changes his mind

I'm sure he will get another job if he wanted one.
Your DB and wife want/expect different things. She can't expect him to work if he's in a position not to and isn't happy. I don't blame him but couldn't there be some compromise?
He could look for something more enjoyable maybe part time just for some extra income. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

50 is young to retire and the majority of people don't, because they cannot afford it. However, work is not just about money, it's also about the social interaction, team work etc. He may be happy to live frugally, but his wife/partner may not. There is a new way of life that has started, it's called retiring young, I've seen a few blogs, articles etc

Why is it all or nothing. 50 is very young to stop working completely. It could mean he worked for 25 years and be retired and not work for 40 years. The finances don't add up. It's also unreasonable. For those who have said bizarrely that his Dw should 'start contributing' more, what do you think she has done for the past 25 years? Knit mittens? She's been raising children, running the household on her own AND working part time. Go away with your inference that he has contributed more than she has. Now the dc have grown, he could take a new lower paid, lower stress job but continue to contribute as she is doing. It's unreasonable that he just dies nothing for the next 35-40 years.

My dh retired at 53 with a pension, but then got a contract in another organisation that takes him til December this year, when he will retire properly at 58.

We know we can live on his pension and the lump sum in lieu of pension from the second job, so why not? I hope to go back to work when we are back in the UK to make up 6 years of NICs to max out my state pension. My public sector pensions kick in at 60 (reserved benefits), so I should be able to give up working at 60, or carry on if I'm enjoying it.

I am very aware that my Dad died at 60 without really retiring, so if you can afford to do it, why not?

Does your SIL love her job? Does she love making beds, cleaning, washing, folding, tidying, cooking, washing up, cleaning toilets? Every day?
I can see both sides but I do think she is right to have concerns. This needs to be a joint plan.
If it doesn’t place them at financial risk, in her shoes, I might suggest a compromise of him finding a less stressful part-time job and splitting the housework 50:50. I would be beyond pissed off if he ditched work and spent all his time on “hobbies” while I worked and cleaned up his shit.
I’d also want him to ask about going part time. It sounds a bit like when you question a teenager and they spout all the reasons why anything other than [what he wants] him retiring early, is impossible.
50 is very young, wonderful if you can afford it and have plenty of other interests, but as described, this could really threaten their marriage. The potential for resentment on both sides is huge.

Can I just say, I'm not entirely siding with DB at all on this, I can see his POV but I can also see that my SIL has looked after him very well over the years taking total responsibility for the house and DC (there are two boys) so I can see why she feels put out that he's changing what were effectively their joint plans. He does have a very good private/Work pension that he can take from 55. I've no idea what SIL has in place pension wise. She isn't the type to sit at home getting her nails painted and spending his money, she doesn't spend loads on clothes or handbags either so I think some PPs have been a bit harsh suggesting she's living off him and wants him to maintain her lifestyle. They've always seemed to get on well and had a good partnership and I would hate to see money come between them.

Your DB will have no clue about what “doing all the housework” entails. I know I didn’t. My mum did everything, I didn’t even make my own bed!
If he has shown no interest in sharing this part of their lives, even when the boys were baby and toddler, it is unlikely he will take to it like a duck to water. If he doesn’t do it or is shit at it because he can’t “see” it needs doing, SIL is going to do her nut.
I think he needs a foretaste of what he is promising. I think if he gets his way, they might both be miserable.
I think early retirement works best for couples when they are in sync, - both not working. If they both work part time and share the housework, perhaps they can plan to retire together when he is say 55?

Someone with good finance skills could put together a very nice portfolio of part - time or contract working - part time FD for one or more small companies, Finance manager for a charity, NGO, consultancy in his area of expertise. I don’t get people who think you either have a PAYE job or do nothing. So much work now is portfolio. If he did that til full retirement benefits kicked in, they could live more comfortably (and he also wouldn’t be under SILs feet, which may be an underlying concern. )

Have to say I really wonder about these people who are bored when they retire and want to go back to work. DH and I wonder how we ever had time to go to work; being retired is great.

I can’t wait to retire but I want the money in retirement to enjoy it. So much as I would love to stop now at 50. I’m going to push on through to 55 then fins something part time. I could retire and expect my DH to carry on working...but that doesn’t feel fair.

Also he loves working and is going to be a nightmare with no hobbies when he does retire.

I've suggested that she works full time

So he can sit on his arse while she is running around like a gobshite?

I wouldn't be happy with in-laws telling me to increase my hours to compensate for DB packing in his job because he doesn't like it.

DB needs to find a job he does like, even if it means dropping salary/hours.

Your expenses change when you retire though. Less on commuting, work clothes, quick fix meals help around the house, more on fun.

That’s not true for everyone though Tinkly, I know that it is often quoted that your living costs go down but mine wouldn’t, I walk to work, very,very casual set up so I don’t have any ‘work clothes’, never have ready meals or buy coffee out. I should think my living costs will go up when I retire, as I will need the heating on at home and can’t use the work phone . I appreciate that if you have a long commute and/or a professional job that needs smart clothes your experience will be different.

I think she should encourage him to take a six month sabbatical (obviously he would probably need to resign). She can pursue full time work and career goals, while he takes on her usual load at home. At the four month point they should evaluate if it is working and how to proceed. I don’t think either is wrong.

Money isnt going to though is it. Its his belief that he can now sit around and do his hobby whilst living off a joint inheritance whilst she not only increases the hour she works but continues to do everything as before.

Does he get what it will mean in terms of housework OP - has anyone told him what he would have to take on and do.

If he cans work now he won't get a full state pension, you need 35 years of contributions, that could easily increase during the next 17 years. He'll be heading for a really miserable retirement.