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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say our wedding is about us, not family?

82 replies

SunshineMonday · 03/02/2019 10:39

Our wedding is four months away, and we still haven't officially invited people. We booked it a year ago and it seemed so far away then, and decided on a register office wedding rather than eloping, as it was much cheaper to do it in a register office and money is an issue. At the time, I naively thought we could just invite a couple of people to witness and then do what we like, together.

The reasons for this are:

  1. I am not close with my family. I've always felt bad around them and don't want this feeling on my wedding day. I now live quite a distance from them and see my parents maybe twice a year.
  2. DP isn't bothered about involving his either
  3. I have anxiety about being the centre of attention and find the idea of being up infront of everyone very daunting
  4. We didn't want the stress of organising a wedding
  5. Money!

Despite this, I am continually bugged with texts by my family about when it is, though I have told them we want something small and it's about us, not family - we want a marriage, not a party. Sorry if this is selfish. Me and DP decided (but haven't send invites) on inviting his parents, my grandmother, and my mother, as we will need witnesses afterall.

However, my father keeps messaging me saying I am going to cause a rift if I don't invite my whole family, including my three sisters, who I don't get on with and haven't seen in a year. Then he says I should invite their partners who I don't even know. I really don't want to do this, and I'm thinking about cancelling the whole thing.

I've told my father it's about us, not my family. But he still says I will cause a rift and I 'may need them one day'.

It's making me hate thinking about my own wedding. We are not having a photographer, flowers, wedding dress etc, and I know my sisters will turn their noses up. We also don't want to pay to cater for all these people afterwards due to money, and the fact we wanted to be by ourselves. Again, sorry if that's selfish.

Is the best option just to cancel the whole thing, and save up money to elope in a few years?

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 03/02/2019 10:44

Why not have two friends as witnesses and say nothing to family? Or just have your dp's parents as witnesses? Life is short, do what you want!

doIreallyneedto · 03/02/2019 10:46

You can always "elope" in the register office. No need to actually go anywhere or save up.

Cancel the current date, book another one and don't tell anyone. Tell them afterwards that you eloped and are now married.

Original poster
SunshineMonday · 03/02/2019 10:48

The problem is we need two witnesses @doIreallyneedto. We can't rely on finding a couple of willing people on the street

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 03/02/2019 10:52

Why would you cancel? Invite who you want such as DPs parents but why would you invite your sisters etc if you don't want them there? If you aren't close and don't see them then causing a "rift" won't make much difference.

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2019 10:52

People do marry with witnesses passing by so it can be done. Or you could ask on here, am sure that has happened before.

doIreallyneedto · 03/02/2019 10:53

I've seen posts on mumsnet before where the op asked people to act as witnesses to a wedding. I bet you could easily get 2 mumsnetters to act as witness if you say where you are. Otherwise, as pp suggested, just ask your dp's parents. You only need 2.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 10:53

Elope.

I wouldn't have told them if you didn't intend on having a traditional wedding, but obviously the cat is out of the bag.

Can you tell them you have postponed it and then surprise them?

I think you will find willing people on the street Grin but I would go abroad and make it a fait accompli. Good luck.

iknowimcoming · 03/02/2019 10:53

Surely you have one friend each who could be witnesses?

Passmethecrisps · 03/02/2019 10:55

Do exactly what has been suggested. Cancel the date given already and just start again. Either invite a handful of your absolute closest friends then go to the pub after or literally just go and ask a couple of randoms. I think it does happen and you shouldn’t find it too hard - spy a nice looking pair and offer to buy them a drink after.

19lottie82 · 03/02/2019 10:56

When I got married at my local registry office you needed to register the witnesses in advance.

TheFaerieQueene · 03/02/2019 10:57

I was a witness at a MN wedding a few years ago. It was lovely. You could ask on here for witnesses.

OnTheHop · 03/02/2019 10:58

Tell family that your wedding is simply a legal ceremony and not an event.

Invite none.

Have one mate each as a witness.

You have made it a bit ‘in between’ by telling them that there is a small wedding , to which some family
Members will be invited but not others. A tinderbox situation in an already dysfunctional family !

Member984815 · 03/02/2019 10:59

Don't let family hijack your wedding , ask 2 friends to witness and swear them to secrecy

bellabasset · 03/02/2019 10:59

Its sad that you don't get on with your family. I would have a word with the registrars office and ask what other couples do in your circumstances. There might be people who have acted as witnesses in the office.

If dp's parents acted as witnesses it appears unlikely that your side of the family need know if they don't meet up.

VWpurse · 03/02/2019 11:01

I and several friends have got married with no family even knowing.

Some have never told their family members after years.

It’s your day, it’s not selfish to do EXACTLY as you wish and the fact you question that shows that they have brought you up to think you should be putting them first.

Do it, don’t tell anyone, have a lovely day.

VWpurse · 03/02/2019 11:03

Forgot to say, there were loads of people working at the registered office to be witnesses. They said no one really goes into the street except in films! One of our witnesses did it most days...

SandyY2K · 03/02/2019 11:04

Are the rest of your family close? Or just you who is distant from them?

If you really aren't that close...then I don't see why it bothers them... but your dad is right...you may need them one day.

I often read threads on here about women with abusive partners...who are not close to their own family and have no one to go to in times of trouble.

Personally I'd be rather concerned that my future spouse was so distant from their family... especially if the rest of them were close and it's just my fiance. I'd be concerned... because if you've never known closeness that would affect how future children relate to each other.

Perhaps it's a cultural thing... as I had a colleague who got married years back and her family hadn't met her DH till months after the wedding.

Anyway....if you aren't close to them...a rift is not going to concern you is it....so do what you want.

ButDoYouAvocado · 03/02/2019 11:05

When i got married 2 people who worked I the same building were witnesses, you'll be fine. Ring and ask to put your mind at rest.

VWpurse · 03/02/2019 11:05

19lottie82 that can be done with witnesses provided by the office. Just tell them on booking, or give enough notice, to say you need witnesses.

Crockof · 03/02/2019 11:05

I had witness pulled off the street. They were delighted to watch and witness it. Reasons were identical to yours, we wanted to be married not have a wedding. Still married 15 years later

RelaxDontDoooIt · 03/02/2019 11:06

Don’t invite any family, ask friends. If your family ask why, tell them your dad was saying how unfair it would be be to invite some and not others so you chose to not invite anyone.

I totally get you. We had a small wedding and a couple of family members caused quite a row over MY wedding and the fact I wasn’t inviting certain people (I stopped at aunts and uncles). 10years on and I still rarely speak to my aunt. She spoilt my day turning up to watch the wedding then leaving abruptly to make a point. I wish we had just done it the two of us now.

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2019 11:06

Ask on here (I'd love to witness someone's marriage) or ask the register office to help you.
I don't agree with the 'you shouldn't have to consider ANYONE else' logic that some posters use about weddings, but the fact is that you've tried to consider them and they keep pushing the boundaries and demanding things you won't be happy with. So sack them off and do your own thing.

deadmansdrop · 03/02/2019 11:07

SandyY2K
Your post is very close to victim blaming

ciderhouserules · 03/02/2019 11:07

Ignore any guilt tripping about a 'rift' ffs. It's your wedding, your marriage, your life.

Invite who you like. One friend each, maybe. Or just DPs parents.

It will be a 'rift' whatever you do - you get forced into having sisters and BILs, parents friends, aunts uncles etc etc; you will resent it and hate it.

Do it your way, and they either put up with it, or go LC. It sounds like you are LC anyway, so win-win!

PepsiLola · 03/02/2019 11:08

We eloped because of this. You cannot please everyone!

We could have invited some family and not others, but it would have caused grief so we didn't.

All or nothing in my opinion xx