To tell DP he doesn't deserve to be a dad?

[TheOrangeOwl]

First off, we're both tired, sleep deprived and have MH issues. He has physical health issues also but uses these as reasons to be mad a lot. We have a four week old baby and are still adjusting. I had an awful birth and am still healing.

Starts off with DC needing a nappy change. I hand DC to DP, saying I'd done every change so far today so he could do this one. He complains a bit but starts doing it. I then remember one of our pets needs medication and 1 - sitting on the floor hurts still, and 2 - I'm absolutely exhausted. So I ask him if he can do it. He says as he's halfway through the change no. I say I'll take over, can he please just do it. He gets very pissy, saying I just don't want to and that he has to do everything. DC then weed mid-change. DP stomps off, leaving DC on the changing table (waist height) in their own pee. I'm the other end of the room. I obviously go straight over, especially as DC is already very into rolling. I finish up the change, do a feed and story and get DC settled. DP had the whole time of this to come and speak to me but just sits there. After DC is settled I go to speak to DP as I'm fuming. I tell him he left DC unsafe, in harms way and it was completely unacceptable. His reasoning? Because he was pissed at me and DC didn't roll off it was fine. I then asked how am I meant to trust him around DC, he replies that I shouldn't make him pissed at me. I then had to walk away but said very plainly that he didn't deserve to be our child's dad, and that to stop being pissed at me/animal responsibilities he should just leave.

So, AIBU for 1 - being absolutely disgusted and fuming? and 2 - for saying what I said?

Also, he is still on leave so him helping with things isn't on top of work.

Your both really tired, I remember when my dh and I had our first child god the sleep deprivation was awful, once they start sleeping through the night it gets a bit easier remember when your sleep deprived you tend not to think to clearly.

If my husband told me I didn't deserve to be a mother to our child it would absolutely break me. I could never forget it and it could actually drive an unfixable wedge between us. I don't know if I could forgive that.

It sounds that you are a bit bitter and fed up with your partner. Your post does sound a bit like a competition - who is more tired, who is in more pain, who had done more housework/baby caring, etc. You said you told him to change the nappy as you were too tired. What were you expecting having a newborn baby to be like? What will you do when he is back at work and you're tired then? Insisting that he then stops what you told him (not asked) to do to do something else, surely you can see how annoying that would be? You said you would take over so he probably assumed you'd be over to the changing table within seconds, even from the other side of the room it wouldn't take long. Yes, we can all see that there was a slight risk to that baby but it could just be a new parent learning the ropes. I'm sure most of us would look back and cringe at a mistake we made during the early days.

You actually sound rather bossy and a bit disrespectful to your partner. I think you have a huge apology to make and a lot of grovelling to do. Your partner was thoughtless in his actions when feeling provoked and nagged but what you said was deliberately spiteful and incredibly hurtful.

Everything is blown completely out of proportion when you are both sleep deprived with a newborn. It’s common to become petty and engage in aimless point scoring such as “I’ve changed more nappies than you!” “Well I was up more in the night!” Etc. This is the reason people say having a baby does NOT strengthen a relationship, quite the opposite happens in fact...

Go easy on yourselves and on each other.

You were controlling/dramatic/spiteful. You should apologise. If he’s not pulling his weight then that needs to be addressed calmly. Can you feed the baby and then go to bed leaving him in charge?

Get rid of the pets (rehome) and focus on DC since the pair of you clearly cannot cope.

You are both exhausted. It's not a points scoring exercise, and pet medication isn't something that is to the minute either - start thinking of it as a partnership and you each bring different skills. Start the day afresh.

Reading up with all these dp at home issues I'm glad mine went back to work, no paternity leave then!

I think you were nasty and should apologise. If my partner said that to me, that I didn’t deserve to be a mother, I’d find that hard to come back from.

Talk to your HV about how you’re feeling too.

If my husband said similar to me, there'd be no coming back from that. You sound abusive.

YABU to say that to him. That's just nasty. It would annoy me to be told to do one thing and then half way through it be told to do something else. Does he tell you what to do?? I hope you both slept and things are better today.

Have you both got support for your MH? If not it's worth asking for some/self referring. DH and I also both have MH problems, his CPN has been involved in discussions about balancing a new born with his MH needs since pre-conception and my MW has already got me extra support from perinatal MH nurse. DDs not due til April. We have been told that extra support from HV and SS will be available if we need it once DD arrives. If you don't already have a good MH support system in place it's worth asking for help, you don't know what's available until you do.

I think you were being a bit bossy telling him to do one thing then another however

This stands out for me he replies that I shouldn't make him pissed at me

This needs stamping on. It is his doing that he feels 'pissed' at you. You didnt make him. This is not far off...you made me do it/shout at you /hit you.

Whether this is a nasty side coming out or he is just tired/mental health issues I dont know

Update:

Sorry about the time of night, DC was up for a feed and change so doing this whilst I'm awake.

Yesterday morning (morning after the argument) we both slept in for ages in the end, DC slept too, so we both woke up feeling a lot better. We put it aside for the early afternoon to both team together and sort DC out, have breakfast (we slept that late) and sort out pets/other jobs. Then after all that we talked, I apologised for what I said and being demanding and an arse, he apologised too and promised to never leave DC on the changing table again, that he'd always be careful. We then had a great rest of the day.

In regards to the tear healing. Yesterday I took DC's car seat down some stairs and definitely felt something happen to the scar? Not sure what but it hurt. So we looked at bits on Amazon and have ordered Tucks pads and some spritz stuff? Hoping when these arrive they will help. I also explained things to DP about being in pain still and feeling a bit funny mentally with what happened in the birth of DC and it felt good to get it all out. He gave me a cuddle and we also agreed him going back to work will help as we've never spent so much time together.

Thank you everyone for your advice, it has helped enormously

I think you need to apologise to him.

YANBU - you shouldn’t need to ask him to change the baby like he’s doing you a favour. It’s 100% his job as much as it’s yours. And to endanger your baby because he’s in a strop is really unforgivable.

You’re probably both much less tolerant than normal because of sleep deprivation but that still doesn’t excuse what he did.

I remember when my epesiotomy scar was still open and healing. It'd kind of heal overnight when I was still but then when I got up and moved around it'd come open a bit again. It did that a few times. I did have to go and get it checked because the stitches came open but they were only the surface stitches - further inside everything was normal. I was told not to sit on thoae V-shaped cushions because although it was more comfortable it pulled the wound apart a bit so made things worse. I think it took 6+ weeks to heal properly.

Some drops of lavender in a warm bath every night really really helped my stitches heal x

Oh bless you OrangeOwl it is so hard being sleep deprived and having a new baby. I am glad to hear that you have made up. I remember those days and remember feeling like I would never feel human again and would never forgive my DH for sleeping and not being able to BF the baby ;-)
But now DS is 5 and DH and I look back on those early days with the sort of rueful pride- we got through it together. I am sure that you and your DP will feel the same!