To be turning down spur of the moment visits from mother in law?

[PRoseLegend]

I'm an introvert and I just became a mum 7 weeks ago.
My mother in law keeps calling and asking to "pop around" on the same day she calls.
I have declined several times, but countered with a "But you could come on this afternoon next week, or come by on Saturday?" etc, because I want her company, I just don't want it at the last minute when I've had a perfectly lovely day to myself (and DS) planned in my mind.
She has said to me she feels like I'm pushing her away and don't want her to be involved. This is not the case, she's lovely and I appreciate her, I just don't do well with last minute drop-ins and prefer to plan ahead with social engagements.
Am I being unreasonable?

You are being a bit unreasonable I think. If she's a nice mil and helpful it's definitely a relationship to maintain so I would agree with some other advice to sometimes accept same day visits and sometimes defer to the next day or two. To suggest she comes a week later seems very harsh to me.

TBH the way some people on this thread clearly treat their relatives as the dirt under their feet it's amazing the relatives want to see them at all.

If you didn't see much of her beforehand and all of a sudden she wants to be there all the time, it is a bit annoying.

It's better for both of you if you explain you have a routine for the week but x morning or afternoon is great if she wants to visit then. With pfb we had an activity practically every morning so I wouldn't have been keen on someone disrupting paid for activities especially, but afternoons would have been fine.

Quatermiss deny her child of spontaneous interaction? Come on, he's 7 weeks old, I very much doubt he cares about anyone but his parents at the mo and when his next feed is! See this is a pet hate of mine, people who are obviously not introverted refusing to try and understand what it's like. It isn't just a label to give yourself, it's part of what makes you you. Is it really impossible to understand that because you like or feel comfortable with something, thst it doesn't mean that the next person is capable of feeling the same?
I've done some research into extroverts and introverts and the main difference is how we recharge. Extroverts do so by seeking out friends, introverts do so by seeking time to themselves. What baby needs is a relaxed, happy and recharged mum, not someone who is trying to please others at the expense of herself. I could understand if the op was not allowing any visits but why does when it suits the MIL become more important than when it suits op? She's suggested other times, and doing nothing, if needed for some sanity, is just as good as an excuse as having 'other plans'. I love my MIL very much but nearly ended up with pnd partly because I was trying to please everyone. Op, I agree the best plan might be to set up a regular time each week if you can face it so she knows when

Just explain you prefer 24 hours notice or whatever - but also occasionally it's nice to be spontaneous and in the months and years to come, a helpful mil will be invaluable!

We're all different, and so are our MIL's. I'd love mine to call and then pop round. Tbh I'd love a house with an annex and then her and FIL could live with us but you're not being unreasonable to feel how you do!

I don't understand why people can't just wait until they are invited over. It's rude to either just turn up or ring to say you're coming over anyway or get the hump because you are told no.

I don't like last minure visitors unless they're my parents, simply because I have a very different relationship to them with the majority of other people in life, and my best friend who lives a way a way. So no, YANBU.

*minute

I am also a bit funny when my plans change. I just like to know how my day is going to pan out and I feel a bit strange when things change! It's OK but it is hard for other people to get, as for most people it would be a lovely surprise to have a visit. I'd probably just lie and say you already had plans (something concrete like going to meet a friend rather than just sitting in with your baby). But what I'd do is plan to invite her even if last minute. So I'd assume I'm seeing her, and have a back up plan if I didn't, and text her on the morning asking if she was free to meet up that afternoon

Does your mother get to visit? If so then you're treating your MIL as a second class grandparent which is just wrong. Remember in years to come you'll need some favours, baby-sitting for example. Were I treated so meanly I would have a very long memory, You want to go to the cinema? How about next week?

tilly that depends on the behaviour of the mother and the mother in law. If one is reasonable and one is not it's absolutely not wrong to allow visits to one and not the other.

Contesssals same here. I never had alone time with grandmas and no granny wanted me alone in fact just trying to imagine either one of them demanding to have me alone or staying over... I would have found creepy really.
They were happy and I was happy just idly playing whilst dm chatted... And having a sweet from the hand bag!!

Is it modern this demanding granny? Is it because we have less drudgery... Less children...

Was it always a thing?

Yy seline and I find it awful when a poster has a respectful dm and a nasty Mil and the poster says she won't let mum visit because it's not fair on pushy rude Mil.

How many mils treat thier dils with utter contempt then want to grasp at the baby?

@tillytrotter1
As I said previously, my mother lives interstate on the other side of the country, so no, she doesn't visit.
I'm not against MIL visiting, I'd just like more than 2 hours notice, especially if I have an afternoon to myself planned.
I have the same rules for everyone visiting, even before baby. MIL is seeing us WAY more now than she ever has before, we used to see each other fortnightly on average, now she's wanting to see us and DC weekly, if not twice weekly. If she had her way she'd be over every 2nd day, which would drive me mental having someone over at the house all the time.

OP - would MiL like a regular visit time, do you think? thursday lunch time every week, or whatever works for you?

snow exactly. I have relatives who stay over in the evening so I can shower and make me bottles up and change the babies.

I also have relatives who expect me to make them food and entertain them while my twins are shouting.

You can guess which ones I prefer.

My MIL had a very close relationship with her grandparents and frequently stayed over. Her granny taught her to knit and crochet. I never had a close relationship with my grandparents but listening to my MIL talk about her gran...well, it’s lovely. I feel so pleased for my kids they’ve got a granny who wants a strong bond with them.

It’s also informed by family loss as these things often are. If a grandparent is loving, and kind, and willing, I should think having the chance to really get to know them can only be a positive.

Thanks everyone, I've suggested a regular weekly slot and she's agreed.
She'll still probably try to "pop in" at other times but hopefully she'll be okay with seeing us at church and then her weekly afternoon visit.
And I have peace of mind knowing what to expect each week.

YANBU. My MIL used to drop around unannounced almost every day after my first was born. We got on ok but only because I bit my tongue constantly. She was so bossy and critical and she barged in on some really special moments I was having with my baby. I found the easiest solution was for me to visit her once or twice a week. That way I had more control over when the visits happened and for how long.

P.S. just saw your update, sounds like a good compromise

Well done op, weekly visit sounds like a great idea. Save some chores to do when she visits, so you can get them done while she watches the baby. I don’t think you were unreasonable at all by the way, I’m a total extrovert but couldn’t be doing with having my in laws popping round with just a few hours notice.

Maybe this is just my standoffish introvert ways talking but God, she actually said she feels like she's being pushed out? Why do people do that? It totally destroys the polite fiction that you enjoy her visits... if she now gets more visits, is she not going to be sitting there thinking "DIlL doesn't actually want me here, she's just putting up with me and we both know that" - is that not really uncomfortable? I suspect that someone who is fine with that is perhaps not the sort of visitor who brings a lot of joy into the house, you know? I mean I don't know, maybe she just got frustrated and out it came, but it was a bloody unhelpful thing to say.

It isn’t rude to say ‘sorry, I’ve already made plans’ even if those plans include staying h9me and doing nothing.

The best approach is to proactively manage it. Give her a call and ask her round (or out) for coffee at a time convenient for you. As a fellow introvert, I prefer meeting people outside my home because I can always come up with an easy excuse when I have had enough of their company eg parking ticket about to run out, another appointment, feeling tired. It is easier fir me to leave than to be someone to leave my home when they are visiting.

1-2 times a week is fine. What is all this 'help' that people talk of? No-one popped in on us for weeks at a time, we managed. Set a precedent or this will get worse as baby gets older and moe 'interesting'.

OP YANBU at all. I have had the same problem. Slightly different in that MIL lives a distance away but refuses to give notice of visits. Which were daily too in the beginning. And I wasn't overly close to her before having DS so it was so difficult having to spend lots of time on my own with someone I don't know well when I was postnatal and hormonal. So overbearing and intrusive.

She booked two weeks off work around my due date so that she could spend time with the baby 🤦🏼‍♀️ baby arrived early so she rang in to work sick. Note my own mother knew to give us some space in the early days and only called for short, arranged visits. MIL was not helpful when she visited either. Just wanted to hold the baby while we made her tea. Then bringing her neighbours and friends etc to visit too. She was practically hysterical around the baby and still does this weird thing were she shakes and squeezes him.

I spent 4 nights in hospital. On the evening we got home, her and FIL arrived at 9:30pm and despite all our curtains being closed started to knock the doors and windows and ring our phones 🙄.

DH spoke to her about the unannounced visits and she started to give notice... by ringing or texting me that she was around the corner 🤦🏼‍♀️. She understood rightly what we meant but I know she is being stubborn and does not think she should have to make an appointment to see her GS.

It improved as baby got older as we have had such a packed social life. I had something arranged every day to get out of the house. MIL kept popping in and then we weren't there so she had had a wasted trip. Or if she called in the evening at baby's bedtime (despite being asked not to also) I continued on with our routine.

I know it sounds harsh but you need to set some boundaries in place or it will only get worse. And it will affect your relationship with MIL. I had had enough and DH had to start arranging something with her at the weekend. Just because you are off on maternity leave does not mean that you are free all day every day for visitors!!