To be turning down spur of the moment visits from mother in law?

[PRoseLegend]

I'm an introvert and I just became a mum 7 weeks ago.
My mother in law keeps calling and asking to "pop around" on the same day she calls.
I have declined several times, but countered with a "But you could come on this afternoon next week, or come by on Saturday?" etc, because I want her company, I just don't want it at the last minute when I've had a perfectly lovely day to myself (and DS) planned in my mind.
She has said to me she feels like I'm pushing her away and don't want her to be involved. This is not the case, she's lovely and I appreciate her, I just don't do well with last minute drop-ins and prefer to plan ahead with social engagements.
Am I being unreasonable?

Agree with setting an afternoon or morning a week for visits. I couldn't do this as MIL swirls shifts. Plus if I tried to arrange a time for a visit it always had to be when suited her routine and not ours.

I also tried going to visit her every week and meeting for coffee. Didn't make any difference. If anything it made her worse and even more entitled. so I handed over to DH. So stressful and she put a real dampener on my maternity leave. So selfish.

When mil reacts to pop round and I haven't put laundry away or the house needs hoovering I just say to her yeah sure but the house is a mess, her trainer is always in coming to see you and baby not the house! She also does bits when I go off to BF DS, I'll come back downstairs and she's loaded the dishwasher, or folded the clean laundry, (rehemmed the curtains I bought that we an inch too short -legend) or made me a sandwich and a cup of tea, lovely stuff.

I'm sorry but OPs mum popping round is not the same as her own mum popping round. The relationship one has with their mum is completely different from the one they have with their MIL.

I'm an introvert also.

I'm quite happy for my mum to pop round since I don't have to think about the conversation. It's just an easy relaxed visit since I've known her all my life. Mil does have to make an appointment because I need to gear up to mentally preparing to chit chat/be polite etc.

YANBU - this happened to me too. Unfortunately it’s just left things a bit awkward with my in laws and they still don’t get it that I’d prefer to plan ahead meet ups etc.

“ refuse to believe that anyone wouldn’t be a bit upset if they rang a close family member they lived near and who they knew was at home asking if they could pop round for a cup of tea to be met with “I’m sorry, no. How about a week today?”

“Sorry-today’s tricky. How about tomorrow?” sounds fine. “Sorry, how about this time next week?”sounds like a washing machine mender.

what about making a set date so you do something with her every say Tuesday afternoon then you and husband call to see her at weekend. Then she knows she is seeing you twice a week and you will feel happier having the visit planned and I'd just say if she called you have plans

I hate pop-ins. You are not being unreasonable at all to hate them too. I wouldn't even really want my mum popping in, but that's irrelevant because she wouldn't dream of doing it!

Introverts unite. Stand up to poppers in

If you don’t want to make conversation surely the thing to do is say ‘oh yes lovely - I’ve got some crafting to do, perhaps you could hold/entertain baby while I really make some progress with that?’

I know it’s different for everyone but I do think if you’ve got a local, not-totally-batshit MIL it’s important for her to get familiar in your house - little things like saying to her oh I’m just going to run this upstairs do you mind sorting yourself a brew? Giving ‘permission’ to use your kitchen. As the child gets older, you might find MIL is happy to watch them while you pop out and that is just lovely. And often MIL is the carer if choice for number one if you are thinking about having a second. If you are going to ask that of someone it’s important they already feel comfortable and wanted.

I think I'll need to accept her "popping around with short notice" sometimes so as not to offend her

No, you really won't have to accept this.

Tell her what's acceptable to you, and then stick to it. Don't let her steamroller you into accepting spur of the moment visits, as they will increase in frequency. And once she's learned that she can ignore your preferences regarding visits, she'll ignore other things you want too.

I'm quite happy for my mum to pop round since I don't have to think about the conversation. It's just an easy relaxed visit since I've known her all my life. Mil does have to make an appointment because I need to gear up to mentally preparing to chit chat/be polite etc

I'm the same. My mum is also really introverted so there's absolutely no pressure.

“And once she's learned that she can ignore your preferences regarding visits, she'll ignore other things you want too“
Because everyone knows that MILs are arseholes who must be kept at arm’s length.....

YANBU.

I had something similar happen with my in-laws. I wish I'd established clear boundaries based on what I felt comfortable with, rather than trying to accomodate them and make them happy all the time. It really impacted my enjoyment of my baby's early days and undermined my confidence, having people show up expecting to be handed my baby like a baton, making small talk with people who wouldn't have visited me but for the baby, and never knowing when they would leave.

They ended up feeling incredibly entitled to our time, our home, our parenting decisions. When we hired a nanny without consulting then they threw a literal tantrum that lasted for 2 months. (There is a thread on here about it.)

I highly recommended nipping these pop ins in the bud. Clear healthy boundaries make for good relationships. If you're an introvert and don't like too many visitors and chit chat then your boundaries will reflect that. Don't feel like you have to do what other people think is right. Some people on here would clearly love the prospect of a MIL popping into their house constantly, and bully for them. That doesn't mean it's right for you.

Well said @SilverBirchTree. @BertrandRussell well said to you too. You are completely correct. Some MILs are arseholes who should be kept at arms length 😜

On what planet do people think that visitors should clean and cook for them, just because they've had a baby
I think YABU, but plenty will disagree, because Mumsnet can be precious when it comes to newborns and visitors.
Congratulations though

@littlemisscynical I just read your comment... your MiL sounds a lot like mine

for you too @SilverBirchTree. I remember someone telling me about her overbearing MIL when she had her new baby. I didn't understand and thought she should be glad to have a MIL who was so interested in her GC.

Now I understand 🤦🏼‍♀️. It is something you cannot comprehend until you are going through it yourself. You can try to explain to people on here until you are blue in the face. Still they will spout crap about new mothers being precious and so we expect people to come and cook and clean for us. Ah I give up. I pity their future DILs.

On what planet do people think that visitors should clean and cook for them, just because they've had a baby

A planet where people have empathy and understand it's stressful enough with newborns and if you want to add to that stress you can at least make yourself useful.

“On what planet do people think that visitors should clean and cook for them, just because they've had a baby“
Visitors-maybe not.
Family- absolutely.

YANBU OP, your first few months with your baby are precious and you don’t want to look back with regret.

Speak to your DH and agree what you are both comfortable with. Then both give your respective parents a call and gently set some boundaries.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sensible boundaries in place in life, with family, work and friends. In fact I think that the absence of boundaries often makes life more stressful.

Plus, in my world if someone needs help (ie new baby or illness) then I do offer to go round and take some meals, unstack the dishwasher, whatever. It’s just being kind and thoughtful. Visiting and expecting to be waited on hand and foot, interrupting nap time and hanging around too long, well that’s just irritating and selfish.

Be kind to yourself OP.