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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to only want sex once a week, on a specific day?

93 replies

livingaftermidnight · 03/02/2019 14:26

My DH has a higher sex drive than me, he always has but especially now we have a 1 year old - mine has taken a bit of a beating. I also suffer with bad anxiety so I am tired and emotional a lot.

I work on Mon/Tues so I am knackered so I've told him these days are a write off for me - I have to be extremely UNtired to get in the mood. Wed, Thur, Fri I stay home with DS and I'm a little tired / grumpy usually and just want some space. Weekends are good.

It was agreed that whenever he needed to he would ahem relieve himself and that was fine - I'd just prefer not to know about it. This was working well but now I've noticed he never wants it when I do (usually Sat) and he says its because he's "taken care of it..." Just feel like we're a bit doomed really, its been over 2 months now and I feel like we're drifting apart a bit.

Also, I think I hold a fair bit of resentment towards him because I do a hell of a lot more of the childcare / household chores / anything that needs taking care of. Mumsnet might say... he's a bit of a manchild. Usually I can let go of this resentment (might be too strong a word) and see all the positives in him but with the sex issues part of me is just wondering if I should be with him at all.

Just wanted to know others thoughts really.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/02/2019 15:27

Of course people should talk about it and then there needs to be compromise not “this is the only day it will happen because that’s what I say”

It takes two to tango and for that tango to be enjoyable both need to be up for it not just doing it because they have been told they have to on that day.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/02/2019 15:28

Mumsnet is very misogynistic at times isn't it?

IMO you have every right to say no and not be in the mood when you are working and have a 1 yr old.

You only work two days

FFs- she has a 1 year old! She's not sitting around filing her nails on the days she is not OUT AT WORK.

Posters seem to forget you ARE working at home when you are not out at work- probably a hell of a lot harder when at home.

I think you both need to compromise a bit.

You need to stop focusing on the says when you 'might' feel like it. Can you be affectionate towards him during the week?
Sex is not just about PIV, it's about cuddling up, being kind to each other, having a kiss on the sofa.

You each need to show each other you love them, not just want sex.

The first year with a child is really really hard. You will get back into the swing of sex at some point but you can't force it.

He needs to appreciate the toll a baby takes on your body and emotions.

Sounds as if there is no fun at all in your relationship- can you get a babysitter (family?) and have a night away sometime maybe?

You need to work on building your 'couple connection' and the sex will follow. At the moment it's a standoff with him wanking when he gets the itch and you saying 'Saturdays only mate.'

Neither is going to solve this.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 03/02/2019 15:31

your DH has a high sex drive yet you haven’t had sex with each other for 2 months? That doesn’t sound right to me.

TatianaLarina · 03/02/2019 15:31

I don’t think saying you’d rather have sex on weekend is ‘scheduling’ it tbh. I think there’s a lot of overdramatising on the thread.

TatianaLarina · 03/02/2019 15:32

If one partner was working away during the week, or a single parent can only have sex with partner when children are with other parent - that’s technically scheduled, but it’s not really.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2019 15:36

Do you think you might be more 'in the mood' if he did more on the homefront in the evenings Mon-Fri so you got a bit of a breather?

We both worked full time whilst raising our DC and our sex life didn't suffer (too much, there are always 'those times' ). But my DH pulled his weight so I didn't get home from work and have to do it all whilst he sat on his arse.

MeganBacon · 03/02/2019 15:37

In a long marriage (and this may not be you yet OP), an agreement that you will set aside specific time for each other, when nothing is allowed to interfere, is sometimes a very good idea. Leave it to spontaneity and you may just find you never get round to it and just end up losing the ability to see each other that way.

Deadringer · 03/02/2019 15:38

Don't most busy people prefer sex at the weekend?

bigredmachine · 03/02/2019 15:39

your DH has a high sex drive yet you haven’t had sex with each other for 2 months? That doesn’t sound right to me.

What sounds wrong to you?

Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 15:40

Sorry but ibwould find it a turn off. It Dp doesn't fancy sex, or I didn't it's fair enough. But to say no only on a Saturday, takes some of the passion out of it for me.

It was agreed that whenever he needed to he wouldahemrelieve himself and that was fine

Can you explain more about this? Because surely don't mean that he had to have your agreement to have a wank.

Crazycrazylady · 03/02/2019 15:41

Honestly I think your tiredness seems a little unnatural to me. Even allowing for working 2 data and 1 child. I'd see a doctor to get your iron levels checked.
I also agree that if my husband did to me what you've done to him I'd very very upset.

Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 15:42

Don't most busy people prefer sex at the weekend

Both me and dp work monday-friday in professional roles doing around 9-10 hours a day when include what we do from home. We enjoy weekend sex. But definitely enjoy mid week sex too. I also have 2 kids.

We are busy. But, we don't veto mid week sex.

WorryingLadyBits · 03/02/2019 15:43

Romance is dead.....

Scheduling sex in? Hmm

WorryingLadyBits · 03/02/2019 15:43

Or rather, out?

ItWentInMyEye · 03/02/2019 15:44

I don't want sex very often, but I still wouldn't want it scheduling. However we have a different issue in that I'd rather have sex in bed, no problem with different positions etc, but my DP still after 10 years tries to initiate it in all manner of places. I'm not saying he's wrong and I'm right, it's just something we deal with.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 03/02/2019 18:15

bigredmachine

your DH has a high sex drive yet you haven’t had sex with each other for 2 months? That doesn’t sound right to me.

What sounds wrong to you?

What do you think? If you have a ‘high’ sex drive then you wouldn’t go 2 month without sex. I know I wouldn’t and neither would my husband.

HisBetterHalf · 03/02/2019 18:55

Do you make a specific time too? What a turn off

Waveysnail · 03/02/2019 19:00

Could you make Saturday date night. Do something different each week. Nice candle bath one week then each week try something different - massage, dress up, meal with wine etc

Waveysnail · 03/02/2019 19:02

My dh is only home on a Saturday night due to work so we usually plan to have sex on Saturday night. Not a turn off for us

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 · 03/02/2019 19:16

I struggle with sex too often due to personal issues but i make an effort to give him a few minutes a few times a week where i give him a bj or just kiss and cuddle him whilst he takes care of himself he's happy with that especially as I initiate it

Merryoldgoat · 03/02/2019 19:57

@Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit

How would you change that then?

I’ve got a reasonably high sex drive. My husband has some issues at present. I’m obviously not going to force him to have sex so we haven’t.

No, I don’t like it but I love him so there it is.

SerenDippitty · 03/02/2019 20:10

DH and Ihave sex at the weekends mostly. Suits both of us just fine.

OnlyaMan · 03/02/2019 20:16

So....sexual intercourse between you and your husband has to be at your command? Not usual,actually.
If you cannot compromise, then....you are may not be really compatible.
See how you get on-I hope it works. Good Luck!

littlebillie · 03/02/2019 21:32

It's doesn't sound like much fun through the week or the weekend, it sounds like you are punishing him for not helping out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/02/2019 21:51

I don't think YABU OP. You're trying to find a solution to a problem. You've thought about the reasons why you don't want it, a lot of people I imagine have sex at the weekend rather than the week as they are more relaxed and less knackered. And being spontaneous isn't really working at the moment. Surely it's a bit easier for your husband to change the day he has a wank rather than for you to change the days you work! I'm sure I've read from sex therapists giving advice to people with similar issues to schedule it in, as otherwise you can become too entrenched in the habit of not doing it.

I'd have another conversation, not on the day though, I'd do it in advance and explain that you miss being intimate and could you both try your best to make sure it happens the next weekend, or see if he has any other suggestions

That's not the same as a man seeing it as his right and thinking his wife belongs to him and expecting sex at certain times / putting pressure to achieve this as some people seem to be suggesting

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