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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stand my ground on not leaving the baby alone?

116 replies

genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 10:51

Hey,

This morning my husband wants to go to the Tesco up the road (about 5 mins away if you run, across a couple of busy roads) to withdraw a small amount of money that we used from the rent we had out pay my parents.

I'm at work and he is home alone with our 1 year old daughter, who is still asleep in her cot.
He can't be bothered waking/dressing/feeding her to go out, and asked if I would be ok with him running up by himself. I said no as I'm not ok with him leaving her alone in the house for so long. What if something happened? What if there was a fire? What if something happened to him? Etc etc.

He has spent the last hour and a half doing literally nothing but complaining that he can't do anything and can't get anything done, and that he's so stressed about the money (I've told him that my parents won't mind at all.. it hasn't helped. I think they would be offended if they knew he did that for that reason.) - Seriously just sitting around and telling me every so often how many times he could have gone by now.

Am I being unreasonable for not relenting and telling him to go?

Frankly there have been a lot of rude things I've been tempted to say to him today.

OP posts:

TotHappy · 05/02/2019 12:05

I have done this - popped to ships in car when baby napping - bit younger than one I think, too young to pull herself up and therefore fall out of the cot. Did feel guilty. Did it maybe three times tops. He asked you and it seems abided by your decision - I think it's good that although he disagreed he didn't overrule you. And I can see why you said no. But omg the stress of him putting it all on you and then hounding you about it! The stress of him being in charge while you're not there but apparently not really in control as he hates it! I'm sorry op.

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 12:07

Cross post with your update. There! He's done the right thing, why do you feel bad?

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:08

Tinty, I've stated up thread that I have popped across to the shop across the road while dd was sleeping soundly. There was no portable heater on, no pot boiling over, no eagle coming in the window (ala Friends), no potential hazard. 5 mins max. It was a calculated 'risk' if you want to call it that. The alternative would have been to wake her, bundle her into buggy, haul her out into the cold, disrupt her sleep, her routine etc.
My childminder had 6 kids of her own and minded 3. They were like the Brady bunch times 2. They were always out of sight, but the little ones were looked after by the bigger ones.

No tragedy befell her. She's alive and kicking and now sleeps 10pm to 7am at 14 and until 11am at weekends. Still loves her sleep!

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:10

I'm going to conclude not. I think I was selfish. No you were not selfish you have the best interests of your Daughter at heart.

At the end of all this he had to wait an hour and he has gone now, so did he really need to go out and leave baby alone? No, he just had to wait a bit, or as other posters said, he could have woken her and taken her or just popped her into the pram asleep and taken her.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2019 12:10

But of course. He has mental health difficulties, he can't work and hates being a SAHD and can't apparently be trusted to look after one baby safely. Perfect parent and partner material. Well done.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 12:11

Hold on everyone is telling you were right and she was too young to be left and you feel it wasn’t an argument you should have had and you feel bad

Honestly with his mental health and your relationship clearly as it it when you do everything to appease him why did you bring a poor defenceless child into this

Your priority now has to be your daughter remember thay

PinaColada1 · 05/02/2019 12:11

Yanbu

Also he seems to be restless and just wanting to get out. Getting money is not urgent. Nip that in the bud!

Eliza9917 · 05/02/2019 12:11

She goes to sleep late at night, no real pattern unfortunately. I would like one, but cannot be there to create one.

So you work all hours - how many jobs do you have OP? - while he sits about at home and can't even get your child up in the day and get her in a proper routine?

I tried to persuade him to have her childminded for just half a day a week. Nope.

Why does what he says go?

WaxMyBalls · 05/02/2019 12:12

TBF headsdown I think a 12 hour bloc at night is pretty normal for a 1 year old. Doing it from 11 to 11 less so, but plenty of them seem to do 7 til 7 or something of that nature, plus an hour or so nap in the afternoon. NHS seems to think 13.5 hours a day is needed for this age group.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sleep-and-tiredness/how-much-sleep-do-kids-need/#12-months

Mine have always tended to have a bit less but a 12 hour overnight sleep doesn't seem abnormal.

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:13

Tinty. He's the Dad. Once he takes control, he'll step up.

ExFury · 05/02/2019 12:13

Don’t feel guilty. You made the right call.

I’m currently in a leg cast from breaking my ankle coming out of s shop you can see from my house. A twat on a bike cycled into me. Couldn’t foresee it.

He can make your baby 99% safe at home, but he can’t make himself totally safe!

Also don’t worry too much about the routine if it works for you. When my two were toddlers I was still in a routine of sleep from nightshift and their dad worked nights. My youngest slept 2am-noon. It was unconventional, but worked for us. Gradually we moved to a more standard routine as the girls got bigger in prep for school.

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 12:13

Yes you should die on the hill to protect your child. If health visitor or social services get wind of baby left alone they will investigate and tell you it's a big fat no. He obvs has problems structuring his time and a baby will not help. I had friends who worked in theatre, baby and parents went to bed and got up late, it was fine.

Eliza9917 · 05/02/2019 12:13

Tinty as much as I share those fears, it's somewhat of a slippery slope fallacy - no he's never going to think it's ok to leave her alone for half an hour, or even this often on a regular basis, and there's never going to be any fire hazards left on. I just wasn't ok with even this much.. but was it a hill I should be willing to die on?

I'm going to conclude not. I think I was selfish.

I take it this is a troll thread then?

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:14

@Donmesswime

Across the road to the shop for 5 mins is not the same as running across 2 roads to Tesco, what would happen if he got hit by a car whilst he ran across the road (catastrophising I know), but not unheard of.

I still wouldn't have left baby to pop across the road but would be sorely tempted if it was that close.

tirisfalpumpkin · 05/02/2019 12:16

OP - I think your instinct not to allow her to be left alone was right.

Very tough situation, though. Can empathise to an extent as my H also has MH problems. Is there any prospect of his MH improving so he can share the SAHP role more equally / outsource it? I think the posters saying the current situation isn’t safe have got a point.

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:18

Even if in your catastrophic situation something had happened him crossing the road, the baby was still safe and sound in its cot. Worst case scenario, the Mum gets a call at work to go home, and finds baby still asleep lol.
People are strange these days about babies.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/02/2019 12:20

In his position, I would have popped my sleeping daughter in her pram. popped to the shop, job done. Surely most parents would. Really no big deal.

If his mental health issues are such that he cant work, then realistically, can he competently look after a child? Because she is only going to get more demanding. You cant have a two or three year old sleeping in until 11; they need to be accessing playgroups and nursery.

I would question whether he is providing her with enough stimulation. I would worry about the terrible twos phase. "Fucking shackle" is pretty emotive language. I wouldn't use it to describe your baby though, (possibly your partner).

Raspberry88 · 05/02/2019 12:21

The alternative would have been to wake her, bundle her into buggy, haul her out into the cold, disrupt her sleep, her routine etc.

Or you could have gone to the shops before or after nap time maybe?? Not that difficult to plan ahead and I'm pretty forgetful!

GenericHamster · 05/02/2019 12:21

If he's calling her a shackle then I think you need to look at childminding for her whether he agrees or not. Then he could pop out to the shops or carry on doing nothing without the responsibility for his tiny human.

3luckystars · 05/02/2019 12:21

If he doesn't have a job, then this is his job.

It sounds very hard for you. Dont doubt yourself, not for a second, no matter what he says or how much he badgers you. He is not at full strength so you need to be very strong at all times with regards your daughter.

Good luck.

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:22

Christ. How is the baby not safe?

What it sounds like here is a very, what's the word, unconfident? Dad relying on his partner to make decisions for him.

Give him a little trust and he'll make the right decision.

If he rings with similar, gently ask him back? "I don't know, what do you think yourself?"

And being a SAHP IS the hardest job in the world. If you're doing it half right.

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 12:23

Seriously just sitting around and telling me every so often how many times he could have gone by now.

Ask him what's stopping him. He could have had your child up and dressed and gone there and back several times over by now.

Mmmhmmm · 05/02/2019 12:25

I don't think you were selfish to stand your ground. Many babies and small children have died in minutes in household accidents and you never know when they'll start scaling their cot.

Our 9 month old regularly takes 3 hour naps, she won't sleep in a car seat or pushchair so I'm stuck until she wakes up. I just get on with it and run my errands around her nap routine.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 12:25

OP are you 100% sure he is capable of being safe with you - I know its frowned upon by I looked at other posts and the one you made about who you love more is telling.

So if you honestly do love her more you need to look at this situation because at 1 being without routine and a dad who is moping because he is shackled to her. Because honestly looking after a child is harder sometimes than working and its neverending. He doesnt sound as if he either wants to or can do it

NotANotMan · 05/02/2019 12:27

Is he actually fit and able to be a SAHD?

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