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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I lied to my husband

125 replies

Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 21:35

I lied and therefore I am being unreasonable. But to what extent?

I promised my husband that I wouldn't ever get lip fillers. He's strongly against putting filler into my body and it's a bad idea, looks terrible e.t.c.

So when I have previously expressed interest, he was quick to make me to promise not to get filler or Botox done.

Two days ago I had lip fillers ... So I broke the promise.

He didn't actually noticed that I have had them done.
(I only had a very small amount put in. Enough so that I personally notice a difference and I'm really pleased)

He was scrolling on my phone and looked at my photos where I had taken some selfies just after the treatment. I wanted to see what they looked like in a photo at different angles

He saw the photos... He's not happy... he told me I am breaking the trust between us. I don't think he is going to talk to me for a week. He has form for giving the silent treatment. (I find this really cruel).

How long should I expect the silent treatment for?Is my dishonesty really that bad in the grand scheme of things?

Feeling shitty about myself. So AIBU is possibly not the best place this evening. Anyone got some constructive advice on how I can handle this situation?

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2019 07:41

HomoHeinekenensis1

"Genuine question. How is the OP's husband supposed to show his disapproval here though? He is allowed an opinion."

He could do Not by talking not exacting a promise from his wife.

"He hasn't flown into a rage or worse." Quite a lot of people find 'the silent treatment" very unpleasant.

"They had a conversation and an agreement. There is no evidence the OP was coerced into agreeing she would not get this procedure."

It's very clear that that is the case.

"The OP has done the polar opposite to what she agreed and he is angry."

Of course he is angry he is not getting yo dictate what happens with'his wife'.

"All this 'Your body, your rules' stuff! What OP should have done is had another discussion with him not done exactly what she said she would not do ffs." May be he is a controlling arse and not that easy to talk to*

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2019 07:43

"So when I have previously expressed interest, he was quick to make me to promise not to get filler or Botox done. "

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2019 07:47

Sorry, that should read, He could do so by talking, not exacting a promise from his wife.

themoomoo · 06/02/2019 07:47

well they were obvious enough to see in the photos.
YABU they always look atrocious

MorrisZapp · 06/02/2019 07:58

Can I just ask what the silent treatment looks like in a house with a baby and a toddler? Is he being an engaged, adoring father as usual but just ignoring you? Or has he decided that being cross gives him a pass to sit in the other room watching golf on his iPad?

HJWT · 06/02/2019 07:59

I might be old school or something but i personally would refuse to let my husband get a tattoo on his face so why is it not ok if he doesn't want me to do something to my face ? 🤷🏻‍♀️

greendale17 · 06/02/2019 09:05

To those saying her body, her rules. I take it you wouldn’t batter an eyelid if your partner got a tattoo on their face???

poglets · 06/02/2019 09:19

Does your husband often go through your phone? What is the need? Do you have no personal boundaries between each other?

OnTheHop · 06/02/2019 09:25

Well, I wouldn’t make my partner promise not to get anything done as it is his body.

If he was dressed and juggling baby, job etc I would be trying to take care of him and boost his self esteem.

I would make it clear that I personally would find a tattoo, penis enlargement or totally shaved pubes unnatractive.

And if he chose to do those things he would need to live with the effect on me.

He loved the way you look. If you are so busy, why is stuff like fillers and taking selfies a way of making yourself feel better?

His ‘silent treatment ‘ and making you promise stuff is pathetic.

Lots of thinking and talking between the two of you needed.

OnTheHop · 06/02/2019 09:26

Stressed, not dressed.

theharlotletter · 06/02/2019 10:06

Looks like the OP isn't coming back. I can make an educated guess that this incident is just the latest in a long line of incidents where her DH deliberately makes her feel guilty and bad about herself in order to control her. It won't matter what hoops she jumps through, he'll just move the position of the hoops.

Confusedbeetle · 06/02/2019 10:13

A lot of flack for the husband here. I don't pretend to know what is going on in your relationship, or whether he was controlling or concerned. It could be either. Only you can work out the truth.
For whatever reason, he asked you to promise, did you ask him why?
From his point of view, you either went against his wishes (bad) or dismissed his concerns and then lied about it (bad on your side) I don't think you can take a blind bit of notice about the MN opinions
Sort out what is going on between you. Some frank conversations needed. To the poster who likened it to having a tattoo on the face, would you not be furious?

limpbizkit · 06/02/2019 10:28

Also to the posters lambasting him for being on your phone... (the op already said he had legitimate reasons for being on there) if a partner has a lock on their phone their instantly a cheat or being secretive. You can't win on mumsnet! I think there's a lot of projecting going on here.

Original poster

Newtobusiness · 06/02/2019 10:42

Sorry for not replying sooner.

Morriszap
He will communicate the essentials.
"Yes" "no" "where's the baby's pjs?"

Doesn't have dinner with us, isolates himself on his laptop/phone. (Although this isn't too dissimilar to normal)

He will still do his fatherly duties but just huffy.

Gives me the death stare when the toddler is tantrum-ing (insinuating it is my fault).

I know it's not just about the lip fillers.

He's cross that I have hidden things from him, like the lip fillers for example. However looking deeper, I have only omitted this information as I was afraid of his reaction. (Not violent, but just unpleasant.) However my actions have made the situation 10x worse.
I always seem to make it worse. I'm going to really try not to sure my frustration at this silent treatment. After 4-5 days I often burst and blurt out something bitter and nasty as I'm so frustrated... But this time I'm going to really try not to.

OP posts:

mrsmuddlepies · 06/02/2019 10:46

I agree. I posted a link to a thread about a woman refusing to sleep with her husband because he grew a moustache. Most posters sided with her and suggested that if he was a loving husband he would get rid of the tache if it upset his wife.
I suppose it is an MN flaw that any topic up for discussion attracts posters who feel strongly about an issue so it can be one sided. It is hard to have a balanced discussion.
I tend to side with body autonomy. Your body, your decisions, but it is infuriating to read such contradictory opinions depending whether it is from the male or female perspective.

MorrisZapp · 06/02/2019 11:48

Are people hard of reading? Op has repeatedly updated to say her dh goes in huffs if he doesn't get sex etc.

Latest update suggests he's a somewhat disengaged father too but sure, FACE TATTOO.

OP only you know what you can put up with. He sounds really draining to live with. If you're having to jolly your kids along while silent grump radiates misery from the corner on a regular basis then he's not a great dad either, sorry.

MorrisZapp · 06/02/2019 11:49

Christ on a bike. Not sleeping with someone is the equivalent of giving them the silent treatment and ignoring your own kids?

Youknowmedontyou · 06/02/2019 12:11

This has zero to do with the Botox and everything to do with lack of honesty and his control.

You'd obviously expressed an interest for fillers, he says no, so instead of you explaining your body and your choice you lie "to keep the peace". Instead you don't "keep the peace" you just somehow make yourself look like you've done something wrong as you've gone back on your "fake promise".

Hopefully, you've now realised that you need to be honest and this type of thing gives him unfair ammunition against you.

As for how long do we think he's going to give you the silent treatment for....well god knows, but saying something spiteful to him on day 3 will give him further ammo that you're in the wrong!

TBH you both sound massively immature.

Absofuckinglutely · 06/02/2019 12:21

Your problem isn't lip fillers. Your problem is communication.

You didn't feel safe or autonomous enough to tell him, and he seems to feel he has a god given right to dictate what you do with your body and money.

He is being controlling and tyrannical in this situation. You didn't have the balls to stand up for yourself so went behind his back which was cowardly.

As for the silent treatment - fuck that. So he's going to shame you and make you feel guilty because you didn't feel safe enough to tell him?

You two better start communicating better, because a bit of filler, and even the lying is the least of your problems. It's why you felt you had to lie in the first place that's your issue.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 12:31

Hello...Man here.

If my wife told me she wanted to have lip fillers then I would happily give her my opinion (notably that I believe there are possible dangers and that I think her lips are perfect as they are). However, I would never forbid her and, if they made her happy, then who am I to tell her she can't have them done.

My only concern is over the broken promise. To me a 'promise' is ultimate (which is why I so rarely use the word and never when it is something not 100% in my control, i.e. "I promise I'll be home by 7").

If his main issue is that you had fillers done then you're entitled to tell him to do one. If he's upset because you went back on a promise then I can understand.

Gth1234 · 06/02/2019 13:30

Many women never learn they don't need to damage their bodies in this way. He was thinking of you whenever asked you not to do it.

Original poster

Newtobusiness · 06/02/2019 14:01

Absofuckinglutely

Thank you for your post. It's why you felt you had to lie in the first place that's your issue.

I think this is the point.

But I equally think PBo83 is right. I went back on a promise. In which case my problem is- that I need to not make promises in future that I cannot (Or deep down don't really want to) keep.

OP posts:

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 14:21

@Newtobusiness.

Thankyou. It really wasn't a criticism of you, personally I don't like lip fillers but it's not my body or my choice.

I know that, in the past, I've been quick to promise things and then either regret making it or, dare I say it, break it which is why I'm so careful now.

He'll get over it, I assure you. Maybe apologise for breaking the promise but say you should never have promised in the first place as it's not his decision (of course he's entitled to share his opinion though, maybe he just likes your lips as they are or was worried about the risks).

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2019 19:07

He didn't ask her.

"quick to make me to promise"

Loletta · 06/02/2019 19:58

He sounds very controlling. Not talking to you for days is unreasonable. I don't like the sound of him.

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