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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP he doesn't deserve to be a dad?

93 replies

TheOrangeOwl · 02/02/2019 23:58

First off, we're both tired, sleep deprived and have MH issues. He has physical health issues also but uses these as reasons to be mad a lot. We have a four week old baby and are still adjusting. I had an awful birth and am still healing.

Starts off with DC needing a nappy change. I hand DC to DP, saying I'd done every change so far today so he could do this one. He complains a bit but starts doing it. I then remember one of our pets needs medication and 1 - sitting on the floor hurts still, and 2 - I'm absolutely exhausted. So I ask him if he can do it. He says as he's halfway through the change no. I say I'll take over, can he please just do it. He gets very pissy, saying I just don't want to and that he has to do everything. DC then weed mid-change. DP stomps off, leaving DC on the changing table (waist height) in their own pee. I'm the other end of the room. I obviously go straight over, especially as DC is already very into rolling. I finish up the change, do a feed and story and get DC settled. DP had the whole time of this to come and speak to me but just sits there. After DC is settled I go to speak to DP as I'm fuming. I tell him he left DC unsafe, in harms way and it was completely unacceptable. His reasoning? Because he was pissed at me and DC didn't roll off it was fine. I then asked how am I meant to trust him around DC, he replies that I shouldn't make him pissed at me. I then had to walk away but said very plainly that he didn't deserve to be our child's dad, and that to stop being pissed at me/animal responsibilities he should just leave.

So, AIBU for 1 - being absolutely disgusted and fuming? and 2 - for saying what I said?

Also, he is still on leave so him helping with things isn't on top of work.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrangeOwl · 03/02/2019 01:01

I absolutely love him, our baby has been an amazing change in our lives and I'm horrified people are saying we shouldn't have had one. Before the birth we had a long, stable and very healthy happy relationship. I'm not blaming our child, it's just since the birth things have been bitter and hard. You shouldn't judge so quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrangeOwl · 03/02/2019 01:03

Thank you to everyone though for the advice. You're right, we do need to be kinder and boost each other up. I think also so much time together has been a difficult adjustment (we've had almost five entire weeks with each other as he took extra leave after the bad birth) and hopefully when he goes back to work things will get better.

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 01:05

What you said was really shitty.

It's a difficult time, be kinder to eachother.

I would have been really pissed at Dp if he told me to do something then tried to make stop and do something else, then say that to me.

GlitterStick · 03/02/2019 01:10

People saying you shouldn't have had one, ignore them - there's always some who spout off behind a keyboard and go to far.
Having a baby is exhausting, for both of you - just both take it easy and give each other some slack Smile Flowers

SilverDoe · 03/02/2019 01:13

I have to say while everything else is quite normal (though not ideal, but nobody is perfect when sleep deprived) you need to give your head a wobble and not say anything like that to your DH again. That’s an awful thing to say. Don’t make a new parent feel like that.

Hope you can both get some sleep soon and take time for each other too. You both need to let the pettiness go, it will kill your affection.

It’s such a special time to have a newborn, while some snippiness is to be expected you want to make sure you’re both doing the opposite of your instincts at that point and being nice to each other, or you’ll regret it when those little newborn weeks are gone

user1473878824 · 03/02/2019 01:17

OP you both need to be kinder to each other especially as you’re both knackered, which I know is effort. And he could have been less snappy and just done things. But what you said to him was really awful and you need to apologise and explain - in a non-but but but but way.

Original poster
TheOrangeOwl · 03/02/2019 01:18

Thank you. I know it wasn't right saying what I said, I just couldn't stop thinking what if DC had rolled off? It's a high drop and could've ended very badly. It terrified me tbh.

I think for now both of us should sleep and in the morning have a long chat. And then some me time.

Whilst I'm here, if anyone has any advice on making episiotomy/tear stitches/scars less sore I'd really, really appreciate it. 3b grade tear and still sore.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 03/02/2019 01:25

Definitely get some sleep and have a chat xx

NC4Now · 03/02/2019 01:26

It’s really not great leaving the baby like that but there are better ways to say it.

Re your scars, are you taking regular pain relief? And salt baths. Childbirth can be quite traumatic, physically and emotionally. Are you ok about how it went?

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2019 01:27

He really does deserve an apology for what you said. Don't try and skirt round that, just say sorry and retract it in the morning. How would you feel if he'd said you didn't deserve to be a mother?

Once that's done, what everyone else said. Be nicer and cut each other some slack. Newborn babies are hard work all round.

Schmoobarb · 03/02/2019 01:32

Oh dear. Early weeks and months with a first baby are HARD! I’d have cheerfully told my husband to go fuck himself several times during our first year as parents and he was a cunt to me on more than one occasion as well.

It wasn’t a nice thing to say but he shouldn’t have left the baby like that. Flowers

Schmoobarb · 03/02/2019 01:35

For the pain, get your stitches checked. Mine got infected which was grim. For the swelling, voltarol tablets (diclofenac?) helped

SilverBirchTree · 03/02/2019 02:29

I'd be super pissed off about him leaving the baby on a change table. That is incredibly dangerous and stupid. That he said his behaviour was justified because you made him mad is a red flag for me. Does DP think he is entitled to put the baby in harms way as a way of punishing you? What a dick.

HoppingPavlova · 03/02/2019 02:43

Sure, he should not have left the baby on the change table. Maybe he didn’t realise they could roll yet as that is quite unusual. Still, you never know when they will start so common sense from birth never to leave them there.

To be honest though you both sound odd. I just don’t understand why you had to demand he stop the nappy change half way through and medicate the petConfused. Your rationale is so he could get to bed earlier. Doesn’t make sense as nappy changing is not a marathon event so even saying the remaining half of the change would take 5mins (which is unlikely), it’s really not going to make any material difference to his bedtime or sleep. I would have been pissy if someone demanded this of me as it’s just weird. No idea why he just didn’t tell you he would do it once he was finished and ignore it if you were cracking it not having him jump to it. You both need to give your heads a wobble.

OlennasWimple · 03/02/2019 02:47

Be kind to yourselves

Be kind to each other

Rinse and repeat

Rtmhwales · 03/02/2019 02:58

How is people saying the OP and her partner shouldn't have had a baby any worse or different than the OP telling baby's father that he doesn't deserve to be a father, which she apparently finds perfectly acceptable?

Original poster
TheOrangeOwl · 03/02/2019 03:17

@Rtmhwales Because 1 - they are strangers who know nothing about my circumstances or family life aside from snipers. And 2 - I don't think it was acceptable. Maybe read the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrangeOwl · 03/02/2019 03:22

@NC4Now I don't think I am okay with it. I'd do it all over again and I don't feel traumatised but I do wish it'd been different. It felt very invasive, I was pushed into a lot with little explanation for DC's health. I wanted DC to be okay so did everything that was suggested but it was rough. I also had PPH surgery with no clue what happened in it and that bothers me a lot. Sorry, didn't mean to bang on there.

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 03:29

Poor DP. You need to apologize

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 03/02/2019 03:30

YABVU and very nasty. Your pet didn’t need medication right that second. It could have waited until he’d finished the other task you’d asked him to, no need for ‘just do it’.

It appears, consciously or otherwise, you’re setting him up to fail. Getting him to do one thing then changing your mind when he starts doing it to get him to do something else.

What you said to him was unacceptable and uncalled for, and he won’t ever forget it. He may forgive you for it, but he will always remember you told him he doesn’t deserve to be a father. Comments like that never go away.

CheshireChat · 03/02/2019 03:38

You can absolutely have a chat on how you can share stuff better though, definitely not fair for you to do the vast majority, especially so soon after birth.

Wanted to say, that one of my favourite first pictures of DS is from either his first or second day and he was grabbing on to the side of the cot (still in the maternity ward) and trying to roll over in a rage!

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 03:44

YABU.
He was doing what you told him to do (which I disagree with in the first place). Then you told him to stop and do something else (second disagreement). Nobody likes being dictated to.
And you don't get to tell someone whether they deserve to be a Dad or not (third disagreement). You're not God.

How would you like it if he told you what to do - Hey You, child needs changing. You start to change child. Hey You, dog needs meds - go and do that. That's not good enough. Hey You, you don't deserve to be a mother.

He has nothing to apologise for. You have though.

kateandme · 03/02/2019 04:30

your both shattered.and in pain.this make us snippy.want to be helped.want to be validated and supported and want to nip and vent and it makes you ratty and point scoring people.
so at this stage you have to be really aware of yourselves and what your saying.its really hard.and can be a really vunerable time for families.
so you have to try and big eachother up loads and re-word almost everything before it comes out!not always but lots of the time
so instead of asking and then asking.maybe I could have been "oh thanks so much,after would you mind doing the pets meds as im still really sore and don't think I can manoeuvre down there tonight."
you have to explain more so people don't read between lines that aren't there which often happens when you tired and antsy.
but saying things like you did.that was only ever intented to get him right in the heart and it would hurt any parent even before they are feeling like you both are.

Highonthehill · 03/02/2019 07:11

I hope you have each other a hug before going to sleep. The first few months (and more) and it's tough to keep a check on emotions.

Also there will be plenty more times when your toddler injuries them selves or falls or does something dangerous where you will blame.each other for not watching the Tasmanian devil close enough...Grin

Hisashiburi · 03/02/2019 07:21

Can everyone please remember that the OP has just had a traumatic birth and is knackered?!
Lack of sleep really does bring out the worse doesn't it..I hope you manage a bit of test soon.
I had the same birth as you including the PPH so you have my sympathies. Try milk and lavender baths, pouring a jug of water over your parts after weeing and having a shower down there after a number 2. Keep getting your stitches checked when you visit any GP/midwife to avoid infection and avoid strenuous exercise. It does get better...I don't feel any pain now but remember the early days xx

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