DB wanting to give up work, is he BU?

[enterpasscode]

My DB is 50. He is married with adult DC who have now left home and has had a successful career in finance whilst SIL has worked part time to fit around the DC. She has continued to work part time even when they left home but to be fair she does all the housework/cooking as well. Anyway, he hasn't been enjoying his job for a while, he gets no satisfaction from it and finds it frustrating, although he is paid well and has good benefits so he's stuck at it rather than look for a job elsewhere. Recently an aunt of ours died and left us a chunk of money between us, and DB has worked out that if they are careful, he will have enough to be able to give up his job and live off this money until he gets his pension. His DW however is very unhappy about this and has kicked up a bit of a stink. She says that they had all these plans for the future which now won't happen because they'll be on a tight budget, I've suggested that she works full time but she isn't really qualified to do anything that will make up the shortfall financially (they have no mortgage so just bills to cover). I've known her since before she was married to my brother and we get on really well, so I'm trying to sit on the fence as I can see why he wants to make this decision, but I can also see her point of view!

I'm not sure why the SiL is getting such a hard time?! She 'worked' bringing up the children AND worked PT around the children AND cleaned/runs the house. Children on their own is a FT job, and she did that AND worked in a job/did all the household chores!
You now think it's fair to tell her to INCREASE her hours so your DB doesn't have to work?! I'm confused why people think this is okay?

DB can find another job, doing something less stressful to keep the money coming in or even PT. This then takes the burden off SiL to be the main breadwinner, especially if even you say DB is useless around the house and SiL will end up still doing all the household chores!

I'm not sure why people are saying it's fair for him to not work at all and for her to increase her hours, or saying she is expecting a certain lifestyle? I thought OP said she was miffed as this would mean their plans for the future would change? This could just be one holiday a year, or getting a new carpet or getting a new car as their old one keeps breaking down.
She looked after the kids, worked PT around the kids and also looks after the house. He's now decided he doesn't want to work in his current job because of a windfall (I'm sure if his job was that bad he would have left before now). Not only that, he's decided he doesn't want to work at all! And everyone thinks it's perfectly okay for poor SiL can increase her hours so he can live a life of leisure and do nothing?!

My dh has just retired. We had lots of conversations & he went more PT over a fair few years first.

He's good & hears me about housework & mental load.

He won't fritter money away either, so we should be able to live as suits us best, no reduction in standard of living.

In my opinion, when someone says that their job 'wouldn't work part-time' there is a proportion of the time that this is true. Yes, line management and safety-critical roles do sometimes need the same person there consistently. But these roles are fairly few, when you really think about - as that argument falls down as soon as someone takes a day of annual leave.

However, what they often mean is: 'My role has never been done part-time before, there would be some issues to resolve and I don't want to go through the hassle of asking my employers to consider a part-time working arrangement and risk that they regard me as less serious/less committed for doing so.'

If he is considering leaving entirely then it would be very reasonable of him to seriously explore part-time working options first.

Why should he stick at a job he doesn't like when he has inherited money that could cover his half of the living expenses? Really life is too short to be miserable. I spent 30 years in a career that made me miserable and was having a detrimental affect on my physical and mental health. My dh inherited a large sum of money which allowed me to embark on a new career even though it meant my wages were halved and also paid off our mortgage. I feel very lucky that he enabled me to do this but he didn't want to see me unhappy any longer. A couple of years after starting this new career I will hopefully soon be earning more then I was in my old career but it was a gamble. As others have said can he switch career or go part time rather than giving up work completely ?

so he has a short commute, doesnt work long hours, it isnt stressful and he wants to spend the inheritance on himself.

Presumably doing absolutely nothing and still expecting her to do it all

She is right

He has a very good private pension that I think he can have from 55, he is planning to use this cash to live on until then.

See this would annoy me, so he could carry on working even part time and they could use the money to go on holidays buy a new car, have a better pension in a few years but he wants to spend it on living and being lazy. It's not like he has had a hard physical job and is exhausted, he is just a bit bored and fancies fannying around with his hobbies.

I hate money being wasted on 'living' if you already have a job that pays for living.

Just seen your update OP.... So his job isn't causing him MH problems, he just hates it?! Poor baby. A lot of people hate their jobs but do it because they have to. He's now thinking he doesn't have to work as he's had an inheritance, but this would then mean your SiL has to work more hours?! I honestly don't understand how you/he/other posters thinks this is okay?

"Successful career in finance".
Can't go PT? Oh purlease.
Finance, out of just about every possible career, is possibly THE most suitable, for reducing hours, going P/T etc.

There are tonnes and tonnes of very well paid finance positions.

@LiverpoolVictoria

He does not have to do his job. He chooses to. Life is too short to be in a job you hate.

I think it’s great to retire early. DH and I have made the decision to retire in our fifties, with some impact on our living standard, because we prefer not to work.

But it sounds like they want fundamentally different things: he wants more leisure time, she wants a good standard of living. They have to work out some kind of compromise. He can’t just hog all of the inheritance money and leave her to pick up the pieces.

This is about the fact that they've made plans for the future together and he is now unilaterally making decisions for both of them. He's also implying they're not a team by treating the inheritance as his alone.

The need to talk and talk and talk and talk about what each of them wants and find a way to come to a compromise. If they want to stay together, that is. If I were you, I'd be telling my bro that and then staying well well well or if it.

Um, out of it.

@greendale17

Yes, but sometimes we all have to man/woman-up and do what we have to. He may hate his job, but what effect would not working then have on his relationship with his wife? Would she feel bitter about having to go out to work every day while he potters around at home?

My OH hated his job, he found another one. We all have choices, and his choice right now is to just not work, which is then unfair on his wife.
What if she decided she didn't want to work? Would that be okay? Then they'd both not work, live off his inheritance (which would then run out) and they would then have to sell their mortgage free house to get some money. That would be a lovely situation to be in, much better than him being unhappy in a job he hates....

Also who said anything about mental health?

Quite. OP said DB is finding his job frustrating rather than satisfying. He obviously isn't having a great time but if it were making him so miserable he felt ill he would surely have told her in order to gain sympathy, unless he's the sort of person who will never admit to struggling. If it were a question of him either giving up work or being carted off wibbling I would hope his DW would be first in the queue to tell him to drop work immediately. (Would OP be good friends with her otherwise?)

There are a few people talking about the wife as though she had not worked for years and now has some kind of hobby job that keeps her amused, but that isn't what was said. There's also part-time that's nearly no time and part-time that's nearly full time.

I do wonder whether he has quite thought through what living frugally can mean. I don't expect OP is in a position to know that sort of detail but it's possible the wife is thinking of this logically for both rather than selfishly for herself. If they still want holidays, spending money (including on those precious hobbies!), repairing/replacing the car etc they will need a reasonable income. Him taking a career break and then looking for a less stressful occupation sounds a great compromise. If it were my DB I'd be prodding him towards that sort of solution.

Could DB not start a small business with the money? That way he could dictate his hours but still contribute.

He needs to consider the impact on his pension if he does this as well.

The grass isn't always greener. It's very easy to imagine how easy life is without a job, because you base it on how your life is when you don't work e.g. Annual leave/weekends but that's not how it is. A lot of people struggle with giving up work whether for retirement or health. I found it hard, I knew it was going to be, but it was much worse.

I knew someone who did this with the same intention and they ended up much worse off and had a breakdown when reality hit. In the end he ended up running a charity shop voluntarily just for something to do because volunteering at church/in community just wasn't enough. Now they're both really struggling to make ends meet - yes they've tried getting more work but haven't been able to do so, in a rural area it's hard anyway and the costs he budgeted for are totally unrealistic now. Both of them say it was the worst thing they did, his wife did work but lost her job when it went to zero hours and she couldn't manage a shift.

Others I know have taken early retirement and got another job.

(Massive x-post due to difficulties posting!)

I feel rather sorry for your SIL - what happens if she says she wants to give up work too? She has played her part over the years even if she wasn't the one bringing in the big bucks. Your B is being selfish expecting to spend all of the inheritance on himself and for her to pick up the slack. I agree with PPs that he should look to go PT or for another lesser paid, less stressful job. I also think that SIL should say that she wishes to work the same number of hours that your B does - that sounds fairer to me.

OP, would they be able to afford to live just off this money until the pension kicks in, or would SIL have to keep on working in order to allow DB to give up?

I'm not sure why the SiL is getting such a hard time?! She 'worked' bringing up the children AND worked PT around the children AND cleaned/runs the house. Children on their own is a FT job, and she did that AND worked in a job/did all the household chores!

This is all absolutely true, but the DC aren't at home now. No caring responsibilities are mentioned. I don't think it's fair at all for DB to quit immediately, particularly if he's expecting DSIL to keep working to facilitate this. But if she wants a particular standard of living and opportunities, it's not actually unfair to suggest that she ought to maximise her earnings to contribute further to this. Neither of them have the right to expect the other to make choices to facilitate their preference whilst not making any accommodations themselves. In DBs case, this will also mean taking on more housework in order to allow his wife to earn more and him to quit earlier.

He's also not going to get his state pension for 17 years!

Is he going to get a private one sooner?

And if I were SiL I wouldn't be happy either.

It’s a tricky one but I don’t think he is being entirely unreasonable. He is willing to live on a budget and she isn’t but she shouldn’t be the one to work full time for this? I do think it would be more reasonable of him to find a new job or drop his hours but I don’t think he should have to stay in a job he hates because his wife works PT and wants to keep living nicely.

If the children are grown up then presumably she’s had the opportunity to retrain/ return to work but hasn’t for whatever reason. Therefore I dont think the argument that she gave up her chance at a career and raised the kids is as strong as it seems. Also I think I read that the mortgage is paid off, so it’s only bills and living that need to be covered. I guess how much the inheritance is would play a part in this, as well as how much of a budget they would need to be on?

I’m not saying he should just leave work though, as they’re part of a partnership so should come to a compromise. They both need to see the others position a little bit.

I think the SIL is being totally unreasonable. She has had the luxury of being in a part time job - and yes, that is a luxury compared to a full time high pressure job - and now expects him to keep doing a job he hates? I think he is right to spend the money as he likes.

Unbelievable!

It depends how much drop in pension he will get by taking it at 55. If he's worked in finance, could he consider "retiring" but doing a couple of well-paid contracts say a few months per year to add to their savings? My dad retired early and did 4 or 5 little jobs to boost their savings while my mum worked part time so they made it to 65 to cash in at the best rate. It would stop him from getting bored and could be a nice compromise, interesting for him too if he gets to pick and choose small pieces of work rather than being stuck in the daily grind. He could at least talk to consultants and recruiters he knows to get an idea of the market for his skills.

I do think overall that SIL is being very unreasonable. If she wants more money then she should work to earn some of it, not just leave him in a job he hates while she works part time, that isn't partnership. She isn't tied down by kids and has some work history so she can build a career in the next ten years to start earning good money. If she doesn't want to work hard then she needs to take a long look at why she's asking her husband to.

I feel fairly certain that someone with a career in finance would be able to get a part time or less stressful job fairly easily. My DH works in finance and at age 55 wants to down scale his job to get a better work/life balance. He has a plan in place and is actively working towards his goal. It is definitely doable.

Your DB will probably just get bored at home and realise living on a tight budget means he might have to give up his hobbies. It will be no fun. I am on SIL side.