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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to only want sex once a week, on a specific day?

93 replies

livingaftermidnight · 03/02/2019 14:26

My DH has a higher sex drive than me, he always has but especially now we have a 1 year old - mine has taken a bit of a beating. I also suffer with bad anxiety so I am tired and emotional a lot.

I work on Mon/Tues so I am knackered so I've told him these days are a write off for me - I have to be extremely UNtired to get in the mood. Wed, Thur, Fri I stay home with DS and I'm a little tired / grumpy usually and just want some space. Weekends are good.

It was agreed that whenever he needed to he would ahem relieve himself and that was fine - I'd just prefer not to know about it. This was working well but now I've noticed he never wants it when I do (usually Sat) and he says its because he's "taken care of it..." Just feel like we're a bit doomed really, its been over 2 months now and I feel like we're drifting apart a bit.

Also, I think I hold a fair bit of resentment towards him because I do a hell of a lot more of the childcare / household chores / anything that needs taking care of. Mumsnet might say... he's a bit of a manchild. Usually I can let go of this resentment (might be too strong a word) and see all the positives in him but with the sex issues part of me is just wondering if I should be with him at all.

Just wanted to know others thoughts really.

OP posts:
Curious2468 · 03/02/2019 14:28

I would find scheduled sex a real turn off tbh and maybe he is the same?

greendale17 · 03/02/2019 14:29

I would find scheduled sex a real turn off tbh and maybe he is the same?

^This. You are making it sound like a chore

Original poster
livingaftermidnight · 03/02/2019 14:31

@Curious2468 I know what you mean.. its not that set in stone, basically any time/place/position Wink but at the weekend.

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 03/02/2019 14:32

Your tiredness seems to be the issue.

He needs to either do more housework or pay for someone else to do it.

Drogosnextwife · 03/02/2019 14:32

Does your dp work full time? If so and you only work a Monday and Tuesday then you are more than likely going to be doing more childcare and housework because ypubare at home. If He is doing nothing at all I can see why you would resent him a bit. I think scheduled sex would be a bit of a turn off.

theworldistoosmall · 03/02/2019 14:32

It's like always eating chicken on a Wednesday. I couldn't do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2019 14:36

I wouldn’t like a schedule and if you don’t want to have sex very often and expect him to sort himself out then you can’t really complain when he does.

Do you want to have sex or is the schedule to stop him suggesting it any other time?

When a couple is enjoying sex regularly it’s a habit, it’s something you expect to happen unless one or both of you isn’t up for it for some reason.

Have you told him you have to be UNtired? Not sure how I’d take that from DH. Literally everyone is tired nearly all of the time. What you do with the time you’re not actively doing something else is a choice. If sex and intimacy are important to you then you find the time, it’s part of your day/week/whatever works for you both.

PettyContractor · 03/02/2019 14:36

I think this sort of outcome is the risk people take if they strictly follow the principle of only having sex when both want it. In theory you could both want it daily, but never have any, because one wants only in the morning and the other only in the evening.

Anyway, just explain to him that Saturdays are not just an opportunity, they are also an obligation, and he might want to conserve his energy as they approach.

PettyContractor · 03/02/2019 14:37

Scheduling and obligation may not be sexy, but they're better than nothing. Which is the realistic alternative.

MashedSpud · 03/02/2019 14:38

Would it be a possibility that you could be there while he’s self pleasuring? Maybe kissing or caressing him, whatever else you would feel comfortable with so you share some intimacy without piv sex? Cuddling afterwards maybe?

Sirzy · 03/02/2019 14:38

I am another who wouldn’t like it being scheduled!

It also seems unfair that you get to dictate the day even if he doesn’t want to do it on that day!

RomanyRoots · 03/02/2019 14:40

You need to talk to him about him pulling his weight and your resentment, or I agree you are doomed.
I would find scheduled sex a turn off, and you do make it sound like a chore.
This is probably because you are so tired though, and it sounds like work is a stress if it leaves you feeling too past it.

Hugglessnuggles · 03/02/2019 14:42

I wouldn’t want it for definite every weekend- because I’m being told too. I do have it every weekend, several times actually, as well as several times throughout the week. Because it happens naturally. If I knew it was in my diary? No sorry, biggest turnoff.

Bluewidow · 03/02/2019 14:43

You can’t have a weekly schedule for sex it’s ridiculous. Sex is all about spontaneity- well for me anyway. Can’t you just surprise him some nights on your tired days?

Thesmallthings · 03/02/2019 14:44

I can see why he wouldn't really be up FOR IT kind if takes the fun out of it.

I would ask him to help take the load of you so your more energised during the week and personally i would try to not to automatically right of sex during the week.

SinkGirl · 03/02/2019 14:45

Is someone here actually arguing that people should have sex they don’t want because their partner does?

What century is this?

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/02/2019 14:45

Sex to a schedule = very unattractive!

justasking111 · 03/02/2019 14:47

I remember with two small children and DH working long hours all week, the weekend was the time either of us had any energy for a bit of fun.

I used to sometimes plan a nice evening, nice oils, massage, which relaxed us both and sometimes led to sex, sometimes not. It is lovely either way.

SinkGirl · 03/02/2019 14:47

The poor bloke - exhausted wife who does everything for him, and she only wants sex when she’s not completely shattered. How awful for him.

Maybe you’d be up for it more often if he pulled his weight.

Deadringer · 03/02/2019 14:48

Well at present you can enjoy sex together at the weekend or he can do without, that's the option really isn't it? As a pp said it may get not be terribly romantic to have a set day for sex but it's better than nothing, and I assume it's what people do if one of them works away during the week. I think him being a 'bit of a manchild' is more of a problem tbh. Resentment is a passion killer ime.

Sirzy · 03/02/2019 14:49

Is someone here actually arguing that people should have sex they don’t want because their partner does?

Yes that is exactly what the op is saying. She wants him to want it when she does with no variation on that.

kalefire · 03/02/2019 14:49

Hmm. Scheduled weekend only sex = super unsexy.

bumpysleighridejack · 03/02/2019 14:49

Hey OP going to go against the grain and say there's nothing wrong with a routine, even it's just whilst DC are young and you're beyond tired. I'm exactly the same, constantly knackered. DH is away usually during the week so Friday and Sunday evenings are when we DTD. I like knowing when it's going to happen, it helps me sort of 'build up' to it. HOWEVER DH helps out with house and DC at the W/E and when it comes to DTD gives me lots of attention/ massage etc to relax me. As in all things communication is key!

Angryangryyoungwoman · 03/02/2019 14:50

I suggest that your issue is the chores, not the sex and more important to sort out

TheBigBangRocks · 03/02/2019 14:53

I'd not want that from a relationship, it's not healthy.

You only work two days, of course you should be picking up the bulk at home in exchange for him picking up the bulk of the financial obligations. If you resent doing it go back to work full time and share everything 50/50.