Co-worker "keeping tabs" on me...

[StalePrincessofBelAir]

Apologies for the long post (don't want to drip feed) and I've NC for this.

I feel like one of my co-workers (we'll call her Ann) is keeping tabs on me and is complaining/reporting about me to her manager (Jane). We haven't got the same manager and are technically in different departments, though work near each other and occasionally cross over responsibilities.

Today I had permission from my manager (John) to work from home because of icy conditions worsening throughout the day. I came in for the morning and when I told Ann I had planned on leaving at my lunch hour during daylight hours, Ann (who has some limited HR responsibilities) asked if I would be using holiday. I replied that I would be doing research from home (same as I would from work), but I wouldn't need to drive in the dark. She pulled a face and said that I should email that to John and copy in Jane as well.

Jane has called me in before to chat because she had received some "comments" about me, regarding how I am sometimes too blunt. No examples or situations were given, but I was told that I should consider looking to Ann to model her way of speaking. I do have a straight-forward way of talking and don't believe in dancing around topics, as I have noticed that Ann does. I am not from the UK and phrases like "Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?". I also don't faff around "having a look around the office" (as Ann does) when I answer the phone if I know someone is unavailable; I just say "So-and-so isn't available at the moment, can I take a message?".

I have taken the feedback from Jane and applied it, as she is a manager in my company, but don't think it is beneficial to me or anyone else. John only ever talks to me about my job performance in a positive manner. He has told me that Jane has reported "comments" to him, but he hasn't had an issue with my demeanor.

I haven't ever made a complaint about anybody in the office. I generally like everyone in the office (including Ann), but I growing concerned that she (and potentially Jane) don't like me and want me out. I find it worrying that people are keeping tabs on me when I do work really hard. AIBU to be wary of this situation?

Middle - Apparently not only Germans and Austrians but people from several European countries (and probably from further away) regard British over politeness as a source of amusement verging on irritation.

I am not British and a bit anti-social, so possibly not the best judge of sufficiently cuddly language.

To be devils advocate on this, I work reception and often have to clarify if, when staff are out of the office, whether or not to forward on a client call. If they are out sick or on annual leave, typically no and I will take a message . If they are travelling to meetings or working from home, typically yes and pass on their work mobile. I don't care what ailment they have and actually prefer not to know but just need to know if they are on duty or not.

So asking your whereabouts...em, I'll be charitable and say yes she needs to know. Asking if you've cleared it with your boss, no, not her business.

You’re south african, aren’t you?

Damn, what a shame the OP isn't. There I was looking forward to some charming racist stereotypes. As a northerner, you might say I was blunt-a colleague called me direct yesterday and said she liked how I spoke.

What the OP says re printing requests is perfectly correct, you don't need to simper and add in please, if you have a minute, please do me this ginormous favour etc. She was perfectly polite. Oik Ann should not be interfering and going whining to her manager.

OP needs to talk to her own manager and mention the words 'harassment/bullying in the workplace'. If you go home, OP, you just say 'I'm going home, John said I could work from home'. I wouldn't even say John said, actually, it's none of her damned business and does not interfere with her doing her job. She's a bitch.

Adding in if you have a minute or is that ok is unnecessary if you've already said please. You're opening yourself up to that person having the opportunity to say no. I think the problem is more the person being annoyed you're passing them work.

I think I would decline to send an email as she suggests. Refuse to engage with her busybodying into your working life.

I really like that email from Puppy and would be tempted to send that.

I also liked the email from Puppy, but I'm not ballsy enough to send it.

Dear John, further to our conversation this morning I confirm that I shall be working from home today, I have copied Jane and Ann in this email.

Adding in if you have a minute or is that ok is unnecessary if you've already said please. You're opening yourself up to that person having the opportunity to say no. I think the problem is more the person being annoyed you're passing them work.

This. I learned early on not to add that kind of phrase to my own requests as a office worker early on (I'm a lifelong temp) - you can still ask (tell) her to do it in a perfectly polite way - just make sure your tone of voice is a kindly, friendly one, which makes it difficult for her to take offence at! If your fellow worker dislikes you they will find every opportunity not to assist you even if it is part of their job to do so . I think this is probably your problem - due, I suspect, to no fault of your own, Ann has just taken against you so she is being awkward in her dealings with you.

I’d totally send that email!

My (male) boss does this is that ok if you have a minute thing but he doesn't mean it. I agree the English politeness thing irritating sometimes as I'm a straight up person and just get confused. I am English btw

I'm British born and used to have the same shit from my female manager because she expected all her female staff to be just like her and act like a fanny. Lots of giggles and simpering to the male staff.
She did get pulled up once by another senior female manager, but she never changed.

She definitely treated me unfairly because she never pulled up my male colleague other than to snidely suggest he was a bit geeky. We were both responsible for different but related IT functions. She was one of those annoying people who make a thing about 'not being good with computers' but had managed to get a job paying 50k managing the staff running them.

OP, ignore Jane and Ann. They'll still be bitching about you in 5 years time when you've been promoted way beyond them.

Stop telling anne your plans. Your giving her a lot of power. Waltz out the door. Don't give her the opportunity to quiz you.

If you're going to be out of the office, it's not unreasonable for other people to know if you'll be working or on leave. They should just be assuming you'very discussed and agreed it with your manager, though, not questioning it.

I agree with those who say feedback should have specific examples and come through your manager. I would bring that up with my manager, and also say to Jane and Ann that if they've got ideas about how I could be doing things differently, please could they discuss it with my manager, with examples.

To be honest, I would rather have feedback directly , and I suspect if they handled it differently, it wouldn't be pissing you off, it would just be occasional hints about how things could be done better for everyone's benefit, not just theirs. But as that doesn't seem to be what's happening, go through your manager.

I wouldn't bother with all the hedging and floweriness. It may well be more British, but it's annoying and can be hard to tell what is actually being asked for. It might be fine to add a time frame, but that's relevant extra detail. I work in a very international office with people from all sorts of backgrounds, and in the past, we've had to do training on awareness of cultural differences, how different cultural communication styles tend to be more or less direct. Maybe you could ask John to suggest Jane and Ann do such a course.

British people are overly polite? Please allow me as a non-British person to say: "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!".

You said in your OP thar Ann has some limited HR responsibilities. It's possible that she has been asked to monitor timekeeping etc.

I have a colleague who used to be a manager but he stepped down after a lot of years to suit his family, fair enough he is now equal to most of the rest of us. Just occasionally he will ask what I am doing, I just say "why do you need to know?" I'm not particularly polite about it but we usually end up laughing. In your situation op I would echo pp and ask your manager to get them to stop.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

These thing s -

"Could you please print this if you have a minute, is that ok?", I would simply say as "Could you please print this?".

-re about tone .... the first is a nicely put request, the second is quite an abrupt demand.

I disagree. If it's about tone, how can you tell from written words if OP is being abrupt, you would need to actually hear her tone. There's nothing wrong with 'could you please', the please is the key word there.

I agree with @planespotting - men don't speak like this because society does not expect them to. Women are expected to be deferential even with their peers when requesting simple things.

'Can I just ask you...'
'Just wondering...'
'Would you mind...'
'It would be great if you could send me...'

The above are all very passive and should be avoided.

British people are overly polite?

No, they use a lot of hedging and padding and unnecessary apologising when requesting stuff. It's not necessarily polite - it could be very sarcastic or passive-aggressive.

I love people like Ann.
They’re so easy to play with.

My response to her asking about my afternoon would have been “John has asked me to work on something specific off-site this afternoon”, and a cheery “buh-bye-have-great-weekend-see-you-Monday” as I headed for the door.

""Could you please print this?"."

This doesn't sound blunt or rude to me, but that might be because I'm American.

If you do too much of the "if you've got a moment" the person might not realise you do need the thing today, not some time in the unspecified future when they -can be arsed have the time. Politeness is great as long as it doesn't interfere with the sense of the message.

A team I used to work in had a delightful young temp; you'd start with "Could you please get me three - " and almost before you'd said "copies of this" she was handing the copies back to you! Now there's keen. Not surprisingly she soon moved on to better things. I doubt the OP's recalcitrant colleagues have career prospects beyond a few years of grouching and backbiting. Still, everyone needs a hobby, eh?

There's a huge difference in the way please and thank you are used in English.

You can charm the birds from the trees with it or declare unilateral nuclear war with exactly the same words arranged slightly differently or by the tiniest of changes in pitch, tone, speed, emphasis or delivery (including the slightest change in body language or expression.

Like 'Thank you for my present. It's lovely' can be expressing gratitude for a gift you like, expressing appreciation for a gift you hate but you don't want to hurt the giver's feelings, hating the gift and the giver but wanting to be polite, being very patient with a small child who has presented you with a slightly chewed biscuit or a used tissue, all the way to outright contempt and sarcasm for the giver.

'Could you please do this?' would fall within the realms of 'you're bloody lazy and I think you're an idiot, so do this now and I won't make a complaint' more than the alternative you gave would - and depending upon your mother tongue, the difference could be even starker.

What you've described as faffing about is more being diplomatic. Describing being more diplomatic about requests as faffing comes across as 'I can't be arsed to speak to x as a normal human being as I think they aren't worth common courtesy/they are beneath me'.

I spend a lot of time with teenagers on the ASD spectrum and frequently explain it's not the words they said that were necessarily wrong, it's the way that they were said, the tone or expression on their face that caused an upset.

Like somebody saying, 'Please, after you' could be polite and friendly if said with a smile and open body language to let somebody go first at the supermarket checkout - but could equally be said by a wildeyed killer in a bloodstained clown suit brandishing a big knife, where it would be rather alarming - it's not necessarily the words, but the delivery that could be causing potential offence.

Even if your manager doesn't have a problem (and I would bear in mind that many languages have absolute rules on how to speak to somebody depending upon their relative importance, so you might be unconsciously more polite to them, as well as some people are oblivious to tone or context), it wouldn't hurt to lower your standards and put in the effort to 'Faff about' with niceties.