To say our wedding is about us, not family?

[SunshineMonday]

Our wedding is four months away, and we still haven't officially invited people. We booked it a year ago and it seemed so far away then, and decided on a register office wedding rather than eloping, as it was much cheaper to do it in a register office and money is an issue. At the time, I naively thought we could just invite a couple of people to witness and then do what we like, together.

The reasons for this are:

1. I am not close with my family. I've always felt bad around them and don't want this feeling on my wedding day. I now live quite a distance from them and see my parents maybe twice a year.
2. DP isn't bothered about involving his either
3. I have anxiety about being the centre of attention and find the idea of being up infront of everyone very daunting
4. We didn't want the stress of organising a wedding
5. Money!

Despite this, I am continually bugged with texts by my family about when it is, though I have told them we want something small and it's about us, not family - we want a marriage, not a party. Sorry if this is selfish. Me and DP decided (but haven't send invites) on inviting his parents, my grandmother, and my mother, as we will need witnesses afterall.

However, my father keeps messaging me saying I am going to cause a rift if I don't invite my whole family, including my three sisters, who I don't get on with and haven't seen in a year. Then he says I should invite their partners who I don't even know. I really don't want to do this, and I'm thinking about cancelling the whole thing.

I've told my father it's about us, not my family. But he still says I will cause a rift and I 'may need them one day'.

It's making me hate thinking about my own wedding. We are not having a photographer, flowers, wedding dress etc, and I know my sisters will turn their noses up. We also don't want to pay to cater for all these people afterwards due to money, and the fact we wanted to be by ourselves. Again, sorry if that's selfish.

Is the best option just to cancel the whole thing, and save up money to elope in a few years?

TheFaerieQueene

I was a witness at a MN wedding a few years ago. It was lovely. You could ask on here for witnesses.

I remember that, it was wonderful and is exactly what I was going to suggest.

If you are anywhere near York I’ll happily be a witness.

Just invite your Mum and your husband to be’s parents if that’s what you want.

It’s your wedding, and you mustn’t feel obliged to spend your special day wasting time and money on feeding relatives you’d happily never speak to again.

(Also- well played MN advert peeps)

Sandy - I am NC with my toxic sister and my cold, selfish, disinterested father; going on 30 years WRT my father. LC with my brother (his choice).
I only keep in contact with my mum - and when she passes, I will not have anyone. I have no problem with that. NO family is better that a toxic one.

SunshineMonday You can ask on here for witnesses, there have been several occasions when MNers were witnesses to weddings. If you were in my area, I'd be happy to do it.

You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. Because it is your wedding, not anyone else's.

Tell your father it's not up for discussion and refuse to talk about it with him after that.

And have a wonderful, stress free day.

Invite no one and get 2 friends, or ask on here for witnesses, people usually jump at the chance.

I think you can ask the registry office to provide witnesses, give them a call and ask, otherwise just ask two friends or colleagues.

Sandy if you had a dis functional family that constantly hurts you you'd probably understand more! Sometimes people just up on contact after years of trying and having it thrown back in your face. I've got a brother like that. He was invited to my wedding (after deliberation). It was a tiny ceremony. It had to be held up as he hadn't arrived. He and his family (25% of the guests) didn't show. We waited 15 minutes to see if they'd arrive. It was a relief they didn't actually! They always cause drama. And yes you might need their help one day - I need his help now, with elderly parents in and out of hospital, but he's never helped once. Just because you might need them one day it doesn't mean that they'll be there. It's sad, but sometimes you're just better off without them.

It’s very refreshing to read about a couple who are more focused on their marriage than the wedding! Don’t you dare cancel to please other people! It’s your day, your choice.

Agree with those saying no family, just a couple of friends and don't tell family until afterwards.

We did that for similar reasons to the situation you're in...we invited our neighbours (who were friends of ours) the night before. It was a great day and we regret nothing. Yes, some people were upset... but it was about us not them - and if you're going to offend one or two people, why not go the whole hog and offend them all!

Your wedding, your marriage, your life - do what you and your partner want and sod the rest of them. They will come round or they wont - tough. Have a fab wedding day

My husband and I seriously considered eloping to the registry office with 2 of our mates and doing this,we would have been married 6-8 months earlier than we did and would have saved ourselves a lot of aggravation and money.We still had a really small cheap wedding but even so we now wish we had taken this option instead.

This is one of my biggest regrets at my wedding.

It became about other people and making them happy. My parents were more bothered about pleasing other people than our happiness.

I’d elope or change the date otherwise it will taint your wedding. Don’t back down.

Screw them. Don’t invite them. I didn’t. Best decision ever. My sister did and it ruined her wedding day.

We just invited my best friend and his best friend as witness and didn't tell anyone else till afterwards. There's no way in hell I would have invited my family

It reads like your father is the only one complaining about your plans - is your mother doing so as well? I suggest trying to either drill into your father that it isn't up for discussion or avoid talking to him as much as possible. It's wrong for him to stir up all this anxiety and bad feelings towards your own wedding due to his own ideas of how things should be.

I didn't do to either of my siblings' weddings nor were they at mine due to either physical or emotional distance and there was no further rift that wasn't already there if that makes sense. Having them there wasn't going to make us any closer and I doubt it will in your situation.

Have the wedding day you want, have one or more of the guests you already want take photos - that's what happened when I eloped, one of our three guests offered to take some photos and sent them to me, much more relaxed than having a stranger around & I still love those photos - and try to ignore the pressure your father is putting on you.

It’s your wedding, do it your way. Although if you are asking strangers on the internet how you should be doing your own wedding day, I have to ask are you really ready to marry?

Why do you need the approval of internet strangers to do your wedding your way?

I wish I'd eloped. As soon as I told my mum I was getting married the day turned into what she wanted. We still had a basic enough day, we got around by minibus and had a party in a pub, but Mum insisted on photos, speeches etc which we find really really dull. Also I am not that close to her, she can be a very judgmental selfish snob who hates my in-laws because she thinks they are too "rough".

I would echo pp and say, do it your way. It's a marriage, a long term partnership, not just one day.

If you are in London, I'll be happy to witness your wedding. Send a DM.

Great, go with your original plan and now you have a cast iron excuse for not inviting your dad ‘you were being such a dick I decided not to invite you’.

Instead of ‘the wedding is about us, not family’ I would see it as ‘family for me is about more than keeping up appearances by sending everyone a wedding invitation - its about the actual relationship I have with each person, and some of those are not great sadly’.

If I understand correctly, your father, who you are not inviting to the wedding, is taking it upon himself to try to dictate to you who you should invite, but presumably is not offering to contribute to the cost of your wedding in any way, as used to be traditional? I'd suggest you tell everyone who knows about it that you’ve changed your minds and just ask at the registry office if they have people who will be your witnesses.
Congratulations and good luck!

Just cancel it and run off to Gretna and do it there on your own. Either that or book a holiday to Las Vegas and come back married. It’s about you and you soon to be DH ....no one else

So all you have done so far is book the registry office?

if you have not told anyone the date don't ....if anyone asks say we've postponed for the moment as short on cash...

pick 2 people that arent connected to your families - friends/colleagues - get married

You dont have to tell anyone.....

If you're in the north west I would love to volunteer to be a witness, I have a very nice hat I could wear

Just have the wedding you want. Then at least you can be sure two people will definitely be happy. Yes it IS about what you want. Ask the registry office for advice regarding witnesses. Or have you any friends/people you work with etc you could ask. And yes, I’ve seen threads where people on here have offered too and already you’ve already got posters on here who will gladly act as witnesses. You don’t want to look back at such an important day and remember people spoiling it for you or hijacking the day and making it into their day.