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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to only want sex once a week, on a specific day?

93 replies

livingaftermidnight · 03/02/2019 14:26

My DH has a higher sex drive than me, he always has but especially now we have a 1 year old - mine has taken a bit of a beating. I also suffer with bad anxiety so I am tired and emotional a lot.

I work on Mon/Tues so I am knackered so I've told him these days are a write off for me - I have to be extremely UNtired to get in the mood. Wed, Thur, Fri I stay home with DS and I'm a little tired / grumpy usually and just want some space. Weekends are good.

It was agreed that whenever he needed to he would ahem relieve himself and that was fine - I'd just prefer not to know about it. This was working well but now I've noticed he never wants it when I do (usually Sat) and he says its because he's "taken care of it..." Just feel like we're a bit doomed really, its been over 2 months now and I feel like we're drifting apart a bit.

Also, I think I hold a fair bit of resentment towards him because I do a hell of a lot more of the childcare / household chores / anything that needs taking care of. Mumsnet might say... he's a bit of a manchild. Usually I can let go of this resentment (might be too strong a word) and see all the positives in him but with the sex issues part of me is just wondering if I should be with him at all.

Just wanted to know others thoughts really.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 03/02/2019 22:08

My ex would only have sex on a Sunday morning. Seriously. We had no kids, we both worked same sort of hours, both shared housework. But she would only have sex on a Sunday morning.

Reader, I didn't marry her.

MissB83 · 03/02/2019 22:19

Some of these replies are nuts!

OP has a 1 year old. A baby! And she looks after him 3 days a week then works the rest. She isn't sitting on her bottom doing nothing. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't see why people don't understand that you can't exactly be spontaneous anyway with a one year old around! And that by the time the evening arrives you would just want to crawl into bed...

(I have a nearly 1 year old. Happily I don't have a partner so no one to bother me for sex. Thank god. I have no libido either! I'm told that breastfeeding can reduce libido so thinking it might be that. But being constantly knackered and touched out can't help!)

I agree that a discussion should be had about a better division of household/cleaning type responsibilities which would hopefully help the tiredness.

TryingMyBestToday · 03/02/2019 22:23

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. TBH I think I might try this with DH. We currently have almost no sex because of a misguided belief it should be 'spontaneous'. The truth is our schedules, kids, work, travel, tiredness, chores, lack of strong sex drives and different sleeping patterns means it just never happens. If it's part of a schedule it lifts it up the priority list for that day.

HelloViroids · 03/02/2019 22:24

I think you are getting some criticism because your title makes it seem like you say “only Sat at 3.37 precisely” - whereas it actually sounds a lot more flexible than that. On a practical level I would just mention on a Thurs or a Fri that you are looking forward to action at the weekend so could he be ready for you...

Original poster

livingaftermidnight · 04/02/2019 10:21

Some interesting replies!

Yes my DH works full time 8.30-5, gets home around 5.15pm each night. I work 2 days a week same sort of hours but the other 3 week days I look after DS (which is harder than my paid work imo, tho I can sometimes nap!)

I think the point some people made about the chore division resentment is true. I recently made a chore board ( yes for DH) and I did 12 lots of laundry in the week and he did 0. Its the one thing we always clash about so we do need to address it.

the sex thing is weird, once I get into it its lovely and fine I think in all honesty most of the time I just can't be bothered - or there are other things I value higher (like a bath or a nap, or just being alone) I think mentioning that I am looking forward to being close at the weekend might help.

OP posts:

AmIOTTconcerned · 04/02/2019 10:34

I used to feel like this OP but my libido has sky rocketed since DP and I have made a conscious effort to communicate and appreciate one another and this includes sharing chores and small things such as running a bath and making coffee in the morning for example. This has made me respect DP so much more and now I am initiating a lot more.

My point is I don't think it's just tiredness affecting your sex drive.

PregnantSea · 04/02/2019 12:34

Scheduled sex and an agreement that he will relieve himself?

I'd feel so lonely and rejected. I'd probably prefer to "take care of it" myself as well if I was your hubby.

You two need to hash out any issues with housework/childcare to stop this resentment from building up. Maybe he should be doing more? Can you work out a schedule that makes you both less tired? Or get a cleaner?

Also I may get crucified for saying this but would it be so terrible to have sex even when you're tired sometimes? I do this sometimes and I always end up enjoying it in the end and feel really glad that I made the extra effort to push myself. Sex is a vital component to a healthy relationship. You have to make the effort or things will fizzle out.

cannemc · 04/02/2019 12:59

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, you’re trying to find a solution. It doesn’t seem to be one that’s acceptable to your DH, which also isn’t unreasonable, so it’s back to the drawing board. I also don’t think it’s fair for anyone to say ‘but you only work two days’. You don’t ‘only work two days’, you also do the majority of everything else, which can be draining in itself. Once your kid is 2/3 and more demanding and energetic, the days at home will be even more tiring. I have a 3 year old and the days I’m at home with her are the most tiring of the week, the days I’m at work are almost refreshing at times. And I value time alone very highly, and it’s in short supply.

I think from the sounds of it you need a better balance in your life (don’t we all, I know I do!). What would make the biggest difference?

elvis86 · 04/02/2019 13:20

Missing the point, but I can't believe you think your husband needs permission to masturbate?! 😂😂😂

If a woman posted that her husband was trying to dictate what she did intimately with her own body, there would be a crowd waving red flags!

You're making it abundantly clear to your husband that sex with him isn't something you enjoy or something that is important to you. I'm not surprised he doesn't always jump at the chance to go through the motions with you once a week.

It's difficult and there's no clear-cut solution in these instances, but withholding of sexual intimacy is so hurtful and damaging to the partner on the receiving end.

It's not about having sex when you don't want to, but you need to make effort to rediscover your enjoyment of sex.

As others have suggested, maybe try new things that don't involve full sex - intimacy whilst he masturbates or a spontaneous BJ? I know lots of posters baulk at the idea, but giving pleasure to a partner isn't a submissive thing - you can take pleasure in being intimate with and pleasuring the other person, without achieving orgasm yourself.

I think you owe it to your husband to make more effort with this. If there are contributing issues around division of labour in the home etc, then you need to raise them. You need to prioritise trying to get to a place where you're engaged and enjoying sex with him again.

Ultimately, whilst I'm not advocating a man leaving his wife because she isn't feeling sexy 5 minutes after giving birth - if he didn't sign up for a sexless marriage and you make no effort on this, you have to accept that eventually he may decide he can't stay in the marriage.

Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 13:47

OP can you answer what you meant by it was agreed that he could relieve himself?

Cause that's really nothing to do with you?

AmoraObscura · 04/02/2019 14:02

Boysandbuses everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries in a relationship.

If for instance he was knocking one out to extreme porn twice a day and intimacy was dead within the relationship it would be of concern to the other party. It would be their business.

OP do you spend much time cuddling? Do you show each other non sexual physical affection?

I'm just speculating here but I imagine he only ever does when he's hoping for sex.

Esther Perel said women tend not to go off sex itself, just the sex that's available to them... or something to that effect.

OutPinked · 04/02/2019 14:08

Differences in sex drive can really make or break relationships. You tried to come up with a solution but it really isn’t the best, scheduled sex is a complete turn off. I’d be really upset if DP regularly rejected me and told me to wank instead... It’s understandable for anyone’s sex life to take a tumble following the birth of a child but i don’t think penning sex into the diary is the way to go, makes it seem like a chore.

Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 14:08

Boysandbuses everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries in a relationship.

If for instance he was knocking one out to extreme porn twice a day and intimacy was dead within the relationship it would be of concern to the other party. It would be their business.

No, masturbating is not you partners business. What porn got to do with it? If the op has a problem with porn,, she has problem with porn and that needs working out.

Touching your own body doesn't and should require agreement from you partner.

AmoraObscura · 04/02/2019 14:22

So porn consumption is an acceptable boundary but masturbation isn't?

Just thinking of certain cases where men cannot climax with a woman because he can't wean himself off the death grip.

79andnotout · 04/02/2019 14:24

Another couple here who were told to schedule sex. It's worked well for us. If we relied on both of us waiting until we were simultaneously in the mood, we'd never have sex (which is why we ended up seeing a sex therapist in the first place)!

kmc1111 · 04/02/2019 14:27

I’d rather have no sex than only have sex on pre-agreed days, and I say that as someone with a very high sex drive. There’s nothing less sexy than being with someone who thinks of sex like a chore to tick off their list.

Of course people are free to say no to sex for whatever reason, but the other side of that is their partner is free to end the relationship because they’re miserable in it. If you want the relationship to work long-term you have to find a balance.

Youknowmedontyou · 04/02/2019 14:29

My DH is like this, it's Sunday morning or not! It's actually killing my self confidence and he can't see why. I've tried explaining that it makes me feel like "oh come on then, you can have 30mins of my time".

I now find I'm up and out of bed before he wakes on a Sunday.

I also want to consider moving into the spare room, it's becoming an awkward situation in our bedroom.

I've tried to talk to him loads and he can't hear me. I totally understand why your DH wouldn't want to be a "convenience" either.

Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 14:31

So porn consumption is an acceptable boundary but masturbation isn't?

Just thinking of certain cases where men cannot climax with a woman because he can't wean himself off the death grip.

Yep. Also death grip is associated with porn and masturbation. The only person who has brought up porn....is you.

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