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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lied to my husband

125 replies

Newtobusiness · 05/02/2019 21:35

I lied and therefore I am being unreasonable. But to what extent?

I promised my husband that I wouldn't ever get lip fillers. He's strongly against putting filler into my body and it's a bad idea, looks terrible e.t.c.

So when I have previously expressed interest, he was quick to make me to promise not to get filler or Botox done.

Two days ago I had lip fillers ... So I broke the promise.

He didn't actually noticed that I have had them done.
(I only had a very small amount put in. Enough so that I personally notice a difference and I'm really pleased)

He was scrolling on my phone and looked at my photos where I had taken some selfies Blush just after the treatment. I wanted to see what they looked like in a photo at different angles Blush

He saw the photos... He's not happy... he told me I am breaking the trust between us. I don't think he is going to talk to me for a week. He has form for giving the silent treatment. (I find this really cruel).

How long should I expect the silent treatment for?Is my dishonesty really that bad in the grand scheme of things?

Feeling shitty about myself. So AIBU is possibly not the best place this evening. Anyone got some constructive advice on how I can handle this situation?

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 05/02/2019 22:30

The whole point of the repeated silent treatment is to get you down and drive you crazy (to use your word). Reacting to something he's doing to deliberately upset you doesn't make you worse than him, it demonstrates how cruel he is.

He gives you the silent treatment to control you. Look at you here, tripping over yourself trying to figure out how to appease him so he'll stop. Making all his excuses for him. Parroting his put downs as if they were true.

He won't stop, because control is what he wants. Even if you complied with every single thing he's currently demanding of you, he would just move the goalposts... Or narrow them. You can't reason with him, that's the point.

By the way, just so you're crystal clear, your post on his behaviour around sex is completely abnormal and unacceptable. It's coercive. But it's obviously been going on a long time gathering from the effort you're putting in to justifying yourself and explaining over and over again how you're really the bad guy. Even though you're not.

This is not normal. It is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6UML1c_V0

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 22:31

You shouldn't have promised but you haven't lied, you've broken a promise. But it sounds like you were almost pushed into a corner to agree to the promise. He's controlling you by making you make promises about your own body. And this whole not speaking to you because of this is actually quite worrying. He's trying to bully you to behave how he wants you to. I would be seriously questioning my relationship if I were you.

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/02/2019 22:31

He's controlling. So I'd leave him.

What you do about it is your business.

TatianaLarina · 05/02/2019 22:32

I agree with him about lip fillers, they mostly look dreadful. But silent treatment and orders - fuck that.

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 22:33

And I agree with a pp that you are being coerced into sex. The way you are pushed into sex is not healthy.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 22:36

I promised I wouldn't get my lips done because he thinks it looks ridiculous.

I am gonna make my husband promise not to get fat or wear ugly clothes that are not to my taste. I think that would look ridiculous.

If he does these things he obviously doesn't love me is not under my control enough and I am gonna give him the silent treatment until I wear him down and he is so sorry he never dares do anything i disapprove of again.

artemisdubois · 05/02/2019 22:40

I'd just like to add that I hadn't RTFT when I posted, so hadn't seen your update referring to the about the sulking (to put it kindly) about your sex life.

Not speaking to you for a few days because he feels dissatisfied with intimate/sexual contact several times per week (when you have a baby, toddler and business venture to deal with!) is UTTERLY unacceptable. I hope the weight of opinion here can help you to believe that.

greendale17 · 05/02/2019 22:40

Love how people are turning this on her husband

mrsmuddlepies · 05/02/2019 22:43

Anyone remember the thread with the woman who refused to have sex while her husband sported a beard. Huge support for her on the whole though there were a few posters who tried to suggest it was his body.
It is your body but your husband has the right not to like your new lips and find them unattractive.

Kennehora · 05/02/2019 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 22:44

Love how people are turning this on her husband You're right how dare we blame a man who just wants to control how his wife behaves, what surgical procedures she has done and when and in what manner she has sex with him. She married him so she's his now right?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 22:46

mrsmuddlepies i don't remmeber that thread and wouldn't ahve supported that woman but I imagine no-one told the OP to sulk and give him the silent treatment until he shaved his beard and then make him promise not to ever grow a beard again and withhold sex as a punishment whenever he forgot to shave.

mrsmuddlepies · 05/02/2019 22:49

She was already giving him the silent treatment and with holding sex. He was in the army and home on leave. I remember thinking if it was the other way round the advice would be very different. There was lots of support for her along the lines of she has to look at him etc. Anyone else remember the thread?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/02/2019 22:51

Well then she was being abusive too, that doesn't excuse Newtobusiness's DH though.

PotteryGirl · 05/02/2019 22:56

He didn't even notice the OP had had it done so it can't be that much of a 'trout pout'...if you're happy OP and you feel more confident then all power to your elbow. You haven't harmed anyone. Don't let anybody keep you down.

Your fella could have approached this so differently, he could has said I'm not keen, I'm worried if it goes wrong, is it a reputable salon etc etc but instead he told you not to have it done and that's that ..He's living with a grown woman who has her own mind, not a child. He needs to work on himself...Stand tall👍🏻

puppymouse · 05/02/2019 23:05

Jesus he sounds like a right bellend.

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 23:05

I think you need to say something along the lines of "Look, I'm very sorry that I lied and I deeply regret it. I'm also sorry that I didn't keep to my promise, but I'm equally sorry that I made the promise. What I do with my body is entirely up to me, and whilst I'll always listen to your opinion I'm making it clear here and now that I'm making no promises whatsoever about what I'll do or not do with iit in the future. But, on your part, you need to stop the silent treatment: it comes over as if either you're sulking, which is incredibly unattractive, or you're trying to punish me, which is controlling and potentially bullying. So can we just talk about this and talk like grown ups?"

And maybe somewhere along the line you can introduce the notion that trying to guilt-trip you into more sex than you want is close to the biggest turn-off a man can produce.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 23:07

"Hello Darling! Good day?...........Oh, still sulking then? Ok" and smile.

Then leave him.

combatbarbie · 05/02/2019 23:08

He made you promise not to because he thinks it looks ridiculous yet you had it done and he didn't notice......however it's fine for him to go through your phone and yet only you are in the wrong regarding trust?

limpbizkit · 05/02/2019 23:10

Rational perspective : you made a promise and you broke it. You shouldn't have made the promise in the first place (you know this though now) he's understandably pissed off thar you've done something you promised not to do and kind of hid it from him by omission. Sulking is unattractive but it's his reaction to feeling pissed off. I'm a couple of days perhaps you can both talk? It doesn't sound like he's trying to control how you look more that he's opposed to surgical enhancements. A lot of people are. I'd be cautious of being too quick on the uptake of the abuse label. Only you know if there's other behaviours that form a pattern that ends up with you fearful of him and his reactions. People sulk (rightly or wrongly) some people get eggy and sulky over lack of sex (my DH is one of them!) it doesn't mean it's the correct response. But shit happens people do and say incorrect stuff. Abuse is usually a pattern of behaviours purposefully designed to cause ill effects on thr victim. Repeating myself - only you know if there's more to it. Most marriages would be heading for divorce under the 'abuse' category by mumsnet standards. Enjoy your fillers Grin

Pinkginxx · 05/02/2019 23:11

FFS
That's all I have to contribute.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/02/2019 23:13

Hmmm, getting the lip fillers is for you not him, and you are entitled to do it - I got botox regardless of OH's views (he didnt notice to be fair). Its the lying that is the issue. I would apologise for the lying but not the fillers. He sounds a bit controlling, particularly with the silent treatment thing - its your body, your rules

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/02/2019 23:15

OP I don't think there is a way to deal with the silent treatment 'correctly'. He is doing it to punish you and wind you up til you snap and then he has more power as you have done him wrong again (in his eyes). You can't reason with someone and sort out a disagreement if one party literally refuses to speak. You speak as if there is something you can do that will stop him doing this or help him snap out of it quicker. That isn't the case. He may not be able to help his feelings (maybe lots of men would be upset their partner had a treatment they don't like the look of) but he is fully in control of his actions. He is choosing to act like this. We can't control others behaviour - we can only control our response to it. Which sounds obvious but it's really easy to forget.

I think ignoring it will be very hard but it will lessen his power over you. Treat it like you'd treat a break from the mayhem of two young kids - a time to do nice things for yourself. Keep yourself busy.

When it's over I think you need to have a talk with him not about a specific instance (as no doubt he will put it back on you as it being your fault, you started it, he made you do it) and say when you have a disagreement, you often feel ignored as he doesn't communicate much and this leaves you feeling very frustrated as you don't feel like things can be resolved while you're not talking. How does he think you can both resolve this? See if he is willing to change or compromise. Whether it's agreeing to give him overnight to calm down and discuss in the morning. Or he emails you how he is feeling if he finds it hard to talk about. Or whatever. There might be lots of things you can Google. Maybe he would attend a couple of counselling sessions to help you communicate better

I think if he refused I'd be reconsidering the relationship. You can't have a family all tiptoeing around one person who gets what they want all the time so that everyone else doesn't have to put up with a massive sulk

Japanesejazz · 05/02/2019 23:18

I’m so glad I’m single

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 05/02/2019 23:23

i get botox done and never admit it. Lucky you didnt get a trout pout. I think you should be allowed to be who and what you want. Do what you want bella, but cover your tracks... ;)