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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to only want sex once a week, on a specific day?

93 replies

livingaftermidnight · 03/02/2019 14:26

My DH has a higher sex drive than me, he always has but especially now we have a 1 year old - mine has taken a bit of a beating. I also suffer with bad anxiety so I am tired and emotional a lot.

I work on Mon/Tues so I am knackered so I've told him these days are a write off for me - I have to be extremely UNtired to get in the mood. Wed, Thur, Fri I stay home with DS and I'm a little tired / grumpy usually and just want some space. Weekends are good.

It was agreed that whenever he needed to he would ahem relieve himself and that was fine - I'd just prefer not to know about it. This was working well but now I've noticed he never wants it when I do (usually Sat) and he says its because he's "taken care of it..." Just feel like we're a bit doomed really, its been over 2 months now and I feel like we're drifting apart a bit.

Also, I think I hold a fair bit of resentment towards him because I do a hell of a lot more of the childcare / household chores / anything that needs taking care of. Mumsnet might say... he's a bit of a manchild. Usually I can let go of this resentment (might be too strong a word) and see all the positives in him but with the sex issues part of me is just wondering if I should be with him at all.

Just wanted to know others thoughts really.

OP posts:

kalefire · 03/02/2019 14:54

Maybe you’d be up for it more often if he pulled his weight.

Hold on hold on. We don't know what the agreed dynamics in their house are as OP hasn't stated.

Maybe it's an agreement that he works full time, is the main breadwinner. She looks after DC and house while only working two days. Maybe he works long hours/long commute and can't help more.

We don't know.
Of course, he could be out of work and spends all day on an Xbox - OP hasn't stated.

Regardless; mismatching sex drives have always been an issue it seems. Perhaps OP is happy she now has a valid excuse to not want to have sex?!

ManxomeFoe · 03/02/2019 14:55

Obviously we're in the minority here OP but when DS was tiny we actually found that scheduled sex worked well for us. There is nothing remotely sexy about spending every waking minute up to your eyeballs in baby poo, laundry and washing up, and DH works long hours in a stressful job, so both of us were rarely in the mood. What helped was making Sunday nights a weekly 'date night' where we'd listen to music and talk, or watch something together on tv, then go to bed early and have sex. From a practical point of view, it also made sure that I had always had a shower, shaved my legs etc so I felt sexier - whereas there was no guarantee of that if DH was to jump me on a random Tuesday. I know it's pretty unromantic, and now DS is a bit older things are much more spontaneous again, but at that time it seemed like it was either a schedule or nothing!

FridgeFullOfChocolate · 03/02/2019 14:56

Sorry but if my husband told me not to bother him apart from twenty past 2 on a Saturday I'd probably say forget it too.

We are shattered in the week, so we naturally are more likely to get busy at weekend anyway. We don't stipulate no sex in the week though, that's just weird.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 03/02/2019 14:56

YABVU. You can’t schedule sex down to two days and tell him he can only have sex then. You only work two days a week and have the rest of the time free at home.

I think you’re being very selfish and I don’t think it’s surprising he’s regularly pleasuring himself.

BiglyBadgers · 03/02/2019 14:58

Sometimes agreeing a time for sex is the best solution to a difficult and sensitive situation. I don't think the OP is in the wrong for working this solution out with her DP providing it was a joint discussion and decision. It can work really well when you have two people with differing sex drives.

We have "scheduled" sex. In our case it is DH who has the lower sex drive and I was getting miserable because leaving it to impulse just meant we went long periods of not have any sex at all. We talked about it and found a time in the week that would suit us both and made a commitment to try and do it once a week at that time.

I appreciate it sounds unromantic but it's worked really well for us and we are honestly having better sex than we have had in years (possibly ever). DH's sex drive is even improving and we are having more intimacy at other times of the week now as well just without him feeling like it needs to lead to piv sex or me feeling rejected and frustrated when it doesn't.

Don't knock the scheduled sex, it can be awesome.

Racecardriver · 03/02/2019 14:59

YANBU to want sex when you want it but YABU to expect him to be ok with that. If my DH said that to me I would be about put out. I might also come to the conclusion that he actually didn’t want to have sex and was doing the weekly session to please me and decide to spare him.

CeeCee58 · 03/02/2019 15:02

I must be completely different to most people, as I have a well established date night on a Friday.

Bombardier25966 · 03/02/2019 15:05

Anyway, just explain to him that Saturdays are not just an opportunity, they are also an obligation

Telling someone they're obliged to have sex is nasty territory. Would you say the same thing to a woman?

HoliestGoat · 03/02/2019 15:07

I think he's maybe turning you down on a Saturday in retaliation. I'm not blaming him though - you do make it sound like you see his needs as a chore, and a difficult one to fit in at that.

Perhaps if you considered his needs as being genuinely legitimate/reasonable then you could discuss it more constructively.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/02/2019 15:08

It seems odd to me that he’s gone from having a high sex drive so that once a week isn’t enough to not wanting to bother for a couple of months as he’s already taken care of things. It doesn’t indicate desire for sex with you, just sexual release. No wonder you feel disinclined.

MrsKoala · 03/02/2019 15:08

All the advice here is the exact opposite I got told by a sex counsellor. They said scheduling intimacy was a good idea if people were tired and knew they wouldn't be in the mood on specific days. It meant the other person wouldn't try it on and then get constantly rejected and the tired one wouldn't feel guilty or pressurised. Most people I know with young kids only do it on weekends.

Also if you are with someone who sorts themselves out once or twice a day, if you don't indicate you are up for it in advance, you will never do it as they always get there first.

I think scheduling is a very sensible solution.

DarlingNikita · 03/02/2019 15:09

I don't disagree that scheduled sex is a turn-off, but I think the underlying issue is you being tired from doing the bulk of the housework/wifework, not to mention having anxiety, which I can well imagine is exhausting.

SaltedIceCream · 03/02/2019 15:13

I’d rather have no sex then scheduled sex.

What a turn off.

MoaningSickness · 03/02/2019 15:14

I take it that all the posters ragging on 'scheduled sex' have never had a long distance relationship/job that involves working away etc?

Op isn't demanding a specific time, she's said anytime at the weekend. It's not unreasonable of her to ask if he'd bear that in mind and consider seeing if she's up for it before 'taking care of himself' those days!

Obviously neither of them should be making demands, but if they want to be having sex with each other a bit of communication about when works for each of them shouldn't be a negative.

emmylousings · 03/02/2019 15:16

I don't get why everyone says scheduled sex is unsexy. My DP and I have been together over a decade, and now we have two DC's. Some of our best times together are a scheduled meet-up on occasional afternoons when kids are at school (and work allows obvs). Having the house to yourself helps to relax & in the afternoon feels a bit decadent. Think about it, pre-long term relationships you went out on dates with whoever you were seeing, and expected to probabaly go to bed together at the end of the evening. Isn't that scheduled sex?

Sirzy · 03/02/2019 15:16

I take it that all the posters ragging on 'scheduled sex' have never had a long distance relationship/job that involves working away etc?

My partner works away all week. I still wouldn’t take well to being told I was expected to have sex at a certain time!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/02/2019 15:17

We have scheduled sex. It's made the difference between no sex at all, and weekly sex which also happens to be really, really good sex! Which in turn makes you want it more often.

Have you sat down together to come up with a compromise so it's somewhat scheduled, but on both your terms?

Vixxxy · 03/02/2019 15:17

Of course its not unreasonable to only have sex when you have energy and are in the mood!

Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 15:19

You’re being unreasonable. I would get why he’d relieve himself when you turn him down 6 days out of 7. You’re being very unreasonable to schedule sex one day a week and expecting him to be ready to go. I’m sure he feels the same way all the other days you don’t want to sleep with him

MrsKoala · 03/02/2019 15:20

I personally have times of the day I hate sex, so do lots of people (some don't like mornings etc). So I suppose I should never tell my partner and let them just keep trying and I keep turning them down and we both get pissed off?

Also doesn't anyone enjoy looking forward to it together? planning what you are going to wear, sending filthy texts etc and building up a head of steam? I'd much rather that than be pounced upon spontaneously when Im knackered and unshowered and unshaved.

donajimena · 03/02/2019 15:21

Sirzy she didn't specify a certain time.

Sirzy · 03/02/2019 15:23

She is pretty clear it has to be on her schedule though!

If it was a man insisting his partner had to have sex when he wanted it then nobody would be saying it was reasonable but for some it’s fine when it is a woman.

newmun · 03/02/2019 15:25

You sojnd miserable. I think that needs sorting out first

BiglyBadgers · 03/02/2019 15:25

I absolutely agree with what you say MrsKoala.

Scheduling has saved our sex life and I say this as the person in the relationship who would happily have more sex. It was a huge relief to me to know that my DH did want to have sex with me but just needed different circumstances to me. I love it that now he is often the one nudging me that it's time rather than me feeling like I was always doing the chasing or hassling him when he wasn't in the mood. Because I love him I want him to have sex that he enjoys at a time he is happy with. If sex at a certain time of the week makes him happy and means I get amazing sex once a week than I am also happy.

I hope the comments on this thread don't put of people who are having problems with their sex lives from talking about this with their DP out of some misplaced idea that spontaneous sex is the only sex worth having.

MrsKoala · 03/02/2019 15:26

I thought it was fine for anyone to say when they wanted sex for any reason they liked.

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