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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lied to my husband

125 replies

Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 21:35

I lied and therefore I am being unreasonable. But to what extent?

I promised my husband that I wouldn't ever get lip fillers. He's strongly against putting filler into my body and it's a bad idea, looks terrible e.t.c.

So when I have previously expressed interest, he was quick to make me to promise not to get filler or Botox done.

Two days ago I had lip fillers ... So I broke the promise.

He didn't actually noticed that I have had them done.
(I only had a very small amount put in. Enough so that I personally notice a difference and I'm really pleased)

He was scrolling on my phone and looked at my photos where I had taken some selfies Blush just after the treatment. I wanted to see what they looked like in a photo at different angles Blush

He saw the photos... He's not happy... he told me I am breaking the trust between us. I don't think he is going to talk to me for a week. He has form for giving the silent treatment. (I find this really cruel).

How long should I expect the silent treatment for?Is my dishonesty really that bad in the grand scheme of things?

Feeling shitty about myself. So AIBU is possibly not the best place this evening. Anyone got some constructive advice on how I can handle this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 21:57

AmIRightOrAMeringue
Silent treatment is OK if one person needs time to cool off or gather their thoughts and doesn't want to have an argument in the heat of the moment. They can say they are too angry to talk right now. Often people need to sleep on something to gain perspective.

Silent treatment for days at a time is more than this, it's a punishment for misbehaving. I'd ask if you can talk it through as nothing is being resolved while he sulks

This is good advice. I never know how to handle it. The silent treatment usually drives me a bit nuts and I boil over with frustration/anger. Which really makes me the baddie.
I think he does need find to cool off. But how long?

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 05/02/2019 21:57

I can’t stand people who sulk and give you the silent treatment. I think what your DH is doing is worse than what you did

I envy anyone who doesn't forget after 5 minutes to talk about an unrelated thing tbh, but yes it is a horrible way to treat someone.

OP, he sounds very controlling and your additional points aren't helping his side at all!

Original poster
Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 21:57

*time

Not fine

OP posts:
Kennehora · 05/02/2019 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 05/02/2019 22:01

Oh love, you really are ground down enough to lie to yourself rather than face facts if you’re going to say he was “mindlessly” flicking through your photos.

No, he was looking for something to start on you about so he could enjoy abusing you with silent treatment - and lucky him, he hit the jackpot with those lip filler photos.

I thinking lip fillers are fucking ridiculous.

I still would defend your right to have them if you choose.

Even if you promised you wouldn’t (under duress) then you are absolutely entitled to say “yeah, I promised - but it’s my body and I changed my mind”.

This is a stick to beat you with, I promise he doesn’t given a shit about lip fillers.

Get some proper advise about recognising abuse. Good luck to you Flowers

Rogueaccountant · 05/02/2019 22:04

Why did he have your phone? If you must play the game, play it right.

But you’re a dope for getting stuff squirted into your lips.

Yabbers · 05/02/2019 22:04

I cringe every time I see women walking around looking like they've been stung by a bee, or eaten something with too much chilli in it.

I assume they don’t on the OP or he would have noticed. I’m also sure part of his reason for sulking is that he was proven wrong.

You shouldn’t have agreed, nor lied about it. But, he shouldn’t have said you weren’t to get them and this to me is the biggest problem in your relationship.

theharlotletter · 05/02/2019 22:05

He sounds controlling. He punishes you with the silent treatment if you displease him. I don't for one second believe he was scrolling through your photos for innocent reasons, I think he was checking up on you. Finally, he tries to pressure you into having sex. Really, he sounds like an arse to me.

Lip fillers look ridiculous, like someone has been smacked in the mouth.

MeganBacon · 05/02/2019 22:05

It's the same as if he were a vegan but you ate meat one day without telling him but he found out. Is that also a breach of trust? For some people, yes it is, but it's not really his business in the first place.

Mum2jenny · 05/02/2019 22:05

I think you were doing what you wanted to do with your body, he didn't like it.?ok, his choice but it was your option for your face. He can just get over it.

boble1 · 05/02/2019 22:07

Why was he going through your phone though?

Good for you getting your lips done - I think they can look great.

Your lips and your money, don't let him make you feel bad about it.

xx

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2019 22:07

He pushed you into making a promise you didn't want to make and is now giving you the silent treatment because you broke a promise you should not have been forced into making!

And he didn't even notice.

And he went through your phone.

Agree with LMBad

"He sounds like a controlling prick OP, and instead of getting over this lie and realizing he was being unreasonable to demand what you do and don’t do with your body, I suspect he will hold this over you for a long time as another way to control you."

Don't let him. No more promises you don't need to make. Your body, your choice.

EhlanaOfElenia · 05/02/2019 22:08

YANBU - a promise under duress is not a promise at all. He bullied you into promising.

Put some music on your phone, put some ear buds in, listen to music and ignore him ignoring you. While he is giving you the silent treatment you don't cook for him, you don't tidy his spaces, you don't wash or iron his clothes (assuming you do these things for him). If he is giving you the silent treatment then he doesn't exist for you.

When he decides its time for the silent treatment to stop, you don't stop ignoring him unless he apologises for giving you the silent treatment. It's a form of abuse, and he needs to stop doing it.

Villanellenovella · 05/02/2019 22:09

Maybe he could get his done

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2019 22:12

Newtobusiness

"He often gives the silent treatment when he's exasperated by me. I frustrate him as I'm quite scatty and have a lot of things going on right now (good things- a baby and a toddler and a new business venture. So I have been a little stressed and busy lately.)"

"He didn't talk to me for a few days last week as he isn't satisfied with the amount we sleep together. More specifically, that I don't initiate things myself."

He sounds so lovely, how can you keep your hands off him!

Sounds like you need a serious talk. he is behaving like a controlling twat.

Villanellenovella · 05/02/2019 22:12

Or may be a tattoo on his face - his body his decision right?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 05/02/2019 22:12

It's a difficult one. I personally would not get lip fillers, however, there may be a day where I will need some kind of work done, like botox.

My husband is the same way, as he doesn't want me to ever get a nose job or boob job. I personally would think it strange looking into the mirror and see someone else's face staring at me. IDK.

Anyhoo, I would talk to him about the silent treatment, cause' I think that's emotionally abusive.

In regards to the fillers, you should tell him that you should have never promised not to get them. In the future, only make promises that you can keep.

Good luck!

Original poster
Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 22:13

I cringe every time I see women walking around looking like they've been stung by a bee, or eaten something with too much chilli in it.

This did make me laugh. My lips really don't look like that. I don't think they look much different to be honest. They were very thin before and now they are just thin 😀

Yes it was a breech of trust. But in the grand scheme of things, I think this lie (omission?) is something that should be brushed off.

Its getting me down though. This repeated silent treatment. I don't really know how to handle it correctly.

OP posts:
JimCricket · 05/02/2019 22:14

You are not being unreasonable to have fillers, your body your choice.

He is completely unreasonable to make you promise not to do it - and I don’t think you were unreasonable to do it anyway, I don’t see why he should be informed of when you decide to do something to your body? 🤷🏼‍♀️

To be honest I’d looking rid of him, he sounds like an asshole

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/02/2019 22:17

I don’t think it’s a breach of trust, you changed your mind, however you also didn’t lie to him, you just never told him.

He’s an idiot if he think silent treatment over not having sex, will lead to more sex Hmm

Badstyley · 05/02/2019 22:17

Sorry, missing the point rather, but he gives you the silent treatment because one shag a week isn’t enough? I think he’s doing rather well if you have a baby and a toddler. Can’t think why you’re not ripping his pants off.

Honestly though about the fillers, I’d tell him to do one. They’re your lips and it’s not like he even noticed, not till he went snooping through your phone that is. He sounds like a real catch.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/02/2019 22:18

Personally I’d be throwing him out, he can continue his manchild silent treatment elsewhere

Eliza9917 · 05/02/2019 22:21

I'm s up to you what you do. He can express an opinion but ultimately it's up to you.

I'd happily have liposuction, DP doesn't agree, but couldn't stop me.

If I lose the weight I've got one day I'll maybe want implants, he's free to express an opinion but ultimately it's my decision.

I want my teeth straightened, I had braces but they didn't give me the retainer for long enough and one front tooth has gone wonky again, he's got no issue with me getting that done.

My nose is a bit of centre because an ex broke it. He's got no issue with me getting that done but I'd want my nose fine a bit at the same time. He doesn't want me to change it but he's got no real say in any of it if I want any of it done because it's my body and he knows that.

He can object because it's not my natural state but at the end of the day it's up to me and he'll go with that.

It's not up to your dp what you do and he can't be an arse to you because of what you have done.

Tell him to wind his neck in.

artemisdubois · 05/02/2019 22:21

I wouldn't have made a promise I didn't feel comfortable making, but I can see how it might have been easier for you to yield to his will at an earlier date when you weren't quite in a place of actually wanting to go ahead with fillers imminently.

He absolutely shouldn't have put you in the position of promising not to do something fairly minor and reversible to your own body, but I can't imagine going ahead with botox or fillers without giving my fiancé a heads up, so I can understand on some level why it's upset him to find out after the fact. Giving you the silent treatment is pathetic, though.

Skittlesandbeer · 05/02/2019 22:23

I’d probably get more lip-filler put in, so he stopped bugging me for sex.

🦆👄