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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP he doesn't deserve to be a dad?

93 replies

TheOrangeOwl · 02/02/2019 23:58

First off, we're both tired, sleep deprived and have MH issues. He has physical health issues also but uses these as reasons to be mad a lot. We have a four week old baby and are still adjusting. I had an awful birth and am still healing.

Starts off with DC needing a nappy change. I hand DC to DP, saying I'd done every change so far today so he could do this one. He complains a bit but starts doing it. I then remember one of our pets needs medication and 1 - sitting on the floor hurts still, and 2 - I'm absolutely exhausted. So I ask him if he can do it. He says as he's halfway through the change no. I say I'll take over, can he please just do it. He gets very pissy, saying I just don't want to and that he has to do everything. DC then weed mid-change. DP stomps off, leaving DC on the changing table (waist height) in their own pee. I'm the other end of the room. I obviously go straight over, especially as DC is already very into rolling. I finish up the change, do a feed and story and get DC settled. DP had the whole time of this to come and speak to me but just sits there. After DC is settled I go to speak to DP as I'm fuming. I tell him he left DC unsafe, in harms way and it was completely unacceptable. His reasoning? Because he was pissed at me and DC didn't roll off it was fine. I then asked how am I meant to trust him around DC, he replies that I shouldn't make him pissed at me. I then had to walk away but said very plainly that he didn't deserve to be our child's dad, and that to stop being pissed at me/animal responsibilities he should just leave.

So, AIBU for 1 - being absolutely disgusted and fuming? and 2 - for saying what I said?

Also, he is still on leave so him helping with things isn't on top of work.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 03/02/2019 07:22

Whilst I'm here, if anyone has any advice on making episiotomy/tear stitches/scars less sore I'd really, really appreciate it. 3b grade tear and still sore.
Try 'spritz for bits' it definitely helped my stitches heal, I felt sore a few weeks after (tear and episotomy) and got some feeling a bit sceptical but willing to give anything a go. It was really good. It's just natural oils lavender, tea tree, witch hazel etc, I spritzed some on direct after showering then put some on a maternity pad even after the bleeding stopped. It was soothing and it seemed to reduce swelling very quickly. It's about £20 a bottle but I used it liberally multiple times a day and was healed before I'd used a whole bottle.

Starlight456 · 03/02/2019 07:30

I hope you all got a reasonable amount of sleep.

You were unfair to ask him to do the pets medication that second. He needed to prioritise the baby at that point .

You are both in pain , both tired and life has changed beyond recognition.

I hope you have downgraded your housework for now . Can you do some batch cooking ( either if you whole the other looks after baby ) try and minimise what needs doing .

Are you taking naps when baby does?

Kittykat93 · 03/02/2019 07:38

Leaving the baby on top of the changing table was bad obviously. But you were really horrible to him. And why ask him to do the nappy and then demand he stops and does the dog who could have waited an extra five minutes? I understand you're tired but you need to stop causing rows where there doesn't need to be one.

Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 07:40

Lack of sleep really does bring out the worse doesn't it..

But a man wouldn't be given the same consideration. If he said what she did then people wouldn't be making excuses. Despite the fact that he is in pain pretty much all the time.

Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 07:41

Forgot to say that it's good op realises what she said isn't right and that they need to be kinder. And I am sure things will get easier for them.

But let's not start making excuses based on tiredness or being in pain.

Onescaredmuma · 03/02/2019 07:43

For the tear pour witch Hazel onto maternity pads and put them in the freezer. My midwife recommended it and it was magic!
I've been there before too tired to do a nappy change so ask DH then realise there is a bigger job that needs to be done. I just groan to myself about my poor choice and then go and get the job done. If baby's rolling at 4 weeks you seriously have my sympathy they'll be crawling before you know it and and that's when the real fun begins! I long for the days I could put my DCs down somewhere and they would stay thereGrin

Tiredeyes21 · 03/02/2019 07:47

After four weeks you should be feeling pretty much OK re stitches OP, have you been checked recently? Have you had a look yourself to see if everything looks ok?

I had spinal forceps and a lot of stitches but was up and about pretty quickly and after four weeks apart from being slightly uncomfortable during sex I was all back to normal.

Have a look in a mirror and make sure everything looks OK.

You both need to be kind to each other, if he turned around and said the same I’m sure it would break you ..... so dont say it to him.
Split the load, ie certain times they nappies (and feeding if FF) could be DHs.
Yes he shouldn’t have left DC on the mat however we all make mistakes and we are all human. I’m sure you have made some similar ones when you are honest with yourself.

also fast forward when he goes back to work the load will be even more... and he will be more tired. Nip it in the bud now otherwise it will only get worseb

diddl · 03/02/2019 07:48

Ok, it was handled badly by the Op-but stropping off & leaving a 4wk old in piss-bloody hell, what a nasty thing to do-nothing was the baby's fault!

If he hadn't done much all day-what was the problem with 1 nappy & then dealing with the pet?

He should just have said that he'd do the pet after the nappy imo.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/02/2019 07:49

You both need to grow up and stop trying to point score. You have a child.

Windgate · 03/02/2019 07:51

Are you both getting support for your MH issues and physical pain?

Pk37 · 03/02/2019 07:56

YABU.
You both sound just as bad so lay off each other and be kind

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/02/2019 08:05

I don't think he exactly "left" the child on the changing table. He was ordered to stop changing the nappy and go and see to the pet. When he said he would do it after the nappy change, he was told it had to be THAT INSTANT. So he stopped changing the nappy and went to see to the pet. This whole time the child's mother was in the room. I'm assuming that the room isn't the size of a tennis court so I don't know how far away she could have been - a few feet perhaps? Seeing as he was ordered to stop changing the nappy and see to the pet, I'm not sure how he could have done that and still somehow stayed at the changing table.

Dillydallyalltheway · 03/02/2019 08:16

Are you both very young parents ? I don’t mean that with any disrespect but tired or not, you both have had this baby and must have realised it would be really difficult at times. Unfortunately it doesn’t Matter how tired either of you are, the baby is going to be constantly hard work and needy. Do you have any family or friends that might be able to help you out very occasionally?

Sunnysidegold · 03/02/2019 08:16

Oh OP poor you having had an awful birth and still feeling the pain from stitches etc. I would definitely get them checked out just to make sure that everything is ok. Great advice from pp regarding tips for stitches and soothing- lavender baths really helped me.

I too had a traumatic birth and I think looking back a debrief would have been really valuable. You should ask your health visitor about having one. You could have questions answered about the procedure choices and might help you understand things a bit more.

I think you know yabu about saying what you did bit you need to just suck it up and tell him you're sorry for saying that and you were frustrated about x y z. The important thing is you are o my 4 weeks into parenting so now is the time to decide the division of labour so to speak. You mentioned your oh has health issues - do these impact on your day to day life pre baby? Now is maybe a time to figure out what tasks he can reasonably do. Maybe he does all nappy changes when he is home and you do the night ones when he is back to work? He can nurse baby while you shower? Fix dinner?

Definitely sleep when baby sleeps - I was guilty of using this time to do housework but if you are well slept you'll be better ready for night feeds and thibgs.

Good luck

BonfiresOfInsanity · 03/02/2019 08:24

To the PP who said babies don’t roll at 4 weeks DS was at 1 day! He kept curling up and just rolling over. The midwife came in and told me off for putting him on his side at one point, she wouldn’t believe me that he was doing it himself! 🤔

TheGoogleMum · 03/02/2019 08:25

The first few weeks are tough. Firstly you say youve been doing 90% of the housework - forget that except absolute essentials. When family visit ser if theyll help with that. Make sure he knows your body is still recovering and how you need him to help you. I can see why he got annoyed though he's tired too remember and bit seemed like you guilt tripped him into doing a nappy change (my DH gets grumpy if I make it a comparison but if I straight ask him to do something he usually will) and then when he was doing it nagged him to do something else. It's not wrong to need him to do those things for you but I can see why your approach annoyed him in a sleep deprived state. You need to be kinder to each other and accept you are both trying your best

TacoLover · 03/02/2019 08:33

I'm horrified people are saying we shouldn't have had one

Why are you horrified? This is what you told your own partner, except you told him that he didn't even deserve itConfused

strawberrisc · 03/02/2019 08:39

With regards to the episiotomy I agree with a poster above. Salt baths, salt baths, salt baths.

Cera · 03/02/2019 08:42

You both really need to grow up. It sounds as if you were provoking him. Am sure if you'd just left him to change the baby. Then you'd have explained the pet medication calmly. It appears like you were looking for an argument. You got one.
Incidentally. Any reason you couldn't get the medication yourself. Or change the baby yourself in the first place so that your DP can get it?
You say your DP doesn't deserve the little boy, well, he doesn't deserve it any more more than you do.!
What pettiness!

Calmdown14 · 03/02/2019 08:44

Say sorry, even if you feel it to be equally his fault. Accept neither of you are acting like yourselves as you are exhausted. From a practical point of view, take turns. Nice as the 'we are a family together' is in theory, tag team is better when you are exhausted. So one of you go to bed very early and the other stay up with baby. If you are breast feeding express one feed. Drinking from a bottle is a useful skill to learn and lets dad be more involved. Then you will be better prepared for night feeds. Also, when i had my first i changed him far more than was probably necessary. Went through half the nappies with number 2! So if it's not really needed don't do it multiple times through night. Also for you, try a walk a bit more. I wanted to punch my mum when she told me this when i was really suffering but actually moving more did really help. Treat this week as preparation for when he goes back to work and start getting into a better shared routine. Do you have a spare room? Or room in baby's bedroom for a bed? I slept in with mine in early weeks as DH had to be up early but he took them early morning and later at night so i could sleep. It gets easier

LostInShoebiz · 03/02/2019 08:45

The baby was hardly abandoned. OP was on the other side of the room where she had just told the man to leave the baby and deal with the pet. Unless she’s in some massive mansion, she was a second or so from the baby.

He might be annoying you, being lazy (in your view) but there is no excuse for saying such a hurtful thing.

FlaviaAlbia · 03/02/2019 08:49

Agree with PP that it's hard and being kind to each other is the only way to survive the newborn madness.

Distilled witch hazel poured onto maternity pads is a lifesaver for stitches. It's very soothing and took some of the heat off for me.

You can ask for a birth debrief and talk through what happened and why with a midwife if it would help you make sense of everything.

CalmdownJanet · 03/02/2019 08:54

The irony of you being horrified that people told you you shouldn't have had a baby after you telling your dh he didn't deserve to be a dad is funny! and no it doesn't make a difference they are strangers who do don't know you, what you said was awful and way ott

Moominfan · 03/02/2019 08:59

It can be such a big adjustment, like someone's thrown a bomb into your relationship. Op it's not a battle of wills although it probably feels it

MQv2 · 03/02/2019 09:14

"leaving a 4wk old in piss-bloody hell,"

How was he meant to stop changing her and let op take over as she insisted but also continue with the change and clean up the wee thus defying the op.
Agree he was set up to fail by the op.

He cleans up the piss then he can't do one simple thing he's been asked to do and go see to the dog, if he stops mid change and does exactly what the op demanded then he's left his could covered in piss.

It was a spectacularly cruel thing to say by the op.

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