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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand my ground on not leaving the baby alone?

116 replies

genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 10:51

Hey,

This morning my husband wants to go to the Tesco up the road (about 5 mins away if you run, across a couple of busy roads) to withdraw a small amount of money that we used from the rent we had out pay my parents.

I'm at work and he is home alone with our 1 year old daughter, who is still asleep in her cot.
He can't be bothered waking/dressing/feeding her to go out, and asked if I would be ok with him running up by himself. I said no as I'm not ok with him leaving her alone in the house for so long. What if something happened? What if there was a fire? What if something happened to him? Etc etc.

He has spent the last hour and a half doing literally nothing but complaining that he can't do anything and can't get anything done, and that he's so stressed about the money (I've told him that my parents won't mind at all.. it hasn't helped. I think they would be offended if they knew he did that for that reason.) - Seriously just sitting around and telling me every so often how many times he could have gone by now.

Am I being unreasonable for not relenting and telling him to go?

Frankly there have been a lot of rude things I've been tempted to say to him today.

OP posts:

Jent13c · 05/02/2019 12:27

Missing the point here buts its 2019...he really needs to set up internet banking.

TulipsInbloom1 · 05/02/2019 12:29

I really don't think your dcs needs are being fully met by the SAHP.

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:32

Quartz - so you're allowed to say honestly looking after a child is harder sometimes than working and its neverending. and he's not allowed to express the same sentiment?

If he thought it was a breeze, you can be damned sure he was doing nothing right. Making no effort at all. But he clearly is making a lot of effort. He thought ok, I'll be gone 5 minutes, no worries, but HE DIDN'T DO THAT. He thought about it! But he consulted his partner first. I'm sure when baby is up, it's going to be full on for him, so he just wanted to get that one thing out of the way.

Every SAHM on here will tell you how full-on it is. Give him a little credit at least. And MH issues does not render you incapable of caring for a child.

SushiMonster · 05/02/2019 12:32

What was the thought process behind having a baby with this man?

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:33

Even if in your catastrophic situation something had happened him crossing the road, the baby was still safe and sound in its cot. Worst case scenario, the Mum gets a call at work to go home, and finds baby still asleep lol.

Really don't think that is LOL situation.

Until baby wakes up climbs out of the cot and falls her bangs her head and ends up in hospital with Dad, (especially if he is knocked out and can't tell anyone that DD is at home alone), in serious condition.

Also as PP have pointed out SS would rightly not be happy with someone leaving a baby at home alone.

You also didn't answer my question about if the baby woke up ill and crying for Daddy and he isn't there, what if she had a temperature and febrile convulsion?

Original poster

genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 12:35

Guys.. in my opinion he is fit and able and a great dad and we are doing what we can. DD is looked after and loved and totally fine.
Thanks for your words for and against. It's been great hearing different voices.
I've been using this place inappropriately, venting. I think my thinking is toxic a lot of the time.
I need to be more understanding and think about what I can do myself to improve the situation without being unreasonable and slagging off - and inviting criticism of - someone I love who's having a really hard time of it already. That really was awful of me.

I wouldn't mind if this was considered a troll post honestly.

OP posts:

Aenn · 05/02/2019 12:35

Being a SAHP is hard work, MH problems will only make it harder. He made an error of judgement but at least he asked you first before actually doing it. It’s is frustrating that a run there and back could be completed in under 10 mins, but preparing and taking a 1yo would possibly quadruple the time and magnify the effort x 10.
But he has to prioritise her safety always.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 12:37

Donmesswime that isnt the point - the OP says he is unable to work due to his mental health issues, so why on earth do they both think he is capable of looking after a child which as I said is far harder

Of course he is allowed to express the sentiment - every parent does but if your mental health issues render you incapable of work why do they think he is able to do this.

And how on earth do you know he is making an effort - all of her posts point to someone who isnt and for whom getting a child ready for a 5 minute walk to the shops is too much effort.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 05/02/2019 12:42

She's totally fine for now, until he does something like that and doesn't ask you next time.

If I found out my DH had left my baby alone, I'd report him myself.

LilouBlue · 05/02/2019 12:42

I'm another one here, (gently) questioning whether he is fit to be a SAHD. Not just because of this but as part of a larger pattern. As others have said, as she gets older she'll need to be going to nursery, then school, there will be parties and play dates and appointments, how is he going to manage these?

I'm a SAHM and I fully admit I'm not a natural one. Sometimes I really don't want to do the school runs or even drag myself off the sofa. But I do, because their needs come first. I complain to my husband if I've had a bad day with them but I don't call them a shackle, and much as I think to myself "it would be so easy to just nip across the road" I never actually do or would.

Is his issue with the childminder that she'd need to be got up on time and taken there?

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:43

What SS deem acceptable and what reasonable parents think acceptable are worlds apart. Don't throw that shit into the mix. They have to have to cover their arses.

Parents can make reasonable decisions.
OP, he sounds like a typical stay at home parent to me. Stressed, shackled (my new favourite word) and trying to do his best. Without waking the baby of course lol.

Tinty, can you come up with anything more disastrous to happen? You sound a little unhinged! PND? I had that. Thought a car was going to speed through traffic lights crossing the road. That hitting bumps in the path with the buggy was going to give her shaken baby syndrome. That a paedophile, was going to hunt her down and molest her. On and on and on and on it went in my head.

None of those things happened, by the Grace of God.

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 12:49

Donmesswime

What on earth. Just because nothing happened to you or your children doesn't mean nothing could happen. It is in no way a risk worth taking, and for what... some milk or something else you could easily wait a bit longer for.

JasperKarat · 05/02/2019 12:52

Of course he shouldn't leave a one year old alone, even without catastrophe, she wakes, she cries, no one comes for fifteen maybe twenty minutes. It's not an experience I'd want for my baby. He would feel less trapped by the sleeping pattern if she went to bed and got up earlier. Or as PPs have said just pop her in her pram asleep.
In the meantime one of you need internet banking and a standing order for rent

Firestars · 05/02/2019 12:54

@Donmesswime I'd 100% report you to ss. Disgusting.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2019 12:54

Yet another one wondering if this man is really capable of being a SAHP.
First of all, is his MH issue formally diagnosed and is he recieving treatment for it? While MH issues are horrible and make life difficult for the sufferer and the sufferer's family, there are people who self-diagnose 'anxiety' or 'depression' and refuse to seek treatment, when what is wrong with them is that they are selfish, lazy and manipulative and the 'treatment' they require is for everyone to indulge them and let them have their own way all the time.

If you know your H is genuinely ill and getting treatment, fair enough, but it's also fair enough for you to override him WRT getting the baby to a childminder. It will do him good as well as the baby.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2019 12:56

Also, statistically, it's not that high a risk to leave a sleeping baby for a few minutes. People used to do it all the time in the 60s and 70s and accidents were pretty rare.

OutPinked · 05/02/2019 12:56

Do your parents need the money in cash? Surely a standing order each month would be preferable to this.

Anyway, YANBU of course he can’t leave a baby alone. She probably shouldn’t be sleeping all morning at one years old anyway, doesn’t he go to toddler groups or similar with her at all? They’re usually in the morning and she should really be interacting with others by now.

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:57

Donmesswime

What SS deem acceptable and what reasonable parents think acceptable are worlds apart. Don't throw that shit into the mix. They have to have to cover their arses.

Parents can make reasonable decisions.

That will be why almost every parent who has commented on this thread has said NO, they would not leave a baby alone, and the odd parent, (you) has said it is perfectly fine. Not every parent makes reasonable decisions, ie the OP's DH thinking it is ok to leave a baby at home alone.

And don't give me your reverse psychology rubbish, he would have been gone like a shot if OP had said yes it's fine, leave baby at home alone.

londonschool · 05/02/2019 13:00

Several years ago when my son was about 8 or 9 I left him at home for a few minutes while I took my daughter to a swimming lesson (cold, rainy, he didn't want to do the walk). I arrived home, left my phone in the hall and went downstairs, a minute later I realised that I had left the phone on the hall table and went up to get it and there was a smell of smoke from the next floor up. I opened a cupboard in the wall where there were some electrics and flames shot out. Fortunately I had a fire extinguisher and I was there. It still fills me with horror, could have been a different story.

Eatmycheese · 05/02/2019 13:05

I am not especially interested in why your husband is a SAHP. I’m not interested in him at all to be frank.
What I’m interested in - no horrified by - is that a parent of a young baby would even run this through their own head let alone articulate it.

RednaxelasPony · 05/02/2019 13:05

He'd rather your baby slept so he doesn't have to be a parent?

Christ.

Maybe he needs a part time job to give him some structure and perspective.

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 13:05

Op venting is fine, but you should also talk to dp. He may end up being a great parent but hasn't got the hang of it yet
Social services set the bar very low actually, because they are busy and because they shouldn't interfere unless it's needed, in which case they try to help before taking any protective action. They may be able to offer advice, rescources. They will definately think, like everyone else here it's not safe to leave a baby.
Have you thought of activities dp can do with dc, soft play, 1 o'clock club, playgroup etc to make it less of a drag. There's probably groups for parents with mental health issues too. Good luck to you all

Eliza9917 · 05/02/2019 13:07

How much of the housework & cooking does he do OP?

Tinty · 05/02/2019 13:15

Tinty, can you come up with anything more disastrous to happen? You sound a little unhinged! PND?

My DD is 13 so I am unlikely to have PND now.
I do however have a great imagination and I have been in a house fire as I explained earlier. So yes, I could come up with many more disastrous things to happen if you leave a baby home alone. But luckily I would never do it, so none of those things would have happened to my baby from being left alone.

And no I was really lucky and never had PND, but I still worried about what could happen to my DD or DS because I love them and it is natural to worry about your babies.

It is not natural to leave a defenceless baby alone.

reetgood · 05/02/2019 13:18

I don’t think he can be unhappy with doing sahp, and rule out a childminder. You are both being given the run around by mental health issues. Sounds like that’s what’s in control here and that’s not working for you. There’s no reason that someone with mh issues can’t be a great sahp, but at the same time you have to work with reality and make decisions to ensure that you aren’t all suffering as a result of his illness. Send her to the childminder one or two days a week. It will allow him to do life stuff, maybe a bit of work on other domestic duties, some activity that supports his mental well-being.

I also agree that I’d be reflecting the question back at him. Why are you the authority here? He’s deferring to you and then sulking about it. Uncool. A response could be ‘do you think it’s ok to go the shops? That you’re asking me sounds like maybe not. You make a decision as her Dad, and take responsibility for that decision. You’re in charge when you’re at home with her!’

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