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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD’s birthday party and exDH

117 replies

Riverside85 · 01/02/2019 17:44

Background: exDH and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. We have DD age 4. Since we’ve split up, we’ve both had new partners. I’ve been seeing DP for around a year. ExDH was seeing a woman for around 6 months then split up with her and has now been seeing another woman for around 3 months. The new woman he’s seeing has two DDs age 4 and 6. He has our DD each Wednesday, Friday and every other Saturday, though we are flexible and generally have good communication if either of us have different plans. DD has met the other DDs quite a lot, because they’re similar age they all seem to get on well, they go out to park, cafes etc and I’ve dropped DD over at their house rather than exDH’s house a couple of times when he’s been there. Things are amicable and I’m happy to all get along.

DD will be turning 5 in April and she’s having a whole class party (Reception class) at a church hall with an entertainer. When going over dates, I made sure exDH knew when the party was (for him to come and to tell his Mum, DD’s Nana), and the first thing he asked was “Can I invite Sally and Molly?” (his new DP’s girls- not real names!). I said “Erm well I’ll have a think about it but to be honest I’d probably prefer not. It’s a family occasion with grandparents etc being there as well as DD’s full class, none of whom Sally and Molly will know”. He’s only been seeing their Mum a few months (since November), I haven’t met her yet. I suggested that he have a birthday tea party the following day with the two girls, have balloons, party hats, cake etc and make DD feel special.

That was all a couple of weeks ago. This morning he texted me about an idea he has for a present for DD’s birthday, we texted back and forth about it a couple of messages then I said “Are you happy to pay half of DD’s birthday party- half of hall hire, entertainer and food?” (Last year, our first year separated for DD’s birthday, she had a soft play party and we paid half each). His reply was, “Can I invite Sally and Molly then if I’m paying half?”

I just don’t know what to say?! On the one hand I want to say “Nevermind, I’ve got it” and pay it all myself. Of course he and his mum etc still welcome. I just don’t see why his new DP of 3 months and her DD’s need to be there?! They won’t know anyone. But then I feel like he’ll be making out to the new DP that I’m unreasonable “oh, Riverside won’t let your girls come to the party” and get us off on a bad foot, when I do want to have a good ongoing relationship with her if they’re to stay together in the long term. Other side of me wonders if I should call his bluff and say ok if it means that much to you, invite them. Then be all breezy and welcoming at the party. I don’t know what to do!

Also, it’s petty but I fail to make it through my OP without mentioning his passive aggressive dig at my new DP, when I said “Well, DP won’t be at the party either” (he doesn’t have kids), and exDH’s reply was “Oh really, I thought he’d like some jelly and ice cream and enjoy the magic show” (because new DP is 10 years younger than him, 6 years younger than me 🙄)

OP posts:

MapMyMum · 01/02/2019 18:28

I think as you have dropped dd to their house directly to play with them and he is paying half you cant say much. It does seem too soon to have met the new woman and esp her dc but that cant be changed now, and you will look petty if you dont let them. As for comments about your dp id say firmly that if he wants to make childish comments then he will be the one served jelly and ice cream. If youre being welcoming to his dp then he needs to extend you the same courtesy

blackteasplease · 01/02/2019 18:30

I'd probably let them come tbh although I can totally see your point of view.

blackteasplease · 01/02/2019 18:31

Also everything servalan said.

Been there, done that, dealt with the fall out when they split up.

kitkatsky · 01/02/2019 18:32

Invite them. Don't ruin what sounds like a good rship with your ex over two little girls who have done nothing wrong. It's the grown up thing to do. Plus fwiw when DD has been to parties with her dad and known Nobody she still has a good time and if they don't, it won't ruin DDs party for her one bit

SoyDora · 01/02/2019 18:36

Would your daughter like to have them there? That’s what matters, surely?

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2019 18:37

Agree that since the girls have already been spending quite a bit of time together, you might as well get the credit for being the bigger person this time. A party is a very time limited thing and I've had a couple kids that a DC knows from another place alongside the rest being classmates - was fine. Save your no for something more weighty, then you can say, 'Look,I agreed to the party but this month long trip (or whatever) you want to take them all on Is too much for now'.

luckylavender · 01/02/2019 18:39

I think it's up to your DD. She's old enough to decide who she wants at her party.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 01/02/2019 18:44

I can’t believe their mother has let your ex become so involved with her children after such a short period of time.

I agree with you but considering that they already know each other I would probably invite them. I would say something like, I would have preferred then not to be there as DD hasn’t known them long enough to consider them friends. However, if it’s that important to you then bring them.

LadyDracena · 01/02/2019 18:45

I'd not invite them and I'd not ask for anything off your exDH either. They are moving way too fast and while it's true there is nothing you can do about that, I'd keep them at arms length. Maybe invite them next year if they are still around and your ex hasn't moved onto another relationship.

kalefire · 01/02/2019 18:59

I wouldn't have the cheek to ask exDH to pay for half the party then tell him he can't bring his DPs kids and he needs to do a different tea party for them (presumably at another cost...!)

Just invite them, they're kids. It's so much better if they get on and your DD seems to like them!

Icandothis2019 · 01/02/2019 19:01

I don't think that just because he is paying half it should give him an automatic right to invite Sally and Molly, it's his DD too, he would still be contributing whether he has a DP or not!!
Saying that have you asked your DD if she wants them to come? I can see your valid point if it's all school friends that they won't know anyone else but i suppose they can play with each other.if your DD is happy for them to come I'd agree.

C0untDucku1a · 01/02/2019 19:05

I Honestly think you are communicating far too much with a controlling ex.

Original poster

Riverside85 · 01/02/2019 19:30

Funny you should say that C0untDucku1a but in the past hour or so since he collected DD he’s texted three times “DD wants to know if her bracelet is there?” “DD seems to be wearing lipstick?” “Are you collecting DD tomorrow or am i dropping her off?”

Btw- she isn’t wearing lipstick as far as I know 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Gina2012 · 01/02/2019 19:31

I don't think dating 3 months is anywhere near long enough to have even met each other's children, never mind mind mixing families at birthday parties

This

But

They have all met and played together and you've dropped DD at the little girls house.

So it seems a bit bizarre to be all weird about the party

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/02/2019 19:34

Personally I don’t see the issue, it’s anchildrens birthday party they won’t care if they know people or not, the vast majority of the kids at that age just play along to each other.

C0untDucku1a · 01/02/2019 19:53

What would he do if you just stopped replying? Or dont reply for an hour or so?

JustTwoMoreSecs · 01/02/2019 20:41

Just invite them.

Original poster

Riverside85 · 02/02/2019 07:16

Thanks for all the replies. I think I will invite them. I’ll be interested to see whether they come!

C0untDucku1a I actually don’t know, I feel like I can’t not reply when it’s something to do with DD. But maybe I’ll try to leave it a little longer.

In the past couple of days I’ve also had “Do your folks have a problem with me?” Because he wanted to swap this day he had DD as he has someone from work’s leaving do (Saturday), so I suggested Mon or Tues. he suggested Thurs but I said no because my parents have her on Thurs (collect her from school and bring her back to my house, give her tea etc til I get home from work around 6pm). They enjoy seeing her once a week and is her routine, plus if they weren’t having her there’d be no one to collect her from school. So the response I got was the above. I replied no they don’t have a problem with you, are Mon or Tues not convenient? And his reply was that his DP doesn’t have her DDs on Mon and Tues, and so they would want to make plans.

OP posts:

Godowneasy · 02/02/2019 07:45

I couldn't be dealing with all the swopping of contact days just because of something like a works leaving do on a Saturday evening! Therein lies the road to madness (imo) and constant reorganising of everything- especially if he has form for being controlling.
Why can't he just get a babysitter on the Saturday night? or just not go out seeing as he already has a committment to his daughter?

emilybrontescorsett · 02/02/2019 07:55

I see a man who thinks everyone should fit in with his new life and girlfriend.
Luckily your dd gets along with his girlfriends dcs, for now. Problems will follow if and when they have a fall out as he will be yet another man who puts his girlfriends family above his own.
Op I'm sorry you have been put in this position. He should not be asking for her and her dcs to attend but I don't know what you can say as he is paying half towards the party.

LL83 · 02/02/2019 08:06

If you are happy for dd to socialise with Sally and Molly and they get on then it makes sense to invite them?
Mine had whole class parties on p1 and cousins or family friend didn't know they others they all just play. Entertainer will have group games most likely.

If their relationship ends your dd is already going to miss Sally and Molly (or not) party makes no difference.

Being amicable is brilliant for dd. Well done.

LL83 · 02/02/2019 08:07

Cross post. Good decision OP

Frazzled2207 · 02/02/2019 08:11

I also think 3 months is far too short a time to be introduced to their dad's new partner and her children. It looks like he wants to play happy families already?! 3 months is nothing.

You have the right idea in broadly keeping your new dp out of the way when the kids are with you.

But if the girls already know each other and your dd is happy for them to come then I would let them come- sounds like less hassle- even though I do see where you're coming from.

Original poster

Riverside85 · 02/02/2019 08:13

emilybrontescorsett and others- we’ll be doesn’t have to pay half of the party, I just asked him if he was happy to- it’s what we did last year and he is her Dad after all. I could pay for the party myself though.

He doesn’t pay any maintenance. When we separated and sold our house he moved to a rented one bedroom flat in an expensive area (he could’ve got a two bed in a cheaper area but liked this area- he has DD’s old toddler bed at the foot of his double). I bought a house in a slightly less nice area but still fine and 3 min drive from DD’s school. His rent is more expensive than my mortgage, he said that while he’s paying that expensive rent he couldn’t afford maintenance. He does have his lump sum of equity he got from the sale of our house- I put mine down as deposit on my new house. I just agreed to not have bad feeling and a drama. I pay day to day costs such as DD recently needed glasses- £20, school disco £2, taking her to classmate’s birthday party £5 present and so on. He obviously gives her tea on the days she’s with her and tends to take her swimming/soft play or something so pays for that.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 02/02/2019 08:14

Ps agree that you need to try and swap days etc less readily. As she gets older dd will want to know the routine better. And a ridiculous comment regarding the Thursday. My parents pick my kids up on a Thursday and it's pretty much non negotiable in their diary.

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