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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and Ps still expect me to organise their lives!

93 replies

Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:03

Ex walked out nearly two years ago. Needed space blah blah (other woman). That relationship has since gone south, there’s no one else as far as I know.

Sold the house and split the proceeds. I bought a tiny flat. Ex gave his parents the address and telephone number because he’s a twat.

When we were together I was the one to make all the arrangements for his family to visit. For some reason they don’t communicate with him. I don’t do that anymore and have told them yet they still ring and tell me to tell ex they are coming to town. They once turned up on my doorstep and I had to tell them to leave because I was putting DS to bed. They know ex walked out, I have no idea why they are hassling me. If they want to see DS they can see him when ex has him.

Ex has now sent an angry text. He’s annoyed that I didn’t tell him his parents were coming down 😂. He’s in his 40s, nothing to do with me anymore, and he expects me to tell him stuff about his parents?!

I might send a cease and desist letter to them. Is that U? I know they are older and might not know any better but I’m not putting up with angry texts because they won’t speak to their own son.

OP posts:
CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 05/02/2019 10:08

YANBU. I am astounded his parents don't get it. You ex is an A grade twat, they are as bad as each other. I would send a laughing emojii to your ex. That text doesn't even warrant a reply. His parents need it spelling out so a letter sounds a good idea as they aren't listening to you

MimiSunshine · 05/02/2019 10:13

I second sending these emojis to the ex 🤨😂
Then next time his parents get in Touch ID just say to them that as they’re aware he walked out in you two years ago so his docualmabd family engagements are no longer your business.

If they really are that dim and say ‘so are you going to let him know’ just say no.

MimiSunshine · 05/02/2019 10:13

*docualmabd????
I meant social and family

newnameforthis7 · 05/02/2019 10:16

LOL at that type Mimi! Grin

Yeah OP. YANBU. If they keep bugging you and they mean nothing to you, and you have no children with their son, you owe them nothing. You could just tell them to stop bothering you and never contact you again, and if they persist, then get a cease and desist letter yes. I would.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 05/02/2019 10:16

I'd want my son to have a relationship with his grandparents if my ex was to useless to organise that then I would for the sake if my son. I would not be passing on messages to my ex , they can sort there own arrangements

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 05/02/2019 10:16

Look at getting their numbers barred from your phones.

And i would be blunt with them - their son walked out, they can liaise with him directly as it is not your responsibility, and they can see kids during his contact.

newnameforthis7 · 05/02/2019 10:16

I spelt TYPO wrong. What are the odds?!!! Shock

newnameforthis7 · 05/02/2019 10:17

Sorry, I see you DID have a child with this man.

But yeah as you said, they can see him when he is with your ex/their son.

Drum2018 · 05/02/2019 10:18

Text the parents today to request that they contact ex from now on if they wish to visit him. Then block the parents numbers. There is no reason for you to engage with them if you don't wish to do so. Are they aware of the circumstances of their son leaving you? Or are they just dim, thinking that they can intrude on your life?

SillyLittleBiscuit · 05/02/2019 10:21

I'd email all parties and state that since H walked out you are no longer willing to act as go between and any future messages about contact and/or meeting up will be ignored. Then block the parents.

Bloody pitas.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 10:24

I agree with all of the above apart from the fact that is this the only way for DS to see his grandparents -

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:25

They are aware of what happened. They are either pretending it didn’t or know that I’m more reliable when it comes to making arrangements. I have already told them not to contact me about their son. I think I will send a legal letter, it might ram it home.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 05/02/2019 10:28

You certainly don't need to act as a go between for him and his parents, but if he does nothing to facilitate any contact between your DC and their grandparents, and you get along with them, and they are good to your DC, then I'd be willing to make some arrangements for them to spend time with the DC.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:32

Quartz2208 Ex sees DS whenever he wants, just has to let me know so I can be in. His parents only visit about every three months, how hard is it? His Ps don’t Skype or anything.

If his Ps were asking me for information about DS it would be different. But they never have. It’s their own son they want me to tell them about and pass messages to!

OP posts:
GertrudeWilloughby · 05/02/2019 10:37

I am not and never was ex's secretary. You need to contact him directly. Goodbye.

TheFifthKey · 05/02/2019 10:37

My exH lives 4000 miles away and his parents 100 miles away. They do not talk to me at all (because I left him and I'm evil) - even to say hello if I pick DC up from their house. They certainly would never call or FaceTime the DC, although the children talk to exH almost every day.

On FIL's birthday, for example, exH will say to the DC "did you send Grandad a card? Did you call him?" DC are 5 and 7 so clearly what he means is did I facilitate these. I never engage. Why on earth is all this my responsibility? They certainly never offer childcare or any help or support to me at all, so I feel no guilt at them "missing out".

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 10:43

stop with the seeing whenever he wants - get a schedule in place. Send through to the grandparents and say this is when he is with their son

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:46

TheFifthKey

On FIL's birthday, for example, exH will say to the DC "did you send Grandad a card? Did you call him?"

What the actual... ?!

I bet ex’s parents no longer get Christmas and birthday cards or presents because I don’t do them, from DS or ex.

I just don’t get why they don’t have a relationship with their own son. They speak to their daughter everyday. Is it just woman’s work?

OP posts:
Consolidatedyourloins · 05/02/2019 10:47

I'm glad you don't engage with this nonsense, OP.

And @theFifithKey , your DH is a CF expecting you to sort birthday cards for his parents from DC!!

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:49

Quartz2208 That’s not my job. When ex changes his days do I have to let them know that as well?

Easier not to have a schedule due to ex’s odd shifts.

But as I said this isn’t about access to ds for his gps. They expect me to sort their arrangements with their son.

OP posts:
user1486915549 · 05/02/2019 10:54

Your access arrangements with your ex sound a bit vague
If you sort out proper regular access with your ex for DS
then grandparents can see your DS when he is with his dad.
Then block them. Not up to you to carry on with all the wife work.

callieisdoingit · 05/02/2019 10:55

I don't think you need to spend money on a solicitors letter. Send one final text to say any future contact has to be between them, then block their numbers, emails, social media etc.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 11:05

user1486915549 His job is medical and he’s on call a lot. It really is easier not to have a set schedule atm anyway.

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 05/02/2019 11:16

DH moans occasionally about how seldom we see his family. "organise it then!" is my standard response. And we're married!

His response is "But I don't know when we're free" to which I say, "We have a family diary, consult it." No come back from that.

Like hell would I be organising everything if we weren't together.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 11:19

All he needs to do is take leave when his ps say they are visiting. Not hard. But when we lived together he was used to not doing that knowing that if he was called out (on times he’s on call at home) I would be there for ds and to entertain his ps. He likes to save his leave for holidays. It that’s hard luck now. B

OP posts:
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