DD’s birthday party and exDH

[Riverside85]

Background: exDH and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. We have DD age 4. Since we’ve split up, we’ve both had new partners. I’ve been seeing DP for around a year. ExDH was seeing a woman for around 6 months then split up with her and has now been seeing another woman for around 3 months. The new woman he’s seeing has two DDs age 4 and 6. He has our DD each Wednesday, Friday and every other Saturday, though we are flexible and generally have good communication if either of us have different plans. DD has met the other DDs quite a lot, because they’re similar age they all seem to get on well, they go out to park, cafes etc and I’ve dropped DD over at their house rather than exDH’s house a couple of times when he’s been there. Things are amicable and I’m happy to all get along.

DD will be turning 5 in April and she’s having a whole class party (Reception class) at a church hall with an entertainer. When going over dates, I made sure exDH knew when the party was (for him to come and to tell his Mum, DD’s Nana), and the first thing he asked was “Can I invite Sally and Molly?” (his new DP’s girls- not real names!). I said “Erm well I’ll have a think about it but to be honest I’d probably prefer not. It’s a family occasion with grandparents etc being there as well as DD’s full class, none of whom Sally and Molly will know”. He’s only been seeing their Mum a few months (since November), I haven’t met her yet. I suggested that he have a birthday tea party the following day with the two girls, have balloons, party hats, cake etc and make DD feel special.

That was all a couple of weeks ago. This morning he texted me about an idea he has for a present for DD’s birthday, we texted back and forth about it a couple of messages then I said “Are you happy to pay half of DD’s birthday party- half of hall hire, entertainer and food?” (Last year, our first year separated for DD’s birthday, she had a soft play party and we paid half each). His reply was, “Can I invite Sally and Molly then if I’m paying half?”

I just don’t know what to say?! On the one hand I want to say “Nevermind, I’ve got it” and pay it all myself. Of course he and his mum etc still welcome. I just don’t see why his new DP of 3 months and her DD’s need to be there?! They won’t know anyone. But then I feel like he’ll be making out to the new DP that I’m unreasonable “oh, Riverside won’t let your girls come to the party” and get us off on a bad foot, when I do want to have a good ongoing relationship with her if they’re to stay together in the long term. Other side of me wonders if I should call his bluff and say ok if it means that much to you, invite them. Then be all breezy and welcoming at the party. I don’t know what to do!

Also, it’s petty but I fail to make it through my OP without mentioning his passive aggressive dig at my new DP, when I said “Well, DP won’t be at the party either” (he doesn’t have kids), and exDH’s reply was “Oh really, I thought he’d like some jelly and ice cream and enjoy the magic show” (because new DP is 10 years younger than him, 6 years younger than me 🙄)

I would just invite them.

If his going to lay then for a children’s party I think he should have some say. Your dd seems to enjoy the children’s company. If you say no you just come across and not liking the new women in his/her eyes. Be the bigger person.

Honestly they are dc, it’s a party fit dc so I’d let them come. I don’t really see a problem

Just invite them, I don’t see why you wouldn’t if your DD gets on with them. My kids have been to parties where they only know one person and it’s been fine.

I don't think dating 3 months is anywhere near long enough to have even met each other's children, never mind mind mixing families at birthday parties.

If he’s paying half then I think he should be able to invite them; they aren’t strangers to your DD and it doesn’t matter to kids that they don’t know anyone as kids will all play together anyway.
It comes across that’s it more about you not wanting them there. I agree it’s a new relationship but they’re all involved in your DDs life already so that ship has sailed

If your DD already knows them then what's the problem? It's not a family only party anyway and presumably they'd like to be invited.

Invite them

Hopefully the new girlfriend will balk at the idea of meeting you and your family, plus school parents all in one go and claim alternative plans.

Their relationship is moving ridiculously fast.

I would just invite them anyway.

If he is paying half, it is absolutely reasonable for him to invite the 2 girls. Your dd likes them, they are the same age, all seems fine.

I think seeing as you communicate ok generally, falling out over this would be a mistake.

Your dd knows it’s her bday. These girls won’t detract from that. They know each other even if nobody else. Plus kids of that age won’t care who knows who.

I think the horse has bolted in terms of her meeting the DD of new partner, and new partner, and in any case OP has no rights to tell him what to do, or that he is rushing things... So I'd invite them. Just let him crack on. DD seems to like them. If it works out, you'll be off to the good start you wanted... If it doesn't work out between them, you can try to say to him next time about how it worked out last time... Although, as I said, he doesn't (legally) have to listen.

punishmepunisher Fri 01-Feb-19 17:52:17 I don't think dating 3 months is anywhere near long enough to have even met each other's children, never mind mind mixing families at birthday parties

^This. They really don’t need to be at the party. I suspect he wants them to go so he can bring his girlfriend. It may be petty but I’d say no on the basis of it being too soon. Your suggestion of a tea party was a really good one.

Just invite them I probably would have at the start your Dd likes them they are little girls nobody is going to make a drama. However after your dds party I would get him told that that was the last time you will be held to ransom and he was a dick to use 3 little girls to get his ownway

OP, it’s been way too much way too soon even without a party invite being thrown into the mix

I’d say invite them. At DD’s 3rd birthday party there were a couple of kids that only knew her, and then only vaguely. They were fine.

I’d feel bad about leaving small children out.

Gruzinkerbell1 I didn’t wonder whether the new DP actually knows about it and whether she’d even want to come 😂

Oops I mean I did wonder, not I didn’t wonder!!

The mum might say no she might not want any awkwardness

Hell. No. Way. Would not be happening. I'd be well pissed off if my DD had been introduced to her & her kids after only 3 months!!! The day is about your DD not your ex & his new partner...which no doubt it will become if he invites them. If your DP isn't going, it is very fair to say no to his & by extension her girls

Just invite them. My daughter went to loads of parties where she only knew the birthday child, and had fun. You said the girls are all friends, so there would be no problem there, and it will just makes you look petty to not invite them

Can his DP's DD's just be invited along as friends?,Ask your ex if he's prepared to have them there on the condition that his DP stays home?

Explain that people probably won't question who the 2 little girls are but you feel having his DP there will feel awkward and overshadow your DD's birthday party and perhaps next year you could review the situation?

Does your DD want them there? If she says yes I'd just go with it tbh. He's already introduced them and their mum (which I'm not convinced was a great idea but it's done already). Make sure that it's on him to check they're ok and mixing in ok if they do go though.

I’d just invite them. Children that age really don’t care, and they’ll have each other so won’t feel left out.

They’ve already met and you’ve been happy to drop your daughter off at his partner’s house, I’m not sure he’ll take you seriously if you start saying it’s too soon.

Thanks for all the replies. I do agree that their relationship is going fast with all the meeting the kids etc. I don’t think my DD sees it any differently to meeting up with friends who have kids. ExDP was a bit shocked when I said DD hadn’t seen my DP for a couple of weeks, he said “why what’s happened?” I said nothing it’s all good but I see him when DD is with you or he sometimes comes over once she’s in bed, I want my time with her to be about the two of us. We do a day out/tea together with DP maybe once a fortnight or so, he is good with her but there’s no rush. ExDH then told me he’s read the other two girls bedtimes stories and helped put them to bed!

I do want to keep things amicable and all get along, and certainly don’t want to come across as petty. Another girl in DD’s class also has separated parents and they don’t speak at all and have taken turns in throwing her party- last year in nursery invites came from Mum, Dad was not present and this year invites have come with an RSVP to Dad’s name and number and Mum has told me she won’t be there. I would hate things to be like that.

I feel like if their relationship is to stay the course, there will be plenty of future parties for them all to be included in.

One of the reasons for our break up was his controlling behaviour and I feel like this is a control thing.

However, I totally agree that it should be about the kids so maybe I will invite them. Also to keep things smooth and a good welcoming first impression to the new DP.

Now, any tips on a) how to stop my Mum twisting her face at the party and b) how to ensure I look suitably glamorous and breezy while serving cocktail sausages 😂

Based on the fact your DD has met them already, I'd say invite them. Not worth having an argument about.

TBH though, I agree with others that it's crazily early for your DD to have been introduced to your ex's new partner - but that's done now.