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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and Ps still expect me to organise their lives!

93 replies

Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 10:03

Ex walked out nearly two years ago. Needed space blah blah (other woman). That relationship has since gone south, there’s no one else as far as I know.

Sold the house and split the proceeds. I bought a tiny flat. Ex gave his parents the address and telephone number because he’s a twat.

When we were together I was the one to make all the arrangements for his family to visit. For some reason they don’t communicate with him. I don’t do that anymore and have told them yet they still ring and tell me to tell ex they are coming to town. They once turned up on my doorstep and I had to tell them to leave because I was putting DS to bed. They know ex walked out, I have no idea why they are hassling me. If they want to see DS they can see him when ex has him.

Ex has now sent an angry text. He’s annoyed that I didn’t tell him his parents were coming down 😂. He’s in his 40s, nothing to do with me anymore, and he expects me to tell him stuff about his parents?!

I might send a cease and desist letter to them. Is that U? I know they are older and might not know any better but I’m not putting up with angry texts because they won’t speak to their own son.

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 05/02/2019 11:23

Well considering their son, are you really surprised at how dim they are?

Just block them and go down the lawyer route if they continue from that.

Tentomidnight · 05/02/2019 11:27

Omfg, what planet are your ex and his parents on? Send them a group text introducing them all to each other and tell them that you are bowing out now and will no longer be involved in their family arrangements.
Then block his parents.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 11:29

Never occurred to me to block them, they are ds’s grandparents.

OP posts:
ohohoops · 05/02/2019 11:32

My PIL tried to make my ex-SIL responsible for all arrangements about seeing their children after their son (my husband's brother) left her for another women. They just didn't seem to see it was unreasonable and blamed her for "not making any effort to let them see them". I think it is entirely a "woman's work" thing - my PIL looked slightly offended when I suggested they should maybe try to arrange contact through their son (and they usually pretty reasonable).

You are entirely in the right to not do it regarding either your ex or your child. I wouldn't reply to any messages - they already know your position. And if you inconvenience them enough you will stop being the "reliable" one and they will stop contacting you.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/02/2019 11:36

Send one more text today saying that they are never to contact you again. If they show up at your door you won't be opening it.
And then block them. If Ex ever says anything tell him to grow up and they are basically dead to you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/02/2019 11:40

docualmabd????
I meant social and family

Nice to know I'm not thinly one autocorrect hates, Mimi

Grin
ChristmasFlary · 05/02/2019 11:45

My XH had to be reminded that the day he left for OW, was the day "Wife work" stopped.

I would not in your case be facilitating any contact.

I get on well with my ex inlaws, and still see them but all gifts from the children to them are now up to their Dad. I buy my own just from me.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 11:45

I like the idea of being unreliable to them. Smile

OP posts:
FaithFrank · 05/02/2019 11:47

Never occurred to me to block them, they are ds’s grandparents.

You said they never contact you to ask for information about ds or about access. They see him when he is with his father. You have no reason or desire to be in touch with them. Completely reasonable to send one last message and them block them.

MerdedeBrexit · 05/02/2019 11:49

docualmabd????
I meant social and family

Nice to know I'm not thinly one autocorrect hates, Mimi

As amply evidenced above, SchadenfreudePersonified Grin

WaxMyBalls · 05/02/2019 12:04

Lmao

SushiMonster · 05/02/2019 12:09

“Why are you contacting me? You are aware that your son walked out on me two years ago? Why on earth would you contact me in order to pass a message onto him?? If you want to see your grandchild, make arrangements with your son directly.”

Skittlesandbeer · 05/02/2019 12:14

Um how can you ‘block them’ when you know they could be looking after your kid(s) while they are on ex’s contact time? Surely you need to offer them every opportunity to get in touch with you if your kid needs you, or something happens? Even if it’s just for your kid to call to say goodnight or to confirm arrangements (drop off or medication, etc)?

If your ex is unreliable, it’s even more reason to keep contact lines open with the grandparents. Yours isn’t a ‘block them’ problem, it’s a ‘state clear boundaries and stick to them’ problem.

Hotterthanahotthing · 05/02/2019 12:14

Next time they try it say no,give them his phone number and block.You can always write down their number in case you need it in the future.

PinaColada1 · 05/02/2019 12:16

Sounds like my Ex. Just tell him not to ask it’s between him and his parents. Ignore further whining.

I wouldn’t send a formal letter yet.

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 12:19

I have no idea why they are hassling me

Have you asked them? What do they say?

ohohoops · 05/02/2019 12:21

I think it is fine to block them. I wouldn't send them a message to say you are doing it though unless you particularly want to. You are not actively not doing something you are "supposed" to (as they all think). You are just not engaging with something that is nothing to do with you.

You can always unblock them in a year or so when they have got used to making their own arrangements!

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 12:31

I wouldn't block, just ignore. Why can't they all text each other, strange.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2019 12:33

If the irregular contact between X and DS is working out OK, there's no need to insist on changing it - someone who works shifts and/or is on call needs a more flexible arrangement.
As to the grandparents, if they only ever contact you regarding their son rather than their grandson, I would a send them one more message, firmly pointing this out and b just ignore them in future.

Lweji · 05/02/2019 12:40

Have you replied to his text?

I'd reply with "Could you please tell your parents to arrange with you directly when they come to visit?"
Then send a text to exPILs with "Could you please tell exH that I'm not responsible for his relationship with his parents? Or for letting him know when they arrive?"

Lweji · 05/02/2019 12:41

Also send him their phone number, and send them his.

needsahouseboy · 05/02/2019 12:49

I can understand you not wanting to be a go between between ex and his parents but think its a bit harsh to block them.

Have you actually asked them if they want to see your son and how they want to arrange that if they do? My ex doesn't see his son, another one that went off with OW! His family didn't see DS for 6 years at ex's request. They now want to and said so to DS, just because my ex is a fucking selfish twat doesn't give me the right to deny DS to see his grandparents no matter how much I hate them. They probably see him once every few months and don't call him very often but at least he sees them.

Just send a very clear message that if they want to see your DS then to contact you but if it is about their own DS then they need to speak to them directly. Its unfair to deny your DS contact with his grandparents because their own son is an idiot.

Original poster
Bobblehatted · 05/02/2019 12:54

Haven’t replied to text and won’t. He must know it’s ridiculous.

I might just send them each other’s details! Right

OP posts:
Legohell · 05/02/2019 12:59

Its unfair to deny your DS contact with his grandparents because their own son is an idiot.

Op isn’t doing that.

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/02/2019 13:02

I think not engaging is the correct way to go. They’ll get the message eventually, right? Might take another couple of years but if you simply don’t do anything they will eventually start. If you actually say you’re not going to do it, they will continue to expect you to and think you are very unreasonable for refusing. If you just remain silent on the matter, they don’t get fuel for their fire.

I wonder what the people at his fancy medical shift working job would think if they knew he expects his ex to let him know when his mum’s coming to town?!!

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