To say our wedding is about us, not family?

[SunshineMonday]

Our wedding is four months away, and we still haven't officially invited people. We booked it a year ago and it seemed so far away then, and decided on a register office wedding rather than eloping, as it was much cheaper to do it in a register office and money is an issue. At the time, I naively thought we could just invite a couple of people to witness and then do what we like, together.

The reasons for this are:

1. I am not close with my family. I've always felt bad around them and don't want this feeling on my wedding day. I now live quite a distance from them and see my parents maybe twice a year.
2. DP isn't bothered about involving his either
3. I have anxiety about being the centre of attention and find the idea of being up infront of everyone very daunting
4. We didn't want the stress of organising a wedding
5. Money!

Despite this, I am continually bugged with texts by my family about when it is, though I have told them we want something small and it's about us, not family - we want a marriage, not a party. Sorry if this is selfish. Me and DP decided (but haven't send invites) on inviting his parents, my grandmother, and my mother, as we will need witnesses afterall.

However, my father keeps messaging me saying I am going to cause a rift if I don't invite my whole family, including my three sisters, who I don't get on with and haven't seen in a year. Then he says I should invite their partners who I don't even know. I really don't want to do this, and I'm thinking about cancelling the whole thing.

I've told my father it's about us, not my family. But he still says I will cause a rift and I 'may need them one day'.

It's making me hate thinking about my own wedding. We are not having a photographer, flowers, wedding dress etc, and I know my sisters will turn their noses up. We also don't want to pay to cater for all these people afterwards due to money, and the fact we wanted to be by ourselves. Again, sorry if that's selfish.

Is the best option just to cancel the whole thing, and save up money to elope in a few years?

You don't have to do anything else.

If your Dad is determined to do something tell him he can organise a 'do' for your family and whoever he wants after, do the invites, bookings, catering the whole thing, pay for it himself and you'll call in to it to say hello. Might make him shut up if it's his money.

Also, if mn witnesses are an option you're considering, I'm in ROI. wink wink

Despite this, I am continually bugged with texts by my family about when it is, though I have told them we want something small and it's about us, not family - we want a marriage, not a party. Sorry if this is selfish.

It's not remotely selfish. But why on earth did you tell anyone anything in the first place if all you want is the ceremony? Just go and do it and tell everyone afterwards.

Telling relatives in advance that a) you're getting married but they're not invited or, worse, b) that you're only inviting half the family was always bound to cause friction. Have you told your father that your mother and grandmother are to be invited "because you need witnesses" but he and your sisters aren't? If so, did did you expect them to be thrilled about that??

As PP said, just take a few friends, tell the rellies you eloped then crop the friends out of the wedding photos if needs be.

I always go by the maxim, "in a situation where you can't please everyone, the best thing to do is please no-one".

At the end of the day, your wedding is about your commitment to each other, and should be a day of celebration and joy. You must do what you are both happy with, it is about you and what would make you happy, and not family/friends etc. Explaining things in a simple way, as to your reasons, then your family should understand, even tho they will be upset, naturally. They will get over it. Maybe suggest a family meal/get together to celebrate with them. failing that, just go ahead and fulfil your own wishes. You will never please everybody.

Elope

We had a registry wedding. Me, dh, my dc and his df. Uninvited mil who had wrongly assumed she was coming!! No family invites from me.
We had a lovely day.
It is your /dp's day. Don't be bullied.
Would suggest you had someone grab a few pics though!!
My dc just used phones and we got some good ones.

I guess you’ve made your wedding an open topic. Saying you want it small infers immediate family to most. And talking about it openly before you’ve decided infers you are open to discussion.

You need to be clear with your family. However I have some sympathy that immediate family will feel upset. I think you can’t just ignore feelings, and will have to navigate and explain why.

You are totally right IMO, plan for a marriage not a wedding...

But the mistake you have made is inviting some family. It’s a bit all or nothing with family.

We had a reg office wedding and a nice meal after. Just me, DH and 2 work colleagues/friends as witnesses. DH’s Mum was terribly upset and pushed and pushed that she could just come along but it was clear that despite that, she did actually understand that it couldn’t stop with her, and inviting her would have it spiral out of control.

The annoying thing though is that she perpetually blames me (and my poor relationship with my family) for not seeing her only son married. The truth is her son is such a massive introvert there would have been no wedding otherwise, and as I wouldn’t have had DC without being married, she wouldn’t have had her grandchildren either.

Id be a witness! I think if your happy to give a vague location people could get intouch if they can help!

I'd happily be a witness if you're in the South West :)

We have a dysfunctional family set up, so we eloped. It was a wonderful day, I don't blame you for wanting to avoid the drama/bad feeling, YANBU at all to do it your way.

The option you put at the end seems most sensible to me. If you're not keen to have a wedding but just want to get married, tell everyone you're calling the whole thing off because you don't want all the hassle.
We got married while we were on holiday (made it feel special but without any extra expense) and didn't have any family or friends or even our kids present. Nobody took offence because it was quite clear this was our own private marriage and not a wedding. I think if we'd let some family members come but not others they would have been upset.

We got married on our own, no guests at all-witnesses were hotel staff.
We didn’t elope in that it wasn’t secret but we chose not to invite anyone.

My familybwere upset but got over it eventually-stick to your guns!

You are over thinking this:

1. Book the next available slot in the registry office (remember to cancel the original date booked) and both arrange the day off work as annual leave.

1. Either ask the registry office to organise witnesses or get two willing local mn volunteers.

1. Get married and go out for a meal afterwards to your favourite place. Take a few pictures on your phones.

1. Tell your family that you are married and ignore any protests because you are an adult and can make your own choices.

When my aunt and uncle married recently they arranged for two registry office employees to be the witnesses for a small fee.

Inviting one set of parents and one mum but not your dad seems odd. Invites should be equal really to same levels (unless you really want no relationship with the uninvited person).

When DH and I were talking about our registry office bit we wanted only his parents and my mum as witnesses as it was, for us, just the legal bit and we were having our 'wedding' elsewhere. One of my brother's got wind of it and stated that he would want to be there. Well, that's not what we wanted so instead we invited a friend each. It was great! Once the official bit was done my friend went off into town shopping and DH's friend came back to ours to play on the Playstation. Which was exactly as we wanted - low key, no fuss, no significance other than legal.

Would you consider ditching your family and just having DP's parents? Or picking 2 friends who would respect your choices?

OP if you just want the marriage then change the date.

I totally understand btw.

re witnesses, you could ask neighbours maybe? I witnessed one wedding, the neighbours asked me a couple of days before if I could pop along with them.

my most recent boss did the same. She didn't tell anyone she was getting married till after they did it (though sadly still got the whole stupid thing of her family deciding she must have changed her name and sending post to a name that doesn't exist!)

I didn't know that set of neighbours terribly well, they just asked as a favour and I was happy to help.

Do you not have 2 friends between you who could come along to witness a registry office wedding? Book the next possible date and just do it, get 2 friends to witness, bring them for a drink/lunch/dinner to say thanks and that's it, all done and dusted. Do no complicate things by engaging in conversations with anyone else about your wedding. Once you are married you can decide whether or not to tell people straight away, or you can bask in the delight of knowing that you did what you both wanted and didn't get sucked in by the drama of others, especially others who don't even feature in your lives. Not sure how you can cause a rift when there's already a rift there anyway.

Stick with your plan (but only if you want the people you invited to come). Assume your parents are divorced. Make sure your guests dont tell others the date or you will cancel and start again with trusted friends

Another one who would love to be a MN Wedding Witness.

Where in the country are you?

If you are in the South West, I'm happy to be a witness if you need one

We're near the Somerset/Devon border if you need witnesses and are close by!

Do what you want for your wedding, don't let anyone else (MN included, I'm sure we wouldn't!) tell you what to do.

If you do as your dad wants and invite sisters etc so as not to cause problems then you won't be having what you want. Either they'll be upset or you will, let it be them rather than you, after all it is your special day, not theirs.

If you want particular people (eg parents, grandparents) there without telling others when the wedding is invite who you want coming to the ceremony to a nice meal 10 minutes before the time you have booked the registry office, at a nearby cafe/restaurant. When you all meet for the meal just tell them - change of plans, we're getting married. Then you can walk to the registry office, get married and take them all for fish and chips afterwards.

I would recommend getting a few photos though, it's the main thing I don't regret having. A few pics on a phone or digital camera, something so friends can share your special day later maybe. (A photographer friend took photos for us as our wedding present from them, otherwise we couldn't have afforded some ourselves, but nowadays we would have probably just had someone take a few digital pics.)

Have a lovely day, your way.

Agree with everyone else, just don’t tell any of them.

We had a very quiet wedding, we did invite my parents & DMIL, and one sibling .... but no other siblings .... none of them minded in the slightest, no hard feelings and we have all been there for each other in the 30 years since the wedding for serious illness, deaths etc.

I've been a random witness after a request posted on here and I'd love to do it again.
If you're in the Cambridgeshire / Hertfordshire area I'm available

it is your day and should be what you and your DP want, its not about anyone else, so do what you feel comfortable with

I had a big white wedding for my first marriage, didn't know what to do I found it stressful and the family politics, so many people I didnt know and like. 2nd time round so we ended up going to registery office with two friends and our dd, it was lovely, my family were fine his were a bit put out but no fucks were given

It’s your day, do as you please. If the people you invited are happy to come, great, there’s your witnesses. If not, grab some people who work there. Don’t let your df, who I note isn’t invited, tell you what to do. It’s nothing to do with him. Tell him to bugger off.