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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and Ps still expect me to organise their lives!

93 replies

Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:03

Ex walked out nearly two years ago. Needed space blah blah (other woman). That relationship has since gone south, there’s no one else as far as I know.

Sold the house and split the proceeds. I bought a tiny flat. Ex gave his parents the address and telephone number because he’s a twat.

When we were together I was the one to make all the arrangements for his family to visit. For some reason they don’t communicate with him. I don’t do that anymore and have told them yet they still ring and tell me to tell ex they are coming to town. They once turned up on my doorstep and I had to tell them to leave because I was putting DS to bed. They know ex walked out, I have no idea why they are hassling me. If they want to see DS they can see him when ex has him.

Ex has now sent an angry text. He’s annoyed that I didn’t tell him his parents were coming down 😂. He’s in his 40s, nothing to do with me anymore, and he expects me to tell him stuff about his parents?!

I might send a cease and desist letter to them. Is that U? I know they are older and might not know any better but I’m not putting up with angry texts because they won’t speak to their own son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 13:03

I’m not denying contact. They have never asked me for contact. They ask, or actually TELL, me to tell their son that they are coming to visit. They rarely ask about ds directly. I assume their telling me they are coming down is their indirect way of saying they will see ds but who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 13:07

I wonder what the people at his fancy medical shift working job would think if they knew he expects his ex to let him know when his mum’s coming to town?!!

I often think this! If there was a way to send messages from mommy via his work, I would, but the phones are all for emergency use.

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 05/02/2019 13:12

Why don't they have his details already? They are HIS PARENTS...? Definitely pass all details on, it doesn't affect you in any way when he sees them so it's utterly pointless drawing you in - unless your ex actually wants to mither you needlessly?

swampytiggaa · 05/02/2019 13:16

Tell them you have a new number. Give them xh’s number. Then block them 🙂

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 13:17

TheNoodlesIncident

They have got his details!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 05/02/2019 13:20

I wouldn’t block them but I would be extremely firm and point out that their son leaving you for another woman ended your obligations and you WILL NOT pass on messages.

margotsdevil · 05/02/2019 13:36

I'm with the OP here in that she's being completely reasonable to expect her ex to facilitate contact with his own family.

I did wonder a bit about the other PP though who refuses to facilitate a birthday card from her DC to their paternal grandparents when their dad lives 4000 miles away... yes it's a pain but it feels a bit petty, sorry - the logistics of that are a bit ridiculous.

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2019 13:46

That's actually quite weird. He doesn't want you but he wants you to act as his personal secretary because he can't be bothered to be an adult.

Don't block his parents. Just be very firm with his parents that it's up to their son to arrange for them to see your DS. And be firm with your exP that his parents aren't your responsibility. Let him stand on his own two feet.

MulticolourMophead · 05/02/2019 13:48

I have no idea why they are hassling me

Because they are expecting you to carry on with the Wifework, clearly. And so is your ex. Definitely time to tell all of them it's no longer happening.

theworldistoosmall · 05/02/2019 13:48

Group text - I have sent this group text to remind you for the final time I an not his personal assistant. I will not be passing on messages between X and pils. You need to organise this between you all and leave me out of it.

They show up at the door - Hi, sorry no one by that name here - and close the door.

Lweji · 05/02/2019 13:56

If there was a way to send messages from mommy via his work, I would, but the phones are all for emergency use.

Actually, maybe ring them a few times with messages from his parents and perhaps he'll be told off and realise it's not on.

Oh, when they text you saying they're going, text them back with "Please tell your son that I got a message from his parents saying they're coming".

Panicwiththebisto · 05/02/2019 14:01

"Can you tell my ex that his parents are coming to see him and I haven't been his his social secretary for 2 years"

SurvivingCBeebies · 05/02/2019 14:03

I loved my ex's parents when my eldest DD was young and used to deal with them directly all the time... they would babysit at the drop of a hat etc... I had an independent relationship with them with the ex out the loop... it worked really well for us

badirene · 05/02/2019 14:07

unless your ex actually wants to mither you needlessly

Seems like that is exactly what he wants, a little reminder that you are no longer part of his extended family as he fucked of with another woman but he wants you to continue to do his running around. He thinks you are sill obliged to do his grunt work for him.

In your position OP I would contact his parents and tell them that you are changing your phone number, pass along the number of the OW and let her deal with it, but then again I am a cunt.

StormTreader · 05/02/2019 14:08

Once people have found the easiest way to do something and/or someone who can be relied on to "just sort it", it takes a very long time to break that reflex of being the default option.

All you can do now is be steadfast in facilitating NOTHING and be clear that a text to you is basically a wasted text - they'll be very annoyed but they'll learn eventually.

MerdedeBrexit · 05/02/2019 14:26

I'm with badirene. Only way to go. Except he's not now with the OW, of course, so that wouldn't actually work. How about telling his parents you've changed your number and give them his?
Are they calling you and leaving you messages because you have an answerphone/voice mail service and he doesn't, or are they actually expecting you to answer the phone and take a message? Because if they are ringing you and speaking to you, you really do have to tell them again that you are not the go-between for them and their own son, and from then on, never answer it when they call you unless your son is with his father and they might be ringing you for a reason related to their grandson. Would that work?

MerdedeBrexit · 05/02/2019 14:28

Sorry, should have been: How about telling his parents you've changed your number and give them his?

Lweji · 05/02/2019 14:31

Other option: tell his sister to tell him that his parents have a message for him.

Or tell his sister to tell her parents not to send messages to your ex via you.

In any case, whatever you do, keep not passing on the messages. They'll learn.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 05/02/2019 15:07

@TheFifthKey How bloody cheeky 😮 Good on you for not rising to it.

As for you OP, just try and be strong. These people are total nit wits who don’t deserve you running around like their secretary. If any of them want to see your DS then they need to make the effort.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 15:41

His sister doesn’t speak directly to him, she does everything through her mother. They’re a very odd family.

Tempted to write back “I’ve told your parents you walked out and they have to deal with Claire* now” even though I know Claire walked out months ago. And to send “Your son walked out on me and ds when he met a woman called Claire. It is her you need to contact with your travelling arrangements from now on” and putting a link to her Facebook page.

*not real name

Won’t do any good but they’ll all get a reminder of what he did everytime they text.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 15:43

Why would you say Claire rather than him - that is passing it to another woman? Please dont involve her in it

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 15:45

For the reason given.
And she actually involved herself with me by shagging my ex in my bed.

Plus I’ve said him for two fucking years.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/02/2019 15:48

But by doing that you are saying the woman in his life should be doing it rather than himself - who should be doing it

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 15:50

That’s what his parents expect. Not my problem.

OP posts:
callieisdoingit · 05/02/2019 15:53

I just don't understand why your dragging this out. Like PP send them one last text to deal with their son and then block them, simple. Your making it bigger then it needs to be.

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