DP's SM took dd for her first hair cut.

[Foxandthehound]

I'm probably being unreasonable and ott but I don't care.

Dd was born with quite a bit of hair, by 6 weeks old it all fell out. It grew back thick, incredibly curly and a beautiful blonde colour. I was in love with her hair. We (me and DP) weren't planning on cutting her hair for a while. We were going to let it grow out. DP's SM suggested to get a 'trim', to help it grow faster. We didn't follow through on the advice because it was growing quite well already.

DP's SM had her for the day yesterday and dd returned with a beanie hat on. I asked DP's SM where the hat came from and she looked sheepish and said she bought it as a gift. Thinking nothing of it, I thanked her and started chatting about how cold it Is (assuming that's why she bought the hat) (dd does own multiple hats btw).

She left quicker than usual. I started removing DD's outwear. I finally got to pulling her hat off and I was gobsmacked. All her curly hair is GONE! It wasn't a trim, all her hair is complete gone.

I know it's a silly problem and it shouldn't bother me, but she knew I didn't want a trim let alone it all chopped off. I rang her and she answered and immediately started apologising, so she knew what I was ringing about. She said the hairdresser took too much off. I told her i didn't agree to getting her hair cut. so she was way out of order for taking her for even just a trim. I then asked did she at least save a curl for me to have? I've told her before that when she has her first haircut, I wanted to keep a lock of hair. She said she only got one lock, but that was for her to keep, not me. That added fuel to the fire and I told her she's completely out of order and she best avoid me for a while.

Thinking about it I'm probably completely overreacting, I'm just so mad!

She had no right taking her for a haircut. Keeping a lock of her hair for herself is just weird. Your child is not related to her in any way, so why she would want her curl ?

She is not her granny, she is just her granddads girlfriend.

From your posts this isn’t the first time she’s done/said something rediculous. I would be keeping my distance and Dd would not be left in her care again, and I would be telling her why.

What has your DP said about this? I'd be absolutely livid. The woman knew you were against this yet ignored your wishes & did what she wanted anyway, it's like she has authority over your child! And she's claiming her right to keep YOUR child's lock of hair? I'd be telling her that DP WILL be collecting the lock of hair & it WILL be some time before she see's YOUR daughter again.

I bet she hasn't even got the curl which is why she said she is keeping it....

She is trying to send you a message- that your dd is hers, not yours, that she has the final say on how your dd has her hair, that she is more important than you and that she deserves your dd’s Curl more than you do!

I agree 100% with this - you are completely under-reacting; how can you consider that you or your child have a relationship with this woman after that? Your DP and his father need to confront her, get the lock of hair and then after that the grandad sees your DD on his own at your house. End of. You are showing her that you can be pushed further and all you do is go round there and get a bit cross.

My DD is 16 months and has beautiful curly hair too, I’m not getting it cut. My MIL has asked 3 times now if I’m going to get it cut and I’ve told her no, I love it and I want to let it grow. I’d be furious if she went ahead and did it anyway. In your case this is a step-grandparent I’d be sending DP round to get that little lock of hair back and would be telling him to inform that bitch of a woman she’ll never be seeing any of you again. I’m furious for you

I'd have gone full on ape shit.
Keeping the curl adds insult to injury.

This wasn't about your DD's relationship with her grandfather if he was out at work. A relationship for her with SM sounds fraught. SM has been dickish at least twice that you've told us about. No more contact unless you're there, and if granddad is upset by it your DP has to tell him why.

I wouldn’t be letting her have my child alone again if this happened. Awful behaviour.

That’s a red card and a permanent benching offennse. She may aswell have passed in a circle around your DD. Utterly unforgivable.

I’d be livid if I were you.
SM has massively overstepped her boundaries and can’t even bring herself to be conciliatory by giving you a lock of your own daughter’s hair.
No more unsupervised contact, and if that impacts on your DPs father then he can take it up with her, can’t he.

I'd be gutted! Everyone knows that's for the baby's Mother to do! I'd never ever trust her again or let her have unsupervised access to your DD either. I think it was a deliberate act as she's kept the curl and she's trying to mark the territory.
I feel for you!

I would be furious.

The deceit would make me as angry as the haircut, and make me wonder what else she’d cover up .

The grandparents would not have care of my child again, and it’d be a very long time before we saw them at all .

No @makingmammories I feel that expressly going against the mother’s wishes and sneakily getting all her daughters hair cut off, taking that away from her, trying to hide the evidence and then refusing to hand over the lock of hair does give SM a bad name, I stand by what I said. SM is so far out of order. OP is clearly distressed and her trust had been broken. Pretty big deal to me.

What’s not a big deal to you is to others.

I agree with pp you are not over reacting
You have every right to be furious. I would tell her that if she doesn't hand over the lock of hair she won't see your dd again
If she does hand it over then supervised contact only
You can't trust her to respect you as parents

I would be furious, and there would be no more unsupervised visits with her.

Your DP needs to talk to his father and his stepMIL about the complete and utter lack of respect of boundaries. This is outrageous behaviour, and at the very least, a grovelling apology is in order and the lock of hair goes to you.

Appalling behaviour. I wouldn't let her see my child for a very long time after that.

That's shocking! So sorry for you OP, it's awful. I would say no unsupervised contact and then infrequently. She hasn't just overstepped a marked she taken a running jump and leapt across a chasm. Stupid mare.

I would have completely lost my shit with her, I mean kung fu style!! Do not go round on your own. Take DP with you and make sure his dad is there too. Tell her you want the lock of hair and once you have it, tell her she will not be allowed to have your DD one on one anymore. Crazy woman.

I'd be absolutely livid too. She's knowingly robbed you of one of the nicest firsts in a child's life, their first haircut. To then refuse to give you the lock of hair, WTF is she thinking?! Hell would have to freeze over before I'd leave her alone with my child again, she's shown she can't be trusted.

Im fucking livid for you!

I would be incandescent with rage. Ds didn't have a haircut till he was 2, he had long, blonde curls. If this was me, the SM would not be safe in my company. Send dp round for the lock of hair and then cut her off.

I have to question why you left your child with this woman in the first place. She's clearly unhinged if she said breastfeeding is killing your baby. You knew that your partners dad would be at work presumably so there was no need for your baby to be there. You've learned a hard lesson it seems. Sorry about your baby's hair.

What an arsehole. I expect I would probably cut SMIL's hair off and send it back a lock at a time.

Take a large pair of scissors with you when you go for that conversation...

A couple of months ago, someone posted the three do's and got absolutely slated for it. Whilst a healthy relationship shouldn't need them, I defy those who slated that poster to disagree that the three dos are appropriate for OP in this case and as I said earlier, they'd be appropriate for the GF if he's not completely on side.

My ex mil did this with DD1. Didn't make the same error with DD2. She also wanted to pierce their ears. I've learnt to be a bit less of a doormat with time.