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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stand my ground on not leaving the baby alone?

116 replies

genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 10:51

Hey,

This morning my husband wants to go to the Tesco up the road (about 5 mins away if you run, across a couple of busy roads) to withdraw a small amount of money that we used from the rent we had out pay my parents.

I'm at work and he is home alone with our 1 year old daughter, who is still asleep in her cot.
He can't be bothered waking/dressing/feeding her to go out, and asked if I would be ok with him running up by himself. I said no as I'm not ok with him leaving her alone in the house for so long. What if something happened? What if there was a fire? What if something happened to him? Etc etc.

He has spent the last hour and a half doing literally nothing but complaining that he can't do anything and can't get anything done, and that he's so stressed about the money (I've told him that my parents won't mind at all.. it hasn't helped. I think they would be offended if they knew he did that for that reason.) - Seriously just sitting around and telling me every so often how many times he could have gone by now.

Am I being unreasonable for not relenting and telling him to go?

Frankly there have been a lot of rude things I've been tempted to say to him today.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/02/2019 11:46

To those who say babies don't sleep that long - my husband's niece's child did. She had to wake her to feed her.

TeenTimesTwo · 05/02/2019 11:48

I'm probably missing something.
Why does she need to be woken/dressed/fed anyway?
Why not bung her in the pram, cover in blankets, and go out?
Take a bottle/snack along if needed.

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 11:49

The biggest shock of my life was how shackled (hadn't thought of that word before to describe it) I felt with a baby. I literally felt shackled. You can't do anything without dragging the beloved but annoying shackle with you. So I get him.

I would give him the choice. Don't make it your decision. It's his.

I've popped to the shop occasionally (take the same amount of time as taking a quick shower i.e. less than five minutes).

I know I'm not supposed to admit that here, but I have done.

Crunchymum · 05/02/2019 11:50

I assuming baby is napping, not still sleeping from last night??? Shock

Just to echo everyone else. He sounds like a useless, cocklodger!!

Original poster
genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 11:50

He's not happy as a SAHD. He's called being one "the worst thing in the world."
He doesn't want us to put her in daycare at all. I tried to persuade him to have her childminded for just half a day a week. Nope.
I don't think he would be able to work even if she was looked after. He has not worked since long before we had her. I believe he cannot be expected to and it's not his fault. (Mental health reasons.)
She goes to sleep late at night, no real pattern unfortunately. I would like one, but cannot be there to create one.

I honestly wish I had a better plan going forward than to just push on. This is just one of those days.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 05/02/2019 11:50

To those who say babies don't sleep that long - my husband's niece's child did.

Typical 1 year olds don't go to bed sleep all night and then remain sleeping until 11am. Even if the OP put her to bed ridiculously late at 11pm which seems unlikely she has been asleep for 12+ hours and that's not including day time naps. Surely any parent whose child was sleeping regularly for that long without waking would be seeking medical attention and I would hope that's what you DH Niece did.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2019 11:51

Surely your parents could mind your dd for the 5 mins when they arrive. Does he understand you are the only breadwinner here and he’s wasting your time??

Doesn’t sound like a great catch or the sharpest tool in the box.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2019 11:52

Cross post. I see he has mh problems. Is he getting help with this?

Handsoffmysweets · 05/02/2019 11:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Notmorewashing · 05/02/2019 11:53

Why is she asleep at 10.50????? He needs to take her out

Original poster
genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 11:53

Thanks for the refreshing perspective Donmesswime - I think it should be his choice. Just because I can't be the exact mum I wanted to be doesn't mean I can steamroll all of that, and all of his parenting.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 05/02/2019 11:54

That's scary. YANBU. Keep a close eye on this OP, sounds like he isn't taking this parenting thing seriously enough. Your poor DD :(

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 05/02/2019 11:55

Your dd has missed a meal...

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 11:56

My dd would sleep 8pm to 7am and her first nap of the day would be at 10am. The girl just liked to sleep!

Handsoffmysweets · 05/02/2019 11:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Tinty · 05/02/2019 11:58

I would give him the choice. Don't make it your decision. It's his.

Don't do this, it is not his decision. You do not leave a baby at home on its own ever. If you give him the choice to do this, it will be 10 mins today, half an hour tomorrow then he will just leave her alone for hours if he gets away with it. No rational person would leave a baby on their own ever.

My friends portable heater caught fire in an upstairs bedroom whilst we were watching TV one evening, I had to get her, her baby and the dog out of the house. What would have happened if we had popped out for 20 minutes and left baby asleep in those circumstances?

TearingUpMyHeart · 05/02/2019 12:00

Is your dd being well looked after by him in general? Making good progress and meeting milestones? Childcare might be better for her as well as him if he can't cope.

Original poster
genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 12:01

He's taken her out with him. End of thread I guess? Already feel like I should have just said yes..

OP posts:
Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:01

Tinty, by giving him the choice, you are giving him the choice. I guarantee you he will make the one the OP wants. But it's his choice and it gives him back more control.

Kinda reverse psychology.

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:02

If you had a Nanny would you be happy if she popped out for half an hour and left the baby alone? Or if you put her into childcare would you be happy with them going out for half an hour and leaving your baby on her own?

Would you leave your little baby at home on her own? What happens if she wakes up and is sick and she cries for Daddy and he isn't there?

Donmesswime · 05/02/2019 12:02

Crossed posts! Let him make decisions. Trust that he'll make the right ones. You might be surprised.

VimFuego101 · 05/02/2019 12:03

I'm a pretty lax parent but I'm shocked that anyone would think of doing this. OP, I think you have a big issue here. How does he care for her in general? And why is she sleeping in for so long?

Original poster
genericmumsy · 05/02/2019 12:05

Tinty as much as I share those fears, it's somewhat of a slippery slope fallacy - no he's never going to think it's ok to leave her alone for half an hour, or even this often on a regular basis, and there's never going to be any fire hazards left on. I just wasn't ok with even this much.. but was it a hill I should be willing to die on?

I'm going to conclude not. I think I was selfish.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 12:05

Put her with a minder one day or two half days a week, someone mature who can support his parenting. Then he gets a break. She will get quality care. Sounds like he could use parentcraft classes but seems he's not cut out for the sahp job full time. Your dc is not getting best care, sorry op. Presume you are breadwinner and can't reduce hours. It's hard.

Tinty · 05/02/2019 12:05

@Donmesswime

But you can't actually guarantee that can you? He could be the kind of Dad that decides he has the mothers permission to leave baby alone and if anything happens then it is her fault for saying it is his choice.

Plus you said you gave yourself the choice and you left your baby.

So actually you consider it fine to leave a baby alone.

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