To tell DP he doesn't deserve to be a dad?

[TheOrangeOwl]

First off, we're both tired, sleep deprived and have MH issues. He has physical health issues also but uses these as reasons to be mad a lot. We have a four week old baby and are still adjusting. I had an awful birth and am still healing.

Starts off with DC needing a nappy change. I hand DC to DP, saying I'd done every change so far today so he could do this one. He complains a bit but starts doing it. I then remember one of our pets needs medication and 1 - sitting on the floor hurts still, and 2 - I'm absolutely exhausted. So I ask him if he can do it. He says as he's halfway through the change no. I say I'll take over, can he please just do it. He gets very pissy, saying I just don't want to and that he has to do everything. DC then weed mid-change. DP stomps off, leaving DC on the changing table (waist height) in their own pee. I'm the other end of the room. I obviously go straight over, especially as DC is already very into rolling. I finish up the change, do a feed and story and get DC settled. DP had the whole time of this to come and speak to me but just sits there. After DC is settled I go to speak to DP as I'm fuming. I tell him he left DC unsafe, in harms way and it was completely unacceptable. His reasoning? Because he was pissed at me and DC didn't roll off it was fine. I then asked how am I meant to trust him around DC, he replies that I shouldn't make him pissed at me. I then had to walk away but said very plainly that he didn't deserve to be our child's dad, and that to stop being pissed at me/animal responsibilities he should just leave.

So, AIBU for 1 - being absolutely disgusted and fuming? and 2 - for saying what I said?

Also, he is still on leave so him helping with things isn't on top of work.

Honestly, I think you both need to grow up and forget about point scoring, who's changed more nappies and who is most tired!

You told argued with him who was going to change the baby. He then changes the baby. You then tell him to stop and do the pet. He says he’s changing the baby. You said do the pet. Ffs!!!

Yes he was in the wrong for leaving the baby. Without a shadow of doubt. But you could have waited until he’d finished and then asked him to do the pet.

Little one is only 4 week old. You need to work something out between you both or you are going to constantly at war. Poor baby!

FWIW at 4 weeks me and dp were arguing over nappy changes- because we both wanted to do it!

Yanbu. It's literally his job right now to help and he can't be arsed. Selfish, lazy cunt. I'm outraged he left a 4 week old baby like that. Why doesn't he just go back to work if he's no use at home anyway? At least he'll not be pissing you off or endangering his child. Yanbu.

Ye are exhausted and fighting will only make it worse.
When ye are feeling better divide the jobs and agree to be nicer to each other.

Congratulations on the baby, it will get easier eventually x

Could the pet’s medication not have waited till the nappy was done? I’d be annoyed at being asked to do something then told to do something different when I was half way through.
He shouldn’t have left the baby but I doubt a 4 week old is rolling.
I think things are all getting blown out of proportion. You need to start working as a team.

You both need to be nicer to each other. In this instance, the dog really could have waited and you were being ridiculous insisting he drop everything, again. But suspect you are both knackered and not exactly feeling energised and kind.

How is he a "selfish lazy cunt" when on OP saying "you do this as I've already done everything today and you need to do one" - so he does it?
Then halfway through gets told to stop and do the pet instead?

You're both sleep deprived, tired, and finding your feet as parents. Any one of those three is the recipe for a corker of an argument (or several arguments).

He was out of line for leaving the baby on the changing table. You were out of line for saying he doesn't deserve to be a dad. Neither one of you comes out of this covered in glory.

This early haze will pass but in the meantime try to be a bit kinder to one another

A 4 week old baby is rolling already? Really?

I think you over reacted & what you said was unkind but it sounds like youre both stressed. Let it go

I think that was a really horrible thing to say and you were totally unreasonable to say that.

He was unreasonable to huff about a nappy change.
You were unreasonable to ask him to do something else when he had already started the nappy change
He was unreasonable to leave the baby and stomp off

You are both tired. Things always seem worse when you are tired and tempers become frayed. But you are parents and need to work as a team, not work against each other.

Oh and 4 weeks old do not roll. Unless they're SuperBaby

I will say he isn't lazy and generally helps a lot. Also, usually I don't mind nappy changes at all I was just very very tired and didn't feel I could focus enough to do it. Yes the meds could have waited for the pet for a little while, but then DP would have whinged I should've done it to avoid him staying up later. It does feel a bit mean that he complains about doing everything when he really isn't, and he's off work still anyway! Yet I'm still doing 90% if the night time things for DC and housework during the day. I'm exhausted. But because he is in physical pain every day, I can still do the meds for the pet despite still healing from the birth.

Oh and 4 weeks old do not roll. Unless they're SuperBaby

My four week old did during tummy time (aka, scream angrily at the floor face first time). He was propped up on one of those curved cushions, managed to accidentally roll onto his back, and gave himself such a fright that he was inconsolable for a good thirty minutes after! He was four months old before he attempted it on purpose.

Yes, let it go, but don’t get into the habit of saying unkind things to each other. Don’t let resentment overpower kindness.
It’s so easy to fall into the tiredness competition or the ‘I do everything’ rut at this time. Make a point of bigging each other up.

DC really can roll onto both their sides, very quickly. DC was close enough to the edge of the mat that had they rolled, they could've easily been at risk of falling.

You both sound petty trying to one up each other 'I've changed more nappies', 'I'm more tired' 'I'm in more pain' , what did you think having a baby was going to be like? You didn't need to tell him to stop the nappy change you'd asked him to do, to do something that could've waited a couple of minutes until the nappy change was finished . He shouldn't have left DC on the change table (you were there anyway so DC wasn't really at risk, it was just to make an immature point) , but there is no way you should just throw around things like 'you don't deserve to be a father'.

Your relationship sounds awful and I am a bit aghast that you thought having a baby together was a good idea.
I say this with an 8 week old, having had a very traumatic labour and a very poorly newborn. The tiredness is hard and you're both working out your rhythm with baby, but this behaviour isn't helpful to anyone.

Also while a story is a nice thing, if you're that sleep you're snapping at each other like that, deprived a 4 week old has no idea what a story is, skip it - sing them a little song, tell them what grocery shopping you're going to buy tomorrow, cut out any unnecessary tasks and get some rest.

PP my DS couldn't roll right over at four weeks but rolled onto his side often and would kick, flail and thrash about to the extent I wouldn't leave him unattended on a changing unit.

Fair enough, I stand corrected then. However I can see why he was pissed off if you were saying you'd done them all day and he needed to do one, so he did. Then as soon as he started to you said he needed to be doing something else that could have waited until finished.
When you're both knackered that's going to kick off.

You asked him to change a nappy and when he was doing it asked him to stop and do something else? Could easily have said will you give the pet medication once your done. Didn’t need to be a massive ordeal

Also the first few months are stressful, be kind to each other. Saying you both have mental health issues adding sleep deprivation, a new baby, and both being in pain. Just be kinder

Yeah my DS could roll at that age. He rolled in his newborn check and the MW was like, "er... you shouldn't be able to do that."

Everything feels so much worse when your tired, just had a baby and feel like you do most of the work.

It was petty and you shouldn’t have said that and I imagine he’s very hurt. I would apologise for what you said and be more clear in what you need help with. You asked him to do something so he did and then asked him to stop midway when he could have just finished up and done it after.

If he doesn’t help or do his fair share of parenting I can imagine tensions are running high and everything feels worse.

Make sure he does his fair share, have regular “me time” and try to think rationally x

You told him to stop and do something else and that you would take over. He stopped and went to do the other thing. Like you told him to. Seems like he couldn't win tbh.

YAbothBU

you told him to change a nappy, so he did, then you told him to stop and do something else which could’ve waited til he was finished. I would be cross too!

No he shouldn’t have left the baby, but you were in the room. Surely it took no more than a couple of seconds to take a few steps closer to the baby?

But what you said to him was really nasty and uncalled for! He’s tired, he made a stupid misjudgement while angry. You will make mistakes too and won’t appreciate him being horrible about them.

You both need to grow the fuck up, stop point scoring and sniping at each other: you really don’t seem to like him much at all which does beg the question why would you have a baby with him. But that’s unhelpful now the baby is here. You’re both tired, you need to cut each other some slack and be kind to each other.

Neither of you are sounding great at this stage, but I agree, you can’t tell him halfway through changing a baby to do something else (then argue until he does), and then be annoyed when he does what you tell him?