Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be turning down spur of the moment visits from mother in law?

95 replies

PRoseLegend · 02/02/2019 17:01

I'm an introvert and I just became a mum 7 weeks ago.
My mother in law keeps calling and asking to "pop around" on the same day she calls.
I have declined several times, but countered with a "But you could come on this afternoon next week, or come by on Saturday?" etc, because I want her company, I just don't want it at the last minute when I've had a perfectly lovely day to myself (and DS) planned in my mind.
She has said to me she feels like I'm pushing her away and don't want her to be involved. This is not the case, she's lovely and I appreciate her, I just don't do well with last minute drop-ins and prefer to plan ahead with social engagements.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

okokokok · 02/02/2019 19:09

I would feel the same. I am a bit of an introvert and hate spur of the moment visitors. I like a days notice! I think I would message her and arrange for her to come the next day or you to go visit her. Or maybe grin and bear it a couple of times to show willing!

Original poster

PRoseLegend · 02/02/2019 19:22

Context: mother in law "popped over" almost every day in the first week, and all she wanted to do was "hold the baby".
I got understandably ticked off with her, and told her over a coffee a couple of weeks ago. She said "I want to help you".
So I told her explicitly the kinds of things that were helpful: offering to do dishes, cook a meal, etc.
She did pop around the following Thursday and cooked dinner for us while DH and I went for a walk.
I'm trying to offer alternatives when she calls to have a cuppa that very day, some days I agree for her to come over, but yesterday I was looking forward to a quiet afternoon.

I think I'll need to accept her "popping around with short notice" sometimes so as not to offend her, but also let her know that I prefer 24 hours notice most of the time, if not longer so that I can plan my week out.
My own mother lives interstate, so no, she doesn't "pop around", and if she did live close by I'd expect the same from her too, a text or a call, and at least a day's notice.
DH gets frustrated by his mother and doesn't want to see her more than 1-2 times per week, again, with notice.
Also I am being a lot more social than pre-pregnancy, I'm attending mother's groups and having a catch up at least twice a week with some of these mums to try to build some new friendships.
As I said before, I am an introvert, so while I love getting to know people I do desperately need my own space after socialising a lot.
I also just want to enjoy my child, and take time for some hobbies when he is asleep.
I got to do some craft yesterday afternoon, and I hadn't done any craft or painting since before the baby, so this was why I turned MIL down that particular day.
But I hate it when people ask "have you got any plans today or can I come over", as if spending a day to myself doesn't count as plans.

OP posts:

Seline · 02/02/2019 19:24

OP I think you're married to my husband, we have the same MIL

RandomMess · 02/02/2019 19:24

It may be less stressful and easier to manage to have a regular slot to see her once a week...

Original poster

PRoseLegend · 02/02/2019 19:25

Also MIL has ASD so she can be overbearing and takes some work sometimes.

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 02/02/2019 19:25

I'd just pop in when passing, but I'd be willing to clean, iron or mop floors. Holding the baby would not be my goals x

PerfectPeony · 02/02/2019 19:27

Context: mother in law "popped over" almost every day in the first week, and all she wanted to do was "hold the baby".

Oh my gosh! It sounds like you’ve been more than accommodating and incredibly patient. I wouldn’t even let my own Mum hold the baby for more than 20 minutes and she only popped over once in that first week... babies need to be with their Mums and it’s okay for you to insist on that.

Snowmaggedon · 02/02/2019 19:30

The ertnal Mil conundrum...

Being involved!!

How bloody involved!!

woolduvet · 02/02/2019 19:34

Ask to pin it down to a regular afternoon, could she take the baby for a walk round the block.
Just before a feed so she can't drag it out but it'd give you some space
And preferably on a night when dh is home early!

QuaterMiss · 02/02/2019 19:36

Lordy - modern families ...

Can't imagine wanting to enjoy a new baby in total isolation from its extended family.

And just think of the resentment you're building up in someone who might otherwise be offering love and support for decades to come ...

I'm really not sure that providing yourself with the label 'introvert' entitles you to deprive your child of spontaneous interaction with a loving (and apparently lovely) grandmother - just to suit yourself.

Seline · 02/02/2019 19:38

I know, a family wanting privacy. Worse than a North Korean prison camp.

PerfectPeony · 02/02/2019 19:40

Quater I agree extended family are really important but it’s about finding a balance where everyone is happy. I see my family on a regular basis but we’re not in and out of each others houses all the time.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 02/02/2019 19:44

I would have hated this. Having other people around, no matter how closely related to you they are, means that you are not free to do as you choose. They always have to enter your considerations. Only when you're alone are you truly free (or that's how I feel anyway).

Generally, I decide that the flack I would get for refusing a visit will be worse to cope with than the visit itself, so I accept. But I rarely actually want them there. It's
different if I invite them, obviously!

QueenOfCatan · 02/02/2019 19:46

Yanbu. I hate people popping over with little notice regardless of who they are, that's fine. Some people don't mind and that's also fine.

My mil used to pop in a lot which was disrupting us as it meant I couldn't really plan things as she'd turn up just as I was popping out or just as I got DD down for a nap, so I set a time each week to suit her instead, which she never turned up for this was when DD was old enough to get excited about nanny popping round at lunch time so it bugged me that I was telling my daughter that no, we can't go out as we're waiting for nanny and then she couldn't be arsed to come or to tell me that she wasn't coming. then she got annoyed when I was out at other times that she decided to pop over

Seline · 02/02/2019 19:47

Only when you're alone are you truly free (or that's how I feel anyway).

That's how I feel too. There are a handful of people who are an exception to this but it's rare.

Batteriesallgone · 02/02/2019 19:49

Well, personally I used to love crafting when MIL came over and held the baby because if baby started crying I could still finish my row, haha.

I get on really well with MIL but I do remember in those early days it sometimes feeling a bit invasive that someone was in my space. What I did was to make it useful time, crafting, cooking dinner (I like cooking), basically doing something I enjoyed while MIL bobbed the baby round and sang to him.

I found that much more helpful that just sitting and chatting, and I also think it’s nice to give a GP a bit of space to build the bond (although always close enough to rush in and feed if they need it!)

HollowTalk · 02/02/2019 19:50

I despair of people on here. If you have a good relationship with your MIL or mother, why wreck it by being strange about visitors?

Batteriesallgone · 02/02/2019 19:50

I should say, now I have three, my weekly visits from MIL are a lifeline haha

We’ve settled into a once a week routine - maybe suggest that to yours? That you make it regular days rather than just whenever

Fiona0x · 02/02/2019 19:51

Ah @PRoseLegend I was on your MIL side until I read your second comment. I get you, and contrary to what I initially thought, you aren't being U at all. Stick to your guns. And congratulations 🎉

Puggles123 · 02/02/2019 19:54

I think your DH needs a word, especially as he seems to agree with you.

cadburyegg · 02/02/2019 19:56

YANBU. I wouldn’t want my own mum “popping in” like that and we are extremely close. MIL will have plenty of opportunities to bond with her GC and doesn’t need to push herself on you.

I’m coming to the end of my second maternity leave, and I can’t stand the idea that mums of new babies are free all the time because they’re on “baby holiday”

Seline · 02/02/2019 19:58

strange about visitors?

Why is it strange to not want visitors last minute?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 02/02/2019 20:02

GMIL did this constantly she I had my PFB and I didn't have a backbone. AND I barely knew her AND she would stick her camera, flash on and everything, into my newborn's face.....

Yours sounds lovely. Send her a lovely invite for a particular day and suggest something you could do together smile mutually gazing at your beautiful baby - facepacks at home, order something in, order a mobile masseuse? Is that a thing? Because she sounds lovely and I think I can understand how she may feel pushed out. Despite the fact I'm someone who likes a good year's notice of impending visitors.

Or maybe there's a baby orientated activity you could do together, out of the house. I would have loved my mum or mil to have been able to do something maybe once a week with me and my firstborn, but they both worked.

AwdBovril · 02/02/2019 20:20

Some people just don't understand, OP. Some people are blessed with lovely, understanding & helpful family members. Some are not. My PILs used to arrive unannounced, wander in & sit down with so much as a by-your-leave. Once MIL sat in the chair that the health visitor had literally just stood up from - HV hadn't finished her visit! MIL demanded a cuddle with DD, HV gave up & suggested we finish another day. She had seen the look on my face when they arrived... We took to locking the door, even in summer, & screening calls.

It is lovely that you have a good relationship with your MIL. I recommend you establish, & enforce some boundaries, albeit gently & diplomatically, if you want the relationship to stay good. I'm an introvert, too, & their behaviour really impacted my MH after DD was born. DH & I never had another child.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 02/02/2019 20:35

I must confess I never understand all this mithering over bonding with grandparents. I grew up in a different country from all of mine and saw them once a year, in the summer. None of them were around for more than a few weeks when I was born. I got on with them all pretty well (still do with the suriving one!) despite the lack of weekly intense bonding time that I sometimes hear is essential for any sort of relationship at all

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread