To say our wedding is about us, not family?

[SunshineMonday]

Our wedding is four months away, and we still haven't officially invited people. We booked it a year ago and it seemed so far away then, and decided on a register office wedding rather than eloping, as it was much cheaper to do it in a register office and money is an issue. At the time, I naively thought we could just invite a couple of people to witness and then do what we like, together.

The reasons for this are:

1. I am not close with my family. I've always felt bad around them and don't want this feeling on my wedding day. I now live quite a distance from them and see my parents maybe twice a year.
2. DP isn't bothered about involving his either
3. I have anxiety about being the centre of attention and find the idea of being up infront of everyone very daunting
4. We didn't want the stress of organising a wedding
5. Money!

Despite this, I am continually bugged with texts by my family about when it is, though I have told them we want something small and it's about us, not family - we want a marriage, not a party. Sorry if this is selfish. Me and DP decided (but haven't send invites) on inviting his parents, my grandmother, and my mother, as we will need witnesses afterall.

However, my father keeps messaging me saying I am going to cause a rift if I don't invite my whole family, including my three sisters, who I don't get on with and haven't seen in a year. Then he says I should invite their partners who I don't even know. I really don't want to do this, and I'm thinking about cancelling the whole thing.

I've told my father it's about us, not my family. But he still says I will cause a rift and I 'may need them one day'.

It's making me hate thinking about my own wedding. We are not having a photographer, flowers, wedding dress etc, and I know my sisters will turn their noses up. We also don't want to pay to cater for all these people afterwards due to money, and the fact we wanted to be by ourselves. Again, sorry if that's selfish.

Is the best option just to cancel the whole thing, and save up money to elope in a few years?

I've told the tale on here before of my late uncle & aunt avoiding a huge "do" they didn't want by missing morning lectures to nip to the registry office; they each asked their respective best mates to be witnesses, and finally let his DM (think Hyacinth Bouquet) know three weeks later, that the mega-nuptials would not now be necessary. It can be done. A long, happy marriage followed.
One of my friends relates how her form mistress took morning registration, and announced her new name at afternoon registration; again it was the long-term future they cared about.
Do whatever makes you happy on your day, and have the people there who add to the happiness.

I think in your shoes, I would invite parents, grandparents and siblings. If you’d planned a meal with your mother and grandmother, just change it to hors d’oeuvres and wine at your home, or nothing thereafter. Just make that clear on the invitations.

What I noticed with my parents is that, despite living separate lives from their siblings, once they got old, their parents gone, they each spent a considerable amount of time with their siblings.

Don’t do something you may regret later. An invitation, with no expectation from you that they attend, should cover you.

Rather than phrasing it as 'we want just a small do' just say 'we're having', leaving no room for negotiation.
We had a smallish wedding, cousins weren't invited and one aunt and uncle didn't attend because of it. But that's their problem. I only saw my cousins once or twice a year growing up and once we were all adults we didn't see each other at all. No malice involved, we're just not close. The cousins themselves had no problem with not getting an invite, it was just the aunts/uncles who had an issue because it's not how it was done in 'their day'.
But this is your day, so make sure it's what you want.

It is your day but you can’t control how others feel about your decisions.

What you are planning does come across as intentionally excluding half your family. I think you’re more likely to have a positive reaction if you invited all your close family (parents, GPs and siblings) or none at all.

Just make a decision, send out the invites and stick to it.

It sounds as if, at the moment, you are a bit betwixt and between. You haven't invited anyone, therefore people don't really know if they are coming or not.

Saying "just a small wedding" would normally include sisters, so if you are clear that you don't want them to come, you need to clarify this. (Again, sending out the invites would get this message across)

Your Dad probably has a point that not inviting some bits of the family will be upsetting to them. It absolutely doesn't mean that you have to invite people that you don't want there, but you should be making the decision understanding what the implications of that might be. As a pp said, you might cause less upset by just having random witnesses and no family present than just one or two family members there.

And IMHO, weddings aren't just about individuals, they are about two families forming a new family. This is one reason that weddings are a matter of public record, open to members of the public to attend, and bans are read / notices are published before a wedding takes place. So yes, you and your DH-to-be are the most important people involved in the wedding by a very long way, but not completely to the exclusion of everyone else.

I hope you get married in three weeks time find a way through this

Some friends of ours had an 'engagement party' (in reality, it was a night at the pub, people buying their own drinks). When they arrived at the party they announced they had just come from the registry office and had been married. They didn't want the fuss and expense of a wedding, just wanted their drinks down the pub. It worked out great.

Another Mumsnet wedding witness here. I had a lovely time - it was a beautiful wedding I got to wear a nice frock for a few hours

The other MN witness and I took a few photos with the bride and grooms phones for them as they all looked lovely dressed up.

There was no issues with the registry people.