DD’s birthday party and exDH

[Riverside85]

Background: exDH and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. We have DD age 4. Since we’ve split up, we’ve both had new partners. I’ve been seeing DP for around a year. ExDH was seeing a woman for around 6 months then split up with her and has now been seeing another woman for around 3 months. The new woman he’s seeing has two DDs age 4 and 6. He has our DD each Wednesday, Friday and every other Saturday, though we are flexible and generally have good communication if either of us have different plans. DD has met the other DDs quite a lot, because they’re similar age they all seem to get on well, they go out to park, cafes etc and I’ve dropped DD over at their house rather than exDH’s house a couple of times when he’s been there. Things are amicable and I’m happy to all get along.

DD will be turning 5 in April and she’s having a whole class party (Reception class) at a church hall with an entertainer. When going over dates, I made sure exDH knew when the party was (for him to come and to tell his Mum, DD’s Nana), and the first thing he asked was “Can I invite Sally and Molly?” (his new DP’s girls- not real names!). I said “Erm well I’ll have a think about it but to be honest I’d probably prefer not. It’s a family occasion with grandparents etc being there as well as DD’s full class, none of whom Sally and Molly will know”. He’s only been seeing their Mum a few months (since November), I haven’t met her yet. I suggested that he have a birthday tea party the following day with the two girls, have balloons, party hats, cake etc and make DD feel special.

That was all a couple of weeks ago. This morning he texted me about an idea he has for a present for DD’s birthday, we texted back and forth about it a couple of messages then I said “Are you happy to pay half of DD’s birthday party- half of hall hire, entertainer and food?” (Last year, our first year separated for DD’s birthday, she had a soft play party and we paid half each). His reply was, “Can I invite Sally and Molly then if I’m paying half?”

I just don’t know what to say?! On the one hand I want to say “Nevermind, I’ve got it” and pay it all myself. Of course he and his mum etc still welcome. I just don’t see why his new DP of 3 months and her DD’s need to be there?! They won’t know anyone. But then I feel like he’ll be making out to the new DP that I’m unreasonable “oh, Riverside won’t let your girls come to the party” and get us off on a bad foot, when I do want to have a good ongoing relationship with her if they’re to stay together in the long term. Other side of me wonders if I should call his bluff and say ok if it means that much to you, invite them. Then be all breezy and welcoming at the party. I don’t know what to do!

Also, it’s petty but I fail to make it through my OP without mentioning his passive aggressive dig at my new DP, when I said “Well, DP won’t be at the party either” (he doesn’t have kids), and exDH’s reply was “Oh really, I thought he’d like some jelly and ice cream and enjoy the magic show” (because new DP is 10 years younger than him, 6 years younger than me 🙄)

I think I wil invite them though, and then he can pay his half.

If your DD has already met them and they get on well I don't really see the problem with them being at the party.

I wouldn't like all the children and DPs to be introduced so early after only dating for a while but since that has already happened the party doesn't make much difference! Does be want his DP there too or just the girls?

I know Frazzled2207 why say “do they have a problem with me?” when clearly that’s just the routine, just trying to dredge up drama that isn’t there.

Why is it fine that he doesn’t pay child support? I can’t wrap my head around you letting him get away with that.

Have you asked your daughter if she wants Sally and Molly to come to her party?

@AustralianMumof2

Yeah I was thinking that. Why is it ok that he doesn't pay maintenance? If that's the case surely he should be paying for all of the party not half of it.

You are being petty/awkward. Just let them come.

And if he’s paying half I think he has a right too.

Why doesn’t he want to pay maintenance? He can afford a leaving do with friends which presumably involves buying food or drink so why does he not want to pay for the daily expenses of his daughter?

AustralianMumof2 I don’t really have an answer for that. I don’t think it’s fine. But as I say, when we separated and moved out etc things were obviously difficult, lots of arrangements to make. I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible for everyone’s sake so just sort of let it go. Now it’s down the line, it’s never been brought up again. I value having a smooth relationship and I tell everyone “oh yes we’re on really good terms, it’s all working well” but I’m actually now realising that maybe i’m still bending to his controlling ways because I know it will give me a quieter life. I do value us having a smooth relationship for DD’s sake, and if I brought up the issue of maintenance and it all blew up in my face, would it have been worth it?

I also feel like he pushes to see “what he can get away with” i.e. inviting the girls to the party, swapping his contact days, trying to get a reaction out of me so he can play the wounded party and say “Riverside won’t let Sally and Molly come to the party, how mean! Riverside won’t let me see DD!” and make me out as the bad guy.

I'd say yes. By then if still together it will have been 6-7months, and the girls all get on well. He's paying half, I'm assuming other memebers of his family are going, I don't see an issue with the girls being a part of it. Would their mother not also attend? Whilst I personally wouldn't care, is that the part bothering you more?

SD1978 and others, yes the mother would have to attend. I believe someone upthread mentioned her dropping them off. It is a 5 year old’s (Reception class) party, all the parents will be staying! I hope!!

@Riverside85- TBH I do all the changing for the same reason- it's juts easier and I'd rather a civil relationship. I'm sure I'll have to say no eventually, but right now, having an amicable relationship matters more than any of the issues that have come up!

@Riverside85- you'd be suprised.........some parents don't even stop the engine, juts slow down enough it's a gentle roll out the car 😂😂😂

SD1978 😱😱😂

His excuse for not paying child support is ridiculous. Surely he doesn't think that's acceptable till DD is 18?

I think you should raise the issue and say with effect from X date .... even if it's from next year, that you need him to pay CS. That should give him enough time to get prepared.

Check the CS calculator and see what he should be paying.

Unless you earn a lot more than him... but still as a matter of principle, he should be paying. You can put that money in a savings account for her.

What happens when school trips will come up...or if she goes to Uni..
Is he going to say he can't contribute.

I'd just invite them , I'd be surprised the new gf wants to go but will for the girls . It's your daughters birthday party kids don't care that they don't know everyone.
Seriously just say yes it'll be fine . I think it's lovely when everyone gets on that's all your daughter will want .

SandyY2k We earn around the same although I work part time and he works full time. I went part time after maternity leave for childcare reasons. I am able to collect my DD from school every day except Thursday (as mentioned, which my parents do).

I do have a savings account for my DD, I put a standing order in each month and I have given him the acc details do so the same, he said he would but hasn’t so far so I suppose that could be the first thing to chase. With a view to bringing up maintenance later.

I’ve just looked at the gov CS calculator with rough estimates of income and it looks like £43 a week. I just can’t decide whether it’s worth saying anything and causing bad feeling.

I know the maintenance wasn’t what you came on here for but it says a lot about him. He does not care if not supporting his child causes bad feeling or leaves his child without things (be that holidays or extras). I would have no issue with him bringing the girls to the party, I do however think others in attendance (family) May think it’s inappropriate and that combined with the lack of maintenance and girlfriend of 3 months in attendance shows that he is centre of his world.

Would he be okay with others knowing he doesn’t pay maintenance or provide a bedroom for his child? I bet his family think he pays.

He needs to be paying maintenance. He clearly is a shit father if he couldn't be arsed contributing to the upbringing of his DD but is happy to go out on a Saturday night and wine and dine his new girlfriend.

£2,236 per year into a savings account would really add up. It could be used for all kinds of lessons, hobbies, days out, holidays, school trips, birthday parties, and the like. If you really don’t need it just save it and you will have £30K+interest to put toward uni or helping your DD get a start in life. The thing is, it’s not actually going that smoothly. You are bending and bending and he will keep pushing and pushing. It’s so lovely to have a nice ex-ex relationship but that only works when both parties are rational and considerate and willing to put the child’s interests first. Unfortunately your ex doesn’t fit that description. Playing happy families with someone else’s children after 3 months? Refusing to have his DD bc his girlfriend doesn’t have her kids? You realize that means he has no interest in spending one on one time with your DD.

If you ask for maintenance and it blows up you will have to leave it to the solicitors. The good news is once you work out an ironclad legal agreement you won’t have to deal with all of the texts and chopping and changing. You still have your child more than 75% of the time so you can give her a lovely stable home and model reasonable behavior from your side. You can’t change your ex’s behavior. As she gets older she will eventually see how things really are.

Oh now I've read your latest posts, let the party go but stop letting him off with maintenance and all the changing days. Say you don't want to confuse and disrupt DD and stability is important for her. He should stick to his days unless it's something major. A leaving do is not that for me. And he should pay maintenance - again, this is for DD's future, that's what you tell him. You have to afford paying for her, so should he. Tell him he's got three months to work out his finances and then you will claim.

Not wanting to drop feed (as the birthday party was the original thing I posted about) but more info about the swapping days: today (Saturday) was one of the Saturdays he was meant to have her (every Wednesday and Friday and every other Saturday), but asked if he could swap due to the work night out I’ve already mentioned. I said that’s great as DD is invited to a classmate’s birthday party 2.30 to 4.00pm so you can take her to the party then drop her off with me before your night out. Oh no, he says, the work’s leaving do thing is meeting at 4pm, it’s an afternoon into evening thing. Also, he couldn’t swap for next Saturday as it’s the new DP’s birthday so has plans!!

I honestly thought we had such a good ex relationship going on and things were going so well but the more I post and think about it the more I realise it’s a good thing for him and probably the only reason I think it’s so good is that it’s good in comparison to actually having to live with the dick head!

My new DP in comparison... I was taking DD to Paw Patrol Live (shudder) and was having a light hearted moan to him about how expensive the merchandise would be- we looked online and saw the flashing lights were £15. Come to the day of the show (just me and DD going) and DP texted me “I’ve put £15 in your account, get DD a flashing light for the show”. Now, I could’ve afforded it myself, and he wasn’t even coming, he just knew she’d like it and it was a kind thing to do.

That was kind of your DP to do that with the flashing light, he sounds like a keeper. You are a lovely Mum and you provide everything for your daughter. Seems like you have your head screwed on buying a house you could afford while he rents. I think let them come to the party, there will be so many people there, it might be a good way to do the meet and greet that’s less awkward.
File a child support claim on Monday!! Supporting your children isn’t optional and it’s high time this controlling dickhead got the kick up the arse he deserves! Surely he will complain to the new gf about how ‘unfair’ it is (lol), and that will tell you a lot about her as well if she stays with a man who avoids paying child support. I certainly wldnt think that was the type of man I could have any kind of future with.
Hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday :)

You seem to have really mixed-up priorities.

He doesn't pay maintenance and that's fine because "you don't want to rock the boat".

He wants to invite his partner's kids (who your DD already spends time with) to her birthday party, and that's what you want to object to?!

Bizarre.

Incidentally, whilst I generally agree with the majority that taking time introducing kids to new partners is sensible - how do people realistically make that work when they're single parents?