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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-worker "keeping tabs" on me...

76 replies

StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 12:55

Apologies for the long post (don't want to drip feed) and I've NC for this.

I feel like one of my co-workers (we'll call her Ann) is keeping tabs on me and is complaining/reporting about me to her manager (Jane). We haven't got the same manager and are technically in different departments, though work near each other and occasionally cross over responsibilities.

Today I had permission from my manager (John) to work from home because of icy conditions worsening throughout the day. I came in for the morning and when I told Ann I had planned on leaving at my lunch hour during daylight hours, Ann (who has some limited HR responsibilities) asked if I would be using holiday. I replied that I would be doing research from home (same as I would from work), but I wouldn't need to drive in the dark. She pulled a face and said that I should email that to John and copy in Jane as well.

Jane has called me in before to chat because she had received some "comments" about me, regarding how I am sometimes too blunt. No examples or situations were given, but I was told that I should consider looking to Ann to model her way of speaking. I do have a straight-forward way of talking and don't believe in dancing around topics, as I have noticed that Ann does. I am not from the UK and phrases like "Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?". I also don't faff around "having a look around the office" (as Ann does) when I answer the phone if I know someone is unavailable; I just say "So-and-so isn't available at the moment, can I take a message?".

I have taken the feedback from Jane and applied it, as she is a manager in my company, but don't think it is beneficial to me or anyone else. John only ever talks to me about my job performance in a positive manner. He has told me that Jane has reported "comments" to him, but he hasn't had an issue with my demeanor.

I haven't ever made a complaint about anybody in the office. I generally like everyone in the office (including Ann), but I growing concerned that she (and potentially Jane) don't like me and want me out. I find it worrying that people are keeping tabs on me when I do work really hard. AIBU to be wary of this situation?

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 01/02/2019 13:01

Why are you telling Ann stuff?
Why is Jane so involved when she's not even your manager? Have you spoken to yours about this and how to stop it?

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 13:04

Our office is relatively small and Ann works in reception. I haven't spoken to my manager and have no idea why Jane is so involved.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 13:04

Ask Jane to talk to John
Don't tell Ann anything

Speak to John anout Anne and Jane

Helplessfeeling · 01/02/2019 13:06

Agree. Is it Jane's place to say this to you? I would talk to John about it and ask him to support you if he has no problems with your work.

Lemoneeza · 01/02/2019 13:08

I used to work with an ann. use the grey rock technique with her.

I would just smile and nod to anything Jane says.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 13:08

These thing s -

"Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?".

  • are about tone .... the first is a nicely put request, the second is quite an abrupt demand.

There are managers and mangers - is Jane of an equal level to John? I wodl simple say - with thei obligatory smile and head tilt - "thank you for your feed back Jane, I shall discuss it with John/I have already discussed it with John".

The whole working from hone thing , all you needed to say to Ann was "John and I have agreed I shall be working from home this afternoon" - she needs no further input.

balletonfriday · 01/02/2019 13:12

Why is Jane poking her nose in like that? I wouldn't dream of getting involved in what another manager's staff member is doing. She and Ann sound totally out of line. I would speak to John and tell him you are finding it uncomfortable and ask him to talk to Jane and ask her to stop interfering like this.

Boulardii · 01/02/2019 13:12

Cor, if I was working in this scenario I would find it really hard to not be prickly with Ann! Good luck maintaining patience with this dickhead.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/02/2019 13:13

As others have said, cease all non essential chat with Anne.

Do not agree to any more meetings or chats with Jane, instead tell her she should refer her comments to John.

Tell John you are unhappy being watched and additionally managed by Anne and Jane. Ask him to intervene and get it stopped.

Get as much in an email as possible. Start collecting evidence of your being inapporpriately managed!

Actually, you said you are not from the UK... could they be being racist? Could they be discriminating against you based on their perceptions of your home land?

They are being, at best, patronising busy bodies and they do need to stop!

strawberryredhead · 01/02/2019 13:15

I don’t agree that the second way is particularly abrupt.
I tend to express things very politely because of how I was raised /my culture and my personality, but I don’t have a problem with people who are more abrupt. Often they are busy and they don’t want to surround a simple request with lots of unnecessary language. There shouldn’t be a right or wrong way unless you’re dealing with customers and there’s a certain expectation from management about how to speak to them.
But when you’re working with people every day surely they should just understand that different colleagues have different personalities and not be thin skinned about it

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 13:16

Jane and John are at the same level (to my knowledge). It is a relatively small company.

Plain - I don't understand how the tone is different, as manners (please and thank you) are used regardless and the intentions are the same. Maybe it is a cultural difference?

OP posts:
balletonfriday · 01/02/2019 13:18

I do think it's a cultural difference. I used to have a French colleague and when she first joined the organisation I thought she was incredibly rude and abrupt. Then I realised it was just a different way of putting things. We tend to say 'Hi if you have a minute would you mind dropping in to me' whereas she would say 'Can you please come to my office at 3' and it sounded like a command rather than a request.

InSightMars · 01/02/2019 13:19

Definitely speak to John, this is low level bullying. They sound like a pair of officious busybodies. It’s actually none of Ann’s business how you do your job or what your manager permits unless it impacts on how she does her job. And Jane, as a manager should approach your manager not you if she has concerns.

Kikipost · 01/02/2019 13:19

I’m going to take a punt

You’re south african, aren’t you?

HotSauceCommittee · 01/02/2019 13:20

I don’t think you should explain yourself to Ann or answer her questions on your movements. “It’s all in hand with my manager, Ann, you don’t need to worry about it, and after all, you are not my boss”. You’re the same level as Ann, she needs to mind her own business. Not surprising that Ann finds your tone “off” the way she is speaking to you and questioning you. Don’t play the game with her.

MulticolourMophead · 01/02/2019 13:24

I agree, have a word with John about Ann and Jane, and keep a log of the attempts at managing you.

ChikiTIKI · 01/02/2019 13:26

I have had someone pass on "feedback" to me before but they wouldn't divulge exactly what it was or who it came from.

I would use a response along the lines of "give me clear specific feedback with actual examples of what I've done wrong or I will dismiss your comments as unfounded".

I hate when people do that. It's either untrue, or, they have no backbone and have a problem with you themselves but aren't able to say it. Either way, I would just ignore.

Aaaahfuck · 01/02/2019 13:29

I think you should talk to your manager about this. Tell them it's making you uncomfortable and if you have any issues with performance you'd like to know.

planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:30

I used to work with an ann. use the grey rock technique with her.
What is that? Because I have an Anne and I just can't deal with it anymore

I am also not from the UK and I don't understand how this sounds abrupt * "Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?".

  • are about tone .... the first is a nicely put request, the second is quite an abrupt demand. * Abrupt will be: print this please.

Would it be abrupt if a man said it?

Original poster
StalePrincessofBelAir · 01/02/2019 13:32

Kiki - Not South African!

Thank you for the advice. The general consensus seems to be that I should talk to John. How would you all do that without sounding like it's a drama? Personality-wise I'd so much rather just shrink in a corner and take it!

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 01/02/2019 13:32

If John is your line manager why is Jane getting involved?

And why do you have to model your performance on Ann when she's not doing your job? And you're not doing hers?

If John doesn't have a problem with your work then he should be telling Jane and Ann to fuck off

Aintnon · 01/02/2019 13:34

Does John work remotely? Is that why Jane is poking her nose in?

I would not be happy if another manager in my office having chats like this with any of the people I manage. They need to bring it up with me!

ChikiTIKI · 01/02/2019 13:35

@planespotting grey rock is a behavioural technique. I have used it in response to being bullied at work and it was very effective. People use it in abusive and controlling relationships. I recommend googling it, that's how I studied up on it before putting it in to practise :)

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/02/2019 13:36

Both might use 'please' and thank you - but

Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?" - is a nicely dressed request, you are asking the person to do this when they can, to prioritise it within their own work load

"Could you please print this?" - well I could, but you haven’t given me a time frame for when you need it. My perception is that this is abrupt, so I could do it, when I see fit, if I were feeling mardy or I could do it now if I like you.

As I said, its all in the tone, and as you say you are ESL, so you wont pick up the smaller nuances in speech.

planespotting · 01/02/2019 13:36

How would you all do that without sounding like it's a drama?
Keep it factual and positive
Pick a couple of examples but no more so it doesn't look like you are keeping tabs
Say you could do without that and you want to focus in your work, and the word "professional" is good.
Tell him that you expect a certain level of professionalism and if there is an issue with your work you rather he tells you.
You have no time for this