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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be turning down spur of the moment visits from mother in law?

95 replies

PRoseLegend · 02/02/2019 17:01

I'm an introvert and I just became a mum 7 weeks ago.
My mother in law keeps calling and asking to "pop around" on the same day she calls.
I have declined several times, but countered with a "But you could come on this afternoon next week, or come by on Saturday?" etc, because I want her company, I just don't want it at the last minute when I've had a perfectly lovely day to myself (and DS) planned in my mind.
She has said to me she feels like I'm pushing her away and don't want her to be involved. This is not the case, she's lovely and I appreciate her, I just don't do well with last minute drop-ins and prefer to plan ahead with social engagements.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MeredithGrey1 · 02/02/2019 17:07

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, especially since you’re offering alternative times.
Have you explained to her that it’s not her, and that you just prefer planned visits where possible? If you genuinely like her and enjoy her company, maybe get some dates planned in now so she knows those are coming up, and maybe she’ll be less likely to suggest spur of the moment visits?

Guineapiglet345 · 02/02/2019 17:24

You’re not doing anything wrong, she need to appreciate that it’s not always convenient to pop in.

Drogosnextwife · 02/02/2019 17:26

My dad does this but he doesn't call first, infact you are lucky if he even chaps the door and if he does he just chaps and walks in. It's really starting yo grate on me because he's doing it every day atm and it's always at a really bad time, then he acts a bit out out if I don't have time to make him coffee or the kids don't drop what they are doing and run to see him.

flumpybear · 02/02/2019 17:41

You just need to talk to her - tell her you'd prefer planned visits not last minute ones because you have plans you're looking forward to - it's not that you don't love her if you're pushing her away, it's thst you're trying to integrate with other mums in the area and you don't want to compromise they for a visit they could be later that day or planned a day later

One thing that kills relationships is lack of communication ... just be nice but firm thst you've got plans but you'd love to see her on either x y z etc Wink

Enjoy your baby and making new friends

Kintan · 02/02/2019 17:56

I'm not sure, it does seem a bit mean that close family have to book an appointment. This would be unheard of in my family, but everyone is different. If it was your mum who did this would you mind? If so then fair enough, but if not, then that's a bit unreasonable. (I'm assuming that your mum is around, but if she isn't apologies). Does your husband mind your MiL popping round unannounced?

Confusedbeetle · 02/02/2019 18:00

Why don't you pre-empt by inviting her on a day to suit you, in a few days time

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/02/2019 18:00

Can you not keep her a slot every week? When I had pfb I met them mil from work on a Fri lunchtime and we spent the afternoon together with dd.
Even when we split up we kept the arrangement for a good while.
Leaves you the rest of the week to do your own thing guilt free.

OutPinked · 02/02/2019 18:02

My FIL visited earlier and literally was saying he will always give us as much notice as possible because he hated his in-laws just popping around randomly when his DC were young. I don’t like spontaneous visitors either and always expect notice so I can arrange the day, make sure the house looks acceptable etc.

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2019 18:05

Could you say tomorrow instead of this day next week? “I’m sorry- i’m really tired today-how about tomorrow?” Next week does sound very “pushing away-ish”.

On a side note, and at a risk of sounding bossy, keep an eye on yourself- not wanting to socialise can be a sign of PND.....

Seline · 02/02/2019 18:05

YANBU.

I had a similar problem and we fell out over it. I told her she could come at x but had to leave at y. We still haven't spoken since.

RednaxelasPony · 02/02/2019 18:11

YANBU

MIL is being massively U. She should be grateful she is getting to see GC at all at this stage. At 7 weeks there is literally nothing she can do of any benefit to LO except bring YOU a hot meal and do a few loads of washing! Building a relationship with GP comes months down the line. She is being utterly self centred and should be embarassed of herself.

BackforGood · 02/02/2019 18:18

It's a popular thing over the last couple of years on MN, but I think it is odd.
She isn't even popping in, unannounced. She is calling ahead and asking you. If she is nice - as you say - it seems odd to me to keep rejecting her, yes. (Though I realise you don't actually want to hear that and have posted for people to say you aren't BU).

Seline · 02/02/2019 18:18

Why is it odd to not want people to pop in with only a few hours notice?

BackforGood · 02/02/2019 18:25

Because she is family. Family that even the DiL admits is nice. Why wouldn't you want someone to pop in and have a cuppa with you - hold the baby while you had a shower or even a nap, or all the other billion things you can't do with a newborn. Maybe you could ask her to pick up something on the way over, etc. I'd have felt incredibly isolated if no-one popped in to support me with a newborn.

Seline · 02/02/2019 18:29

Family don't have an automatic right to turn up unexpected.

I wouldn't want someone to pop in because

  • I'm sitting here with no makeup on in my Spider-Man pyjamas
  • I don't want to talk. I enjoy the quiet
  • My house is a tip because I've got baby stiff everywhere
  • I'm not comfortable with people holding the babies
  • I find smalltalk incredibly boring
  • I want to stare at my babies for hours undisturbed
  • I'm establishing a routine and don't want distractions or hindrances
  • I don't want to hear unsolicited advice
  • I don't want to do something that doesn't work and then feel like I've done something wrong in front of someone else
  • establishing breastfeeding

There are literally hundreds of reasons that may apply.

PinkGin24 · 02/02/2019 18:32

No way I would tolerate MIL phoning me up and expecting to pop round that day. And i don't even have any kids or a baby to work around. It just isn't on. She can't ask to pop round, it is when you invite her.

Notagainmun · 02/02/2019 18:55

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and possibly need to give in once in a while. As a paternal grandmother I get the most enjoyment of seeing my GC with her parents and don't tend to visit unless they are all home together. Either parent or both visit us with GD or drop her off when the need me to babysit.

I lived in walking distance of my several of my in laws who would just pop unannounced. PIL were not too often but my DH's siblings a pita. I tolerated it because they were his family and he tolerated mine, who I was happy to see anytime. However, DH did speak to his siblings about always calling as soon as we arrived home from work.

maddening · 02/02/2019 18:56

Did she pop by loads before the baby? If not how can you be pushing her away, she should not be pushing herself on you

user1493413286 · 02/02/2019 18:57

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; I’ve never liked last minute things like that and much less with a young baby.
You aren’t pushing her out as you’re inviting her over in a few days time

Waveysnail · 02/02/2019 18:58

Does your mum pop round?

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/02/2019 18:58

Family don't have an automatic right to turn up unexpected.

I wouldn't want someone to pop in because

But she's not turning up unexpected, she's ringing and saying can she come round later. It's just OP doesn't want her the same day, she wants at least 24 hours notice.

She can't ask to pop round, it is when you invite her. Oh, for goodness sake, she's family, she's the baby's grandmother! She's not just turning up, she's asking whether she can visit. When you're a grandmother, will you really be waiting for an invite rather than saying "would you be OK if I popped round this afternoon"?

user1466690252 · 02/02/2019 18:59

I couldn’t cope with this and I would say so. I hate anyone popping in and I don’t think your at all being unreasonable giving her a better time. You are not obliged to tolerate anyone. Self care, and if that’s sitting on your own in your Pjs with a newborn then anyone should understand that

museumum · 02/02/2019 19:00

I think “next week” is a long way away with a seven week old baby. Can you not invite her the next day or day after that at the latest?
Also why not be proactive and call her and invite her the next day?
Or as a pp suggested every Tuesday morning or whatever.

Seline · 02/02/2019 19:00

But she's not turning up unexpected, she's ringing and saying can she come round later. It's just OP doesn't want her the same day, she wants at least 24 hours notice.

Which is pretty normal. You should give adequate notice if you want to visit. Id hate to wake up thinking "oh god I wonder if anyone's going to come around today".

PerfectPeony · 02/02/2019 19:06

I like to plan ahead too. Even if it’s just a couple of days. There’s nothing wrong with that so just tell her again until she gets the message- I don’t have MIL over when DH isn’t here so it’s actually nice that you have that with her.

With a newborn my boobs were always out, hair a mess/ no make up, laundry everywhere. I preferred to know if someone was coming over.